Guys, I don’t know what has happened to the storyboards on Pretty Little Liars, but they’ve gone WHACKADOO. So much crazy shizz is happening on this show! Did you miss last night’s ep? Catch it and want to freak out? Big fan of The X-Files and want to read the 30 X-Files related jokes within? Read on!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Wren might be the baby daddy; Emily offered herself a full scholarship to Danby U; Lucas likes Danielle, aka Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Lots of Hair, and Hanna is helping him; Toby’s working with Jason DiLaurentis, who always looks sweaty; Caleb wrote Hanna a love letter but Hanna don’t want no scrubs; Aria’s parents don’t want her hanging with the girls; Spencer short-pawned Melissa’s wedding ring to buy a truck for Toby. Phew! That was a lot!
Show! Spencer’s back at the pawn shop, ready to buy back her sister’s ring. She offers up the cash and just sort of leaves it on the counter while the Pawn Show Owner goes to “look” for the ring. Yeah, that’ll end well. Outside, the other girls are doing their best to smize at one of Tyra’s ill-conceived photoshoots with homeless people. Or something; I don’t know, they could just be waiting around for Spencer. Aria is dressed like Amy Winehouse. Not a person you want to emulate, honey child.
The girls sans Spencer discuss both Wren and Melissa’s detente, as well as Emily’s new life as a fake scholarship winner. “Leave it to A to make you feel bad for making your mom happy,” snarks Hanna. To be fair, many teenage girls feel bad when their mothers are happy. Daughter/Mother happiness is a delicate ratio; it cannot tip too far in any direction. That way badness, nose piercings and mom jeans lie.
The pawn show owner, who we will now be referring to as Assy McDoucherface, throws down a rusted horseshoe that has a ticket matching the one he gave Spencer, and then plays dumb when she’s all, “Uh, where’s that pretty diamond ring I hawked two days ago?” He offers to let her call the police, but Spence declines. I wonder what it would take to get any of these girls to call the cops. At what point are they like, “You know what? Being stalked every day, occasionally assaulted and having property stolen from my bedroom are fine, but A totally stole my boyfriend and that just will not stand!”
Also, who pawns a rusted horseshoe? What could you hope to receive for that? How hard up are you for cash that you go into a pawn shop and ask the owner, “Man, what can you give me for this completely useless item that anyone can find at their local Cracker Barrel? Fifteen cents? Excellent; I can buy one granule of a Class C drug with that!”
I just wanted to point out Aria’s Winehouse-chic attire, if you can see it.
Spencer is freaking out about how she, you know, stole her sister’s ring when all the girls get a text. “Just my luck. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. -A” Drink! All the girls look around warily until they notice that they are standing under a billboard for an ophthalmologist that has the slogan “Someone’s watching you . . . so look your best.” Well, that’s kind of a creepy slogan, Dr. Lars Somethingorother. You’re almost as bad as the guy who did my Lasik surgery ten years ago, who, when I remarked that the plastic things they use to pry your eyes open reminded me of A Clockwork Orange, said, “People keep telling me that, and I don’t get what they mean.” At which point I said, “Stop right there; I want another doctor.”
The camera zooms in on a painting of an eye on the billboard. I think it’s supposed to be ominous, but that eye looks kind of like an olive. And now I’m thinking about olives. I have olives in my fridge that have been soaked in sake. I highly recommend.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is discussing breakfast (pancakes!) with Aria. Aria is excited about the pancakes, as we all should be, but is sad she can’t see her friends. Oh, also, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is taking over for Fitz’s class full time. Ew. I hope there isn’t any sort of transference issue with Aria and English class-inspired lust.
At Spencer’s, Melissa is rummaging around for Ian’s passport, which she needs for the insurance claim on her ring. I don’t . .. why? Granted, I only own two nice things of value (a tv and a camera), but I don’t think I’d need to use someone’s passport for an insurance claim on those things? I don’t know. Please don’t steal my tv or camera, world at large, because I don’t want to find out.
Spencer hopes that Melissa’s ring will turn up, but Melissa would rather just find her husband! So he can buy her a new ring, presumably.
At Hanna’s Kitchen of Coffee and Carbs, apparently Prozzie Mom and Spencer’s Mom are discussing their children’s psychology appointments together. That’s nice. Prozzie Mom tells Hanna she has to go to a solo session with the therapist.
Emily’s! Aw, shizz! Emily’s mom has brought in a whole box of Danby U stuff that someone sent to the house. She’s so excited and proud! I’m so glad I never made my parents excited and proud, whether under false pretenses or otherwise. Watching this is painful.
