In a Land of Pure Imagination
(Um. I swear I’ve watched this movie, but I still have no idea what happened. So this is more or less pieced together from synopses and my blurry memory.)
Soooo things are going wonky in the land of Earthsea — like, people are seeing dragons and shit — and it’s up to master wizard Sparrowhawk to figure out what’s causing all the trubs. He’s joined by Arren, a prince harbouring a dark secret; Tenar, a former priestess; and Therru, a disfigured girl under Tenar’s care. There’s also bad guy named Cob that whisper-talks everything he says, so clearly he’s evil and must be stopped. Or something. I tried, y’all.
And if you watch the Disney dub and find yourself as lost as I was, here’s a simple drinking game for you: take a drink everytime someone says Sparrowhawk. That’s probably a better use of your time.
Adorable Child Alert
None! This movie lacks in anything adorable (among other things… ).
Lovable Agreeable Anthropomorphic Sidekick
Uh, Sparrowhawk’s (drink!) steed, I guess?
Oh, lordy — this entire movie? It’s supposed to be an adaptation (of a series I’ve never read), and it didn’t do such a hot job of that, either. Judging from the DVD cover alone, I thought, “OOH, dragons!” But Earthsea fails to even deliver on the promise of dragons; one only appears for all of a scene. (I think. I had to watch this twice because I fell asleep.) Even the score — something Studio Ghibli usually does so well — fell flat for me; the music was just too overpowering (although that may have been a deliberate choice to distract from whatever story is supposed to be going on). The whole movie’s pretty joyless and arduous, and it’s hard for me to find anything remotely redeemable in it.
- Timothy Dalton as Sparrowhawk (drink!)
- Mariska Hargitay as Tenar
- Willem Dafoe as Cob
- Cheech Marin as Hare
Class Superlative: Outcast
Well, one true stinker out of eighteen ain’t bad, right?