Happy Wednesday, FYAers! Well, it’s Wednesday for you. Actually it’s Wednesday for me too, because it’s past midnight because I CAN’T SLEEP. I don’t know what it is, y’all, but it is Insomnia Central up in here. I’ve caught up on all of my Keeping Up With the Kardashians recordings and have watched three seasons of Law and Order: SVU* in the last two weeks because I’m on some kind of hellacious insomnia-caffeine-insomnia nightmare cycle. SO ANNOYING.
This week I’m going to kick it old school with my recap and give you moment by moment action! And suspense! And probably a crude joke or two!
* Meghan and I have been tossing around the idea of randomly turning on USA network and reviewing whatever episode of Law and Order: SVU happens to be on. Our drinking game rules right now consist of drinking every time someone asks Stabler if he has children and anytime we want to declare our love for Ice-T or Richard Belzer.
We’re at the hospital. Hanna and Spencer are ladies with a plan. The plan, it seems, is to replace Garrett’s note about “April Rose” having the proof with a note of their own, telling A to come to the Church that evening. And then Hanna and Emily are going to lie in wait for A to show up and then . . . yell Boo? Honestly, this isn’t one of their best plans. And most of their plans involve entrusting important details to a tiny woodland fairy with demonstrably poor taste in both fashion and penises, so, you know. This is a REALLY bad plan. Hanna wants to punish A for breaking her and Caleb up. Um, A’s done worse things, Han. At least your boyfriend only dumped you. He’s not dead or anything.
Hanna replaces the note and Mrs. Garrett’s Mom starts coding. GREAT. Man, old people really hate the Marins. They’re always dying around them.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
Fitz continues to be boring and useless while also wearing the world’s most hideous PJ pants ever. His teenaged girlfriend is really rubbing off on him. And maybe rubbing one off on him; I can’t presume to know what their sex life is like. I wonder if Fitz ever takes Aria to the mall. What’s even the point of dating an adult unless they take you to the mall and eat Cinnabon with you? I mean, like, he could also talk about his tax shelters or IRA while doing all this. This relationship’s all about give and take, after all.
Aria wants to cancel on her job with the photographer, even though it’s her first day. Excellent work ethic, Aria! Fitz tells her she has to keep her job, cause he’s broke and they’re down to one piece of lettuce in the fridge. Um, okay. A) Didn’t Fitz just get a job at that publishing house, like, LAST WEEK? I mean, publishing houses don’t pay well, but usually you can afford more than just lettuce. And also, B) ARIA IS NOT SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU, FITZ. SHE IS SEVENTEEN. Fitz and Aria playfully take dumb photos of each other with the Rolleiflex, and the photos come out super stylishly and clear, even though they’re using no flash or even atmospheric light. My disbelief cannot be willingly suspended any further. It’s already dangling over a bridge and screaming for its momma.
At Spencer’s, let’s Bing some April Rose! Using Bing! The world’s sixth most popular search website, behind Google, Yahoo, Wikipedia, Carmen Sandiego and the 1976 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica. Stop trying to make Bing happen, world!! (Except for the flight searcher. I love that shit.) Toby is hanging out and cutely geeking about his carpentry work, but Spencer’s ignoring him with her Binging. (See? Even inventing a verb based on the website and inserting it into popular culture so that the word becomes synonymous with internet searching doesn’t work. It just sounds like a perverse sex act.) So i Toby distracts her with leany kisses. I approve of this plan, Toby! More Leany Kisses!! But then Pa Hastings comes in to interrupt them. Ugh! Hate. Him. Pa Hastings tells Spencer that the evidence the cops had on Garrett can’t be retested because it was tampered with or disintegrated or the Rosewood cop in charge of the evidence locker has gone on an extended Dunkin Donuts break. Now what will the prosecution use to try Garrett’s case? Everyone knows Garrett’s going to walk! This shit wouldn’t fly with ADA Jack McCoy or ADA Casey Novak, that’s for damn sure.
The Coffee Shop of Emily’s Employment. Em and Hanna are discussing their very complicated plan of hiding in the church and yelling “Boo” at A. But also! Hanna has the address of the place where the church picked up Emily’s jacket. They’ll research later. I hope Hanna researches pants later. And then I hope she finds some that aren’t the ones she’s wearing.