The merch, btw, is from A, as Em finds a note in the box. “So glad to have you on the A- Team!” Drink! Oh, A. Don’t mention the A Team unless you’re prepared to back that pun up with some gold chains and Mr. T. I pity the fool!
School. Hanna is trying to cheer up Lucas, who is uber-anxious about his upcoming date with Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Lots Of Hair. He should take some of this crazy medicine I’m on; his house could burn down and he’d be like, “That’s cool, man. I’m gonna go throw up, but in a laconic fashion.” Lucas convinces Hanna to double date (with Caleb!). Oh, Lucas. You’re such a moron.
Hallways. Spencer is going to go over “there” after school, but before we can figure out where, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, interrupts the girls to ask Aria to take her house keys over to Aria’s Brother Whose Name I Do Not Care To Remember. Then she scolds her for hanging out with the girls.
In the caf, Hanna and Caleb are both witnessing Lucas’s peculiar crash-and-burn behavior around MPDG With All The Hair. They agree to go out on a double date . . . for Lucas’s sake.
Or for the sake of putting the p in the v again.
Hey! We’re in Philly! Spencer’s at Wren’s hospital! She wants to know what Wren gave Melissa. Melissa was asking Wren for drugs, presumably for Ian. Spencer wants Wren to help her find Ian, but he’s too afraid of people getting hurt. Well, okay then, I guess. Bye, Wren.
Commercials. That Chloe King sure does have nice hair. I wish I had hair like Chloe King’s.
Man. We’re only twenty minutes into this episode. How is this possible? So much nothing has already happened!
Show. Therapy Office. Hanna’s there for her solo appointment, but she’s not too interested in talking. The therapist just wants Hanna to learn to let go of Alison’s memory. Holy shizz, I just realized that the therapist is played by Annabeth Gish. CRAP. Now we’re going to get whale sounds and aliens surrounding the miracle birth of the miracle baby that we didn’t even get to watch Mulder and Scully conceive. GREAT.
Annabeth Gish tries to get Hanna to talk to Alison, in a “What would you say to Ali, if she were here and you were pregnant with a baby that aliens really wanted and that later you were going to drop off in a farm in Iowa because he can make his mobile move with his mind and that, along with the fact that Mulder keeps calling you ‘Dana,’ is really freaking you out?” Hanna declines to roleplay, because Hanna did not spend many months playing the X-Files Computer Game, starring the voices of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.
Now there is basketball happening. A whole basketball montage. Um, drink, I guess? I don’t really understand the purpose of this, other than sweat. Aria shows up, looking for her Brother Whose Name I Don’t Care to Remember to give him his keys. But he is not there, and is never there, which is surprising to Aria, as he has claimed to be there every day for months. You know who is there, though? Shirtless, butthaired Jason DiLaurentis. He gets all existential about crap and mentions Aria’s pink hair. He’s, like, flirting with her. It’s super gross. Aria, can’t you find ONE love interest who doesn’t make me want to vomit up my own spleen, eat it, and then vomit it up again?
School. Em is just out of a swim meet, which Samara has attended, wearing, like, a tiny black dress with illusion netting. She looks like a stripper who put on her fancy coverup so she wouldn’t get bbq rib sauce on her brand new stage outfit. Why is Samara always at this school? Samara tells Emily about how Em’s mom has been telling everyone about Danby U. Em comes clean about the fake Danby letter. Then Em’s mom comes out and is totally nice and cool with Samara, even though Samara is wearing an awful outfit, and invites Samara over for a celebratory dinner. Oh, Emily’s Mom. You are making it impossible for me to hate you.
Seriously, what is this outfit, Samara?
Spencer shows up to her house to find a note on her door from her parents, which she reads aloud in a hilarious manner. I wish they’d let Spencer be funnier. She and Hanna have good comedic timing, but they constantly have the most emo storylines. Spencer tromps over to the barn to check on Melissa, but sees that the door is partly open. Melissa’s in the shower, so Spencer takes the time to rifle through a packed bag by the door. Drugs! Ian’s passport! Shaving cream! Looks like someone’s about to take a trip!
Commercials. Harry Potter marathon!! I love you, ABC Family!
Show. Aria’s on the phone with Spencer and they’re discussing Melissa’s plans. Spencer’s parents show up, so the girls hang up, at which point Aria hears a noise in the house. It’s just Aria’s brother Whose Name I Do Not Care To Remember. She wonders where the hell Mike goes every day, but he threatens her not to blab to the parents. He’s upset! Things will never be back to normal!
Hanna’s house. Lucas and MPDG With All The Hair are having the most awkward non-convo ever, while Hanna frets around them. MPDG With All The Hair thinks Hanna is still into Lucas. Lucas laughs with inner mirth, but I can tell he wishes it were so. MAKE A MOVE, LUCAS. I mean, make another move.
