Previously on Reign: Mary’s mother, Marie de Guise arrived at court to formalize the marriage contract. Lola did not want to reveal her pregnancy. Mary convinced her to try and finagle a proposal from Lord Julian. Crazy-pants Henry forced Bash and Kenna to marry at sword-point.
OMG, I missed this show. My week just doesn’t seem complete unless someone gets brutally murdered on The CW. You know what I mean? Of course you do, that’s why you’re here!
- Kenna and Bash are already bickering like they’ve been married forever. His chambers are too small for her liking, his title is made up and meaningless, blah, blah, blah. He says that he won’t pretend he loves her, but they should try to like each other.
- Francis thinks his father is just ill and needs time to recover. I mean, sure. Who hasn’t had a bout of raging madness every now and then? Catherine is trying to manage affairs of state to hide the fact that the king of France is obsessed with a servant girl who he’s parading around like she’s the queen, and too crazy to run his country.
- Dreamy Lord Julian tells Lola that he has lost his previous two wives in childbirth and therefore intends to have no children. Which he announces right before proposing to pregnant Lola. She says yes, rather desperately.
- One of Catherine’s ladies-in-waiting betrays her to tell Mary about a secret clause in her marriage contract that promises Scotland to France should she die without an heir. In exchange for the information, Mary has Bash help her get the lady smuggled out of the country. Kenna is not amused that Bash still jumps to do Mary’s bidding.
- Francis and Mary agree that they need to see the marriage contract hidden in Henry’s chambers. Mary has Kenna sneak into Henry’s chambers, despite how dangerous that is. Kenna finds what they need, but Henry comes in before she can leave. Thankfully, they cut away before the porn music starts up.
- Francis finds that Mary’s mother was paid to have the advisors hide the secret clause. I knew I didn’t like that lady. Mary, looking for some allies, invites every Scotsman within a 100 mile radius to a party at the French court. Mary convinces her countrymen to help overthrow her mother, the regent. I think? This scheme is very unclear. These kids could use more lessons from Catherine.
- Henry boasts to Bash about finding Kenna in his chambers and how maybe Henry’s gift to Bash will be a royal bastard of his very own. So crazy, so gross. Bash confronts Kenna, who tells him she was there on Mary’s behalf, didn’t “technically” sleep with Henry, and that she was terrified the whole time.
- A Scottish guy at the party mistakes Catherine for a lady-in-waiting. At first, she’s rightfully insulted, but then she follows through on the flirtation. My guess? It’s the accent.
- Lola confesses to Julian that she’s pregnant. He’s ridiculously sympathetic and still wants to marry her, despite the fact that she’s “annoyingly direct”. At this rate, Julian may replace Pastry Boy in my affections.
- Catherine seduces some secrets out of her Scottish lover, and then has him garrotted. As one does. The Scotsmen head off to a French whorehouse for one last hurrah before they sail home in the morning. Catherine, having found out Mary’s plan, has them all murdered and the place torched. Efficiency, thy name is Catherine de’ Medici.
- In the morning, when Mary finds out what happened, she storms in and slaps Catherine, and claims she will never forgive her. Catherine gives her a cynical and chilling speech that amounts to “people die for you, welcome to royal life.”
- Henry is now full-on hallucinating ghosts in the throne room. He tells Kenna he gets headaches, and then lays down on her lap. Bash comes and convinces him to go see to his servant girl queen, knowing Kenna does not want this attention. Bash tells her she’s not safe in the castle and that he’ll always defend her, because she’s his wife. Kenna seems charmed by this, as she should.
- Mary threatens Catherine with exposing France’s current weakness, being run by a mad king and all, unless Catherine burns the marriage contract, which she reluctantly does. Francis later assumes this was a successful bluff. But Mary was not bluffing. She tells him that if it came down to his country or hers, she’d choose hers. And really? France may have croissants, but Scotland has brawny dudes in kilts.
History According to Reign
- We clearly see Mary’s mother’s signature as “Marie de Guise” but all web records list her as “Mary”. Despite her French heritage and pro-Catholic leanings, I have trouble believing the regent of Scotland would agree to a contract that could potentially lose her the country she was fighting to protect, just to insure France’s future support.
- Mary’s strapless, narrow fitting, plaid, Oscar de la Renta evening gown.
Number of Times I Forgot I Wasn’t Watching Gossip Girl: 2
1. Kenna: “You make it sound as though I’m the most self-centered woman in France.” Bash: “Well, I can’t say that. I haven’t met all the women in France.”
2. Catherine’s Secret Flying Squad of ladies-in-waiting that are specially trained to sleep with nobleman and uncover their secrets for Catherine’s arsenal. And Blair’s minions thought they had it rough?
Next: Henry descends into a gibbering, crying mess. Some hot Scot tells Mary to come home. She and Francis will be doing some fighting.