Butthair (aka Jason) meets Spencer on the Only Street in Rosewood. It is an extraordinarily windy day. They’re talking, but all I can focus on is the fact that the trees are bending over in the background. Butthair’s hair is flopping wildly around his Buttface! Spence wants Butthair’s help in finding the mysterious April Rose, but he’s never heard of her. Meanwhile, Pa Hastings is looking at them both with consternation from his car. Something tells me that Daddy is not going to go over and suggest a big pizza party for his kids.
Hanna is at the church, working on the clothing donation drive that never ends, and Ted the Reverend is trying to befriend her. There’s a Cat Stevens joke involved. Cat Stevens was a dick to my mom!! Before he found Allah, that is. But he made her cry. Fuck you, Cat Stevens! I know I say this every time I mention Cat Stevens, but NO ONE IS MEAN TO MY MOMMY, OKAY? He tells her that there is a party that night in the Church rec room. Well, great. There goes Hanna’s incredibly complicated and sophisticated plan to yell “Boo!” at A.
Spence and Butthair are still on The Only Street in Rosewood, waxing poetic on the NAT club. If you remember from last season, the NAT club consisted of Ian, Butthair and Garrett, and it mostly involved them smoking pot and getting laid. Such scandalous goings-on have really rocked Rosewood to its very core. The NAT club enjoyed filming their exploits (gross), which is how the girls found out that Melissa was in Alison’s room the night of her murder. Butthair says that April Rose could have been an NAT Club groupie, but he can’t be sure, because he thinks Ian and Garrett were paying girls to sleep with their friends. So, like, Risky Business? Did anyone make love in a real train to the tender croonings of Phil Collins? In his car, Pa Hastings gnashes his teeth.
Fitz’s. Aria is in the process of trying on the world’s ugliest boots when she goes searching in Fitz’s sock drawer (for socks). And sees a giant Ziplock bag of wadded up cash! Oh man! Now it’s going to be called Fitz’s Flat of Pedophilia and Cash! Way to go all Prozzie Mom on that shizz, Fitz!
At the Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Hanna and Spencer wonder if April Rose has one of the NAT tapes. Maybe that’s the proof that Garrett’s talking about!And maybe Maya found one of the tapes in Alison’s bedroom and it made her a target for A! Aria joins them and mopes silently about her boyfriend’s secret cash. Spencer tells Hanna to wear sensible shoes when she goes to yell “boo” at A. “Hey, I wear three inches, or nothing,” Hanna retorts. I do enjoy their dynamic the most, I think. Aria pipes up, asking about the amount that Butthair had offered as a reward a few episodes back. Perhaps Fitz might have all that cash from Butthair’s reward? But what could Fitz know?
You know, this is so typical of this show. Every season they try to insert a little “is Fitz involved?” teaser, because they realize that Fitz and Aria are boring, but they don’t want to lose Ian Harding, because he’s the hottest guy on the show and pretty charming in his own right. So they trump up these storylines, which is fine, but they NEVER GO ANYWHERE. It’s not even like they resolve it another way, they just drop the storyline an episode or two later so that they can give Fitz and Aria a chance to play lovebirds again. It’s so annoying.
Anyway, speaking of Butthair, Pa Hastings tells him to leave Spencer out of this. This, presumably, being Garrett’s case and Butthair’s general existence. Oh! Ma Hastings has a name! It’s Veronica! Meh, I like Ma Hastings better. Anyway, they discuss whether “Veronica” took this case out of spite. Is she repping Garrett to get back at her husband and Butthair’s family? That . . . doesn’t seem likely, to be honest.
Prozzie Mom comes by the Never-ending Clothing Drive (aaaooooo ooo oooo) to swoon over Ted. You know what would be awesome? if Ted were a robot, like in that Buffy episode. The one called Ted. That’s a great episode. John Ritter will make you mini pizzas AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. Hanna freaks out to learn that Prozzie Mom is going to the church social, as elder Marin might wreck younger Marin’s complicated “Boo!” plan, so Hanna tells Prozzie Mom that she’s going with Toby. Um. Okay. I’m not sure how this helps except that it trumped up a reason to put Toby in a suit. Which I’m morally okay with.