Em’s house. She and Samara are sitting on Emily’s bed, looking through a scrapbook. Em’s mom comes in, wary at first, but then Samara charms her by talking about glue guns. Normally I would scoff at this, but I love glue guns. If only they also SHOT glue out, like, at things. Like staple guns but for glue. Brilliant.
Em’s mom totally warms up to Samara and then starts discussing contacting the Danby coach, to thank him for the offer and merch, etc. Emily nearly comes clean but then Samara spins a quick story about how other schools could be scouting Emily too, and maybe they should “play it cool” until senior year to see who gives them the best offer. That Samara’s a quick one. Maybe SHE is A.
Hanna’s house. Lucas is freaking out about MPDG With All The Hair thinking that Hanna is in love with Lucas. This plot is so stupid and bad eighties romcom. I at least need some Tears for Fears if I’m to get through it. Anyway, Hanna flirts with Caleb to appease MPDG With All The Hair.
This is the manic pixie dream girl, and this is her hair.
At Spencer’s, she sees Melissa put the bag in the trunk of the car. Dun dun dun!
Philly. Wren’s on the phone with Melissa, telling her that he’s concerned that Ian has a staph infection. He must see Ian! Melissa buys it, which makes Spencer, who is standing next to him, happy.
Make out!
At Hanna’s, Lucas comes over to thank Hanna for helping him and for being such a better person now. This prompts Hanna to go see Annabeth Gish, just to talk.
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, Actor/Director Chad Lowe offers the kids a ride to school. Mike declines while making Aria lie about his whereabouts the day before. Hey, maybe Mike is A!
At Annabeth Gish’s Room of Whale Songs, Hanna is explaining how hard it was to be Alison’s friend. What would Hanna like to say to Alison? Hanna addresses a chair that looks like a vagina and tells “Alison” that she was both the best friend and the worst enemy she ever had. Annabeth Gish would like to know how Alison would respond to that. And therefore, because this show takes this kind of shit literally, Alison shows up in the vagina chair, mocking Hanna for being in therapy. “Low self-esteem leads to Hefty Hanna” and then I THINK she says “Wasn’t that covered in Mona’s class?” I rewound it like five times. Did anyone catch that? Alison tells Hanna that all her friends will ditch her and she’ll need Alison, but Hanna says she’s so “over” missing Alison. Then she looks over at Annabeth Gish, who smiles proudly, as if her patient did not just have a full-blown hallucination in her office. Hell, maybe that’s why she’s smiling. “I know the perfect prescription of whale songs and anti-psychotics to treat this girl,” Annabeth is thinking.
Just breathe, Dana.
School. Samara is there. Again. I don’t like her. I miss Kat from 10 Things.
Annabeth Gish’s office. Someone has trashed her office!! Well, if she’d been around during the earlier seasons of X-Files, she would be used to that. But thank God she wasn’t. On her wall, in red spray paint, someone has written “Nosey Bitches Die.”
Cheer up, Annabeth Gish. At least Krycek hasn’t lit this one on fire.
At Spencer’s, she receives a call from Wren. Melissa has called him and knows where Ian is. Spencer runs out while hanging up on Ian, not listening to what he has to say. She texts Hanna, who is on the way out when she runs into Prozzie Mom. Prozzie Mom thinks maybe Hanna trashed the office.
At Annabeth Gish’s office, the cops tell her that the door wasn’t forced open. Whoever trashed the place had keys. Annabeth Gish looks like she could use some whale songs.
The girls, meanwhile, are following Wren and Melissa to an abandoned building. They clomp through the woods super loudly, because they are the worst spies ever. They see Melissa go in without Wren and creep further, but then hear Melissa scream. Everyone runs in, where they see Ian dead of an apparent gunshot wound to the head, though because this is a family show, the gunshot wound looks like Ian cut himself shaving his forehead. The gun, however, is in his hand, next to a suicide note:
I killed Alison. I lost my Temper because she knew Too much. But There’s only so much you can bury. IT won’t be ThaT easy, buT {what looks like passion or pain, scratched out} I know how to geT rid of The pain. I can’T run from The law. Come and find me
-Ian
Everyone cries and looks shocked, while the camera pans up . . . to see a missing horse shoe. Dun dun dun!
Credits. Gloved McEvilson is watching the girls outside the building and then places a cell phone in one of the girl’s purses.
Man! Now A (or is it A?) has gone too far! Who killed Ian? Is it the same person who killed Alison? And is that person A? I have no idea what’s going on!! I’m going to forget about the plot of the books entirely because I just don’t know if they’re going with that scenario or not!
What do YOU guys think??
