Number of Times Mom Would Have TOTALLY Made Me Stop Watching: 2
So earlier this week, I dreamed I was watching Game of Thrones, and in that dream-watch, Our Robb stormed King’s Landing and killed Joffrey and that was that. And THEN, in my dream, I thought, hmmm, that was rather quick. As much as I want to see Joffrey die so hard, I didn’t think his character was finished yet.
And then I woke up. And then I watched last night’s episode. That little twerp is a sick fuck.
Our Robb seems to develop a crush on a new lady field medic after handily winning another battle against the Lannisters, but she is not a fan of war, and I kind of don’t blame her, since she had to saw off some poor guy’s foot. Joffrey has Sansa partially stripped and beaten a little bit before Tyrion rescues her, because Joffrey thinks Our Robb is using sorcery to control an army of wolves. Ha. Grey Wind says “That’s just one direwolf, to you, thanks, Joffrey”. Tyrion then sends Joffrey a couple of prostitutes — one of them being Ros — thinking that if Joffrey just gets laid he’ll be nicer, but Joffrey makes Ros beat the other prostitute really, really badly. As a message. Renly and Stannis argue over who’s fit to be a better king — Renly thinks he is because no one likes Stannis, and what is being a king, if not a popularity contest? Littlefinger visits Renly’s camp to try to seduce Catelyn, get her to trade the kingslayer for her ‘two’ daughters, and delivers to her Ned’s remains. Arya and Gendry have been taken to the ruins of Harrenhal where they are held by the Lannisters, and each day another of their fellow prisoners is tortured to death by the Mountain. Arya puts herself to sleep each night with a list of all of the people she’s going to kill. Tywin Lannister arrives at the last minute before Gendry is tortured to death, and tells his men not to kill able-bodied workers. He also recognizes that Arya is a girl and makes her his new cupbearer. Daenerys leads the Dothraki to the gates of Quarth, where, after much debate, they are given entrance. Stannis has his man Davos smuggle the red witch to shore for some undisclosed purpose. When he gets her there, she strips naked and we see that she is miraculously very pregnant. And then she delivers a smoke monster.
Oh my GOODNESS. This episode was… shocking, to say the least. I think it’s time to get Sansa OUT of that castle, because Joffrey is SO awful and evil, and now I’m really afraid for her! What he did to those poor harlots? I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s kind of overshadowing even the nice scene with Robb and that lady medic. I’ve often wanted to be a filed medic when I grow up. Wouldn’t it be so exciting and romantic and dangerous?!! I wonder if I could cut someone’s foot off if I had to? Thankfully, medical practices are a lot better nowadays. I was also REALLY worried about Gendry when they strapped that bucket with a rat in it to his chest. I don’t want Gendry to die! He has to stay and help Arya! But the craziest thing I think I’ve ever seen was what came out of the red witch. I mean, is that even remotely like what childbirth is like?!!! I’m scarred for life.
Also? I missed Jon Snow.
Number of Times Mom Would Have TOTALLY Made Me Stop Watching: 2. And while I’m still glad I’m getting to sneak and watch this, I probably could have used to NOT see the scene with Joffrey and the harlots, OR that scene in the end with the red witch, so maybe a little parental supervision would have helped me sleep last night.
Was it just me, or did it kind of seem like not much happened in this episode? I suppose there was a lot of ground work laid what with Littlefinger tempting Catelyn with Ned’s remains and the promise of releasing the girls, Stannis threatening to wipe out Renly by morning, and the birth of the smoke monster. And by the by, WHAT?!!!!!! The red witch just had sex with Stannis, like, a couple of episodes ago, and now she’s delivering already? Was George R.R. Martin secretly a Stephenie Meyer fan? Ha ha. I’m only joking, Mr. Martin. And so who exactly is this lady’s “one true god”. I’m guessing it’s not any we’ve heard of before, unless the god of Lost somehow found its way over to HBO. It WAS good to see Our Robb doing well. He’s been sorely lacking screen time. Loved the scene between him and his new possible lady interest. She was awesome. But okay, now it’s time to GET SANSA OUT!!!! She totally gained my sympathy this week, and Tyrion was right when he said she might survive them all, because even though we know she can trust him, she’s smart not to. Also, I don’t care what I thought in my dream last week, I’m ready for Joffrey to die.
It always comes down to Tyrion, doesn’t it? And that’s because he makes every scene he’s in awesome. So while I loved his exchange with Bronn about getting Joffrey laid — and Bronn’s response, “There’s no cure for being a cunt” — I HAVE to go with Tyrion’s manipulation of Lancel Lannister, who has been having sex with Cersei — she certainly has a type — convincing Lancel to spy on Cersei or be exposed as a cousin fucker to Joffrey. However, the smoke monster clawing its way out of the red witch was pretty amazing, too.