Emily is on The Only Other Street in Rosewood, which is where the jacket she was wearing the night of Ali’s grave robbing was picked up for the Never-ending Clothing Drive. She sees a café across the street and has a flashback to . . . the 1950s? The café is called Sputnik’s and Emily flashes back to see people looking like they’re straight out of the ’50s. Weird. Maybe A is in a Rockabilly band on the side. Maybe A’s entire anger is situated around the fact that Emily and Aria have the perfect bodies to wear swing dresses, but they hardly ever do. Maybe A’s just cranky that his/her hair gel ran out.
At Spencer’s, she and Hanna are discussing the fact that Hanna appropriated her boyfriend for this dance. Hey, share the goods, Spence. Spencer wonders what would have happened if they’d never met Alison. At a guess? Your cell phone bills would be lower without all those text messages coming in. The girls have a sweet moment about being friends. Aww. I like these two.
Sputnik’s. Emily is hanging out there and gets a text from Hanna telling her to meet her at the Church Social. Then Em gets a flashback! A whole series of them! The napkin is a maze and in pen someone has written “I’m sorry I left you.” Ali? Some guy with dark hair has a tattoo on his inside wrist and is holding hands with a girl. A waitress tells someone to get Emily home cause she doesn’t look so good. Is Sputnik’s the A Team’s favorite hangout? I wonder if the A team just really likes malteds. Who doesn’t?
Spencer’s. Butthair comes over and says he found April Rose! It’s not a girl, it’s an it! Why, Butthair! That’s an awful thing to say about someone! You don’t look so great yourself, Mr. My Hair is Shaped Like a Butt. Be nicer! Oh, but actually, he’s right. April Rose is April Rose Antiques! The Hastings children are on the case!
Toby, all dressed up in a suit (thank you, show), and Hanna in her sweet yellow dress, show up at the Church Social. Where they’re playing French pop music. What kind of church is this? Episcopalian? Toby hilariously gives the side eye to some of the young guys and they all get flustered and look away. Prozzie Mom, Ted in tow, makes jokes about finding the alcohol. Oh, Prozzie Mom. We’re so sympatico. And Jerk Detective is there! I’m pretty sure this counts as Prozzie Mom’s most awkward date EVER. Hanna grabs Toby and hides from Jerk Detective.
April Rose Antiques. The world’s creepiest lady is sitting around and rocking silently. Gah! Why does this show love to fuck with me and show me creepy old people and dolls?! Butthair tries to make dumb excuses about what they’re doing there, and Spencer sees a gold bracelet . . .
. . . which was Ali’s! In a flashback (Flashback! Drink!), she’s wearing an anklet and says that a friend got it for her. Then she ditches Spencer to get fake IDs. The camera hilariously zooms in on Ali’s feet in slingback heels, which is not a flattering look for anyone, ever. No one wants to see toe cleavage or a heel beer belly, show.
Butthair offers 400 bucks to the antique shop for the bracelet. Spencer hilariously is holding it in a scarf (because she has access to a fingerprint kit, I guess?) and won’t let anyone touch it.
At the church social, Prozzie Mom is apparently just now figuring out that Ted is a preacher? Prozzie Mom, girl. You need to steal some money from the Church offering and buy yourself a clue. Meanwhile, Toby is questioning why Hanna has brought him there. He’s had naps more exciting than this party. Tell me more about these naps, Toby. I love naps. Prozzie Mom interrupts their cute 7th grade dance to freak out that she’s accidentally dating a preacher. Well, the preacher is accidentally dating a prostitute, Ashley, so I’m pretty sure he’s also going to be upset.
Emily arrives at the church, displaying more cleavage than typically occurs in a church. Again, Episcopalians? Maybe Methodists; we are pretty booby at church. For my part, I just assume that if the Lord wants to view into my heart and determine my worth, he probably needs access unfettered by clothing.
Oh man! Everyone’s at this church social! Like Holden, Rosewood’s own Tyler Durden! And HE HAS A TATTOO just like in Emily’s flashback. But it’s not real – it’s a tattoo that gets you into raves or something. I thought you had to bring an egg to a convenience store and then get directions out to the Valley. Has Bev Niners taught me nothing?? Holden says he used to see Emily’s girlfriend at the party sometimes . . .
i just realized that Ted looks a little bit like Deadbeat Dad. No wonder Prozzie Mom is warm for his form. He cutely offers to do the Roger Rabbit with Prozzie Mom out on the dance floor. Anyone who can Roger Rabbit is okay by me. But can he do the Kid n’ Play? Actually, I can’t do the Kid ‘n Play, either. I used to be able to when I was a kid but then I broke my ankle and now it’s to weak to put my weight on while also twisting. Ted and Prozzie Mom are about to start reciting sexy versions of the Apostle’s Creed to one another when Jerk Detective interrupts them! Jerk Detective, I hate you!! He is all smarmy and jerky to her, essentially coming right out and implying that Prozzie Mom is a prostitute. Look, Jerk Detective, Haaaaate him. Ted doesn’t seem to notice the awkwardness, probably because he’s used to being around people more promiscuous than he is. But Prozzie Mom is so sad, which makes me sad. HE IS THE ONE WHO SLEPT WITH A SUSPECT’S MOM AND THEN DROPPED THE CHARGES CAUSE HE GOT LAID. He is the bad one! You were protecting your daughter! It may not be right, and it is definitely not a good message for your kid to see, but HE IS A COP AND HE MONETIZED YOUR VAGINA AND BROKE THE LAW. Stop letting him make you feel guilty, Prozzie Mom!
Outside the jailhouse, Butthair is greeting Spencer with news that he turned the anklet over to the cops. WAIT, WHAT?? WHAT? Someone on this show found evidence supporting a crime and actually turned it into the authorities and then the authorities didn’t tell them that they were making it all up? FUCKING RED LETTER DAY IN ROSEWOOD, Y’ALL!!! Let’s ring that church bell that Ian was hanged from! Spencer would like to see all of Ali’s letters (the ones that explained that Pa Hastings is Butthair’s dad), and Butthair agrees, but worries that Spencer will be hurt by the things Ali had to say. I have to ask, why is Spencer being even vaguely trusting of Butthair? DNA doesn’t make him good, Spencer. I mean, look at your sister!
Hanna and Emily are doing the worst A-spying ever. They’re just wandering all around the damn place. Hanna hides by the organ to wait for A. She hears someone coming in. It’s a dude! in shiny black shoes! . . . And it’s Jerk Detective! Who is wondering why Hanna is hiding. Ugh, this guy. He has the note and asks if Hanna knows what it is. It’s the note that Hanna left in Mrs. Garret’s Mom’s room! He wants to know why Hanna is helping Garrett. Then he makes reference to Prozzie Mom’s prozzieness. TO PROZZIE MOM’S DAUGHTER. Ugh. He really is the very worst.
In Fitz’s Flat of Pedophila and Cash, he’s watching a spaghetti western and wondering why Aria’s being so distant. She mentions what she found in his sock drawer. Fitz claims that he sold his grandfather’s vintage car and the buyer paid cash. He needed the money! Fitz claims to be embarrassed to be unemployed. Again, I thought he just got a job last week? Since it turns out that Aria sucked at her first day of work, they’ll bond as unemployable people. Well, only one of those people is incompetent. The other fucks children. Fitz looks worryingly at his sock drawer. Someone’s not being honest!
Spencer’s house. She’s wearing .. . not a good outfit. Bad, Spencer. Bad. Pa Hastings mentions Ali’s anklet that was turned in. The cops have been looking for that anklet for two years but kept the details from the press/family! So now it looks suspicious that it just showed up! There’s blood on the anklet – Alison’s and someone else’s Not Garrett’s. And based on this evidence for which the cops have no chain of custody, the judge has thrown out Garrett’s case. Spencer cries and cries over this development. She gets a text. “Hey Spence, i have one more surprise for you. Garrett isn’t their killer. -A” Well, fucking duh, A. Way to bury the lead.
Credits! Son of Gloved McEvilson eats a bowl of rainbow sherbet while searching the classifieds for Rooms to rent. I love that Son of Gloved McEvilson eats sherbet while plotting his/her evil plans. Priorities!
And that’s it for this week, folks! Next week it looks like Mona might escape, so I’m looking forward to lots of Crazy Mona scenes. Meanwhile, let us know what you thought about last night’s episode. Hit us up in the comments!