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Our rewatch calendar is obviously set in SST (Sunnydale Standard Time) because nothing but the Hellmouth could deliver this kind of timing. Just as we face endless days of being cooped up inside for quarantine, we arrive at the most pointless, mind-numbingly boring stretch of Buffy. Y’all, it’s a torture not even Angelus could devise.
Last week, Riley and Buffy came to terms with their respective secret identities and began to team up, while Spike discovered that he can still kick ass–specifically and strictly, demon ass. Ethan Rayne showed up and turned Giles into a demon, but thankfully Buffy recognized him, and now Giles is back to being 100% human (and a 100% snack).
Since our drinking game is pretty much the only thing that will keep things bearable for a while, I encourage you to add Bonus Quarantine Rules!
Drink once every time:
– A person touches another person
– A character touches his/her face
The Buffy Season Four Drinking Game Rules
Drink once every time:
A vamp is dusted
You see the “University of California Sunnydale” entrance sign
A scene takes place in a cemetery
You actually see a class in session
Oz is ridiculously low-key cool
Spike has mad swagger
Willow and/or Tara gets witchy with it
The Initiative makes you go, “Bored now”
Riley is a drag
Things get funcomfortable between Anya and Xander
Drink twice every time:
Giles drinks tea
There’s an extremely outdated pop culture reference
A vampire is invited into a house
There’s a call back to previous season shenanigans
Harmony says something dumb
Someone uses a payphone
Alrighty, let’s get this over with, shall we?
4.13 “The I in Team”
Now that Buffy is pledging the Initiative by training with Riley and apparently impressing Professor Walsh, the Scooby Gang is a bit out of sorts. Willow is feeling neglected; Xander has taken up selling Kalteen Boost Bars (didn’t he learn from “Band Candy”?!); and Giles is so desperate, he asks Spike to join the team. (Spike is, no surprise, a hard pass.) All of them still have a ton of questions about the Initiative, because they haven’t yet realized there is nothing worth knowing about this plotline.
Couched in a sexual innuendo that goes on for WAY too long (and frankly, should never have started), Riley takes Buffy on a tour of the Initiative compound, which slightly overwhelms our Slayer with its technology and its Maggie Walsh intensity. Buffy gets an access badge and a pager (drink!), but she doesn’t see what happens next: Maggie walks into Room 314 and we get our first look at Adam, a Frankenstein’s monster mash-up of human, demon and machine. It’s the opposite of exciting.
That night, the old gang (which Willow refers to as “Scooby core”) meets up at the Bronze, except Buffy arrives late and with Riley and some Initiative boys in tow. Not cool, Buff. Willow, who is especially upset because she made a point of not inviting Tara, reminds Buffy that she shouldn’t trust the Initiative, especially because of Ethan’s warning to Giles about “314,” but the convo is cut short when the pagers go off, and Buffy and the boys head off on a mission to take down a Polgara, a demon with bone skewers that shoot out of its arms. Neat! During the briefing, Buffy asks a ton of questions (all very valid!), which clearly annoys Maggie, and then Buffy can’t stop worrying about it while they’re on the hunt for the demon. On top of that, Riley’s buddy Graham is clearly jealous that Riley has a new right hand woman.
While they’re patrolling for the Polgara, part of the team spies Spike (walking home with a bag of groceries which is an adorable look on him) and shoots him with a tracer dart. He runs off, but then the Polgara attacks, and we are subjected to a montage of Buffy and Riley fighting the demon and then… having sex in Riley’s room? Guys, it’s weird, and I really don’t want to talk about it. Especially the part where Walsh is WATCHING AND RECORDING IT. Nope nope nope. Let us NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.
Spike runs to Giles’ place and asks for help, which provides Giles with an excellent opportunity to remind him that Spike didn’t want anything to do with the Scoobs, and damn, I am HERE for Giles throwing shade. They try to extract the tracer from Spike’s body, but it’s in pretty deep, so Willow does a spell to obscure Spike’s location by altering the atmosphere, and while it doesn’t quite work, there’s the fringe benefit of electrified hair.
Not that it matters, but they manage to extract the tracer right before the Initiative bros show up, so the Scooby core is safe.
Meanwhile, Buffy’s questions now have Riley, who was plucked out of special ops to join the Initiative yet has NEVER BOTHERED TO ASK about basic shit like THE AGENDA, feeling curious, which Maggie takes as a cue to kill the Slayer. She sends Buff on a bogus mission, trapping her with two squid-faced demons, and when Buffy’s video walkie talkie thing goes offline, Walsh assumes she’s been killed (amateur hour over here) and tells Riley that Buffy tragically died on a recon mission. Then this happens:
Buffy, appearing on the video monitor behind Walsh: Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on? It wasn’t a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that’s enough to kill me, you really don’t know what a slayer is. Trust me when I say you’re gonna find out.
Gotta admit, this moment woke me up a little! So, now Riley knows that Maggie is shady, and then Buffy shares the same scoop with the Scoobs. But, once again, it doesn’t really matter, because Maggie heads to 314 to monologue to Adam about how she’s going to take Buffy down, and not only do we not care, Adam doesn’t care, as evidenced by him stabbing her with his arm bone spear! While calling her, “Mommy,” which is a detail none of us needed. Anyway, BYE MOM.
How many times do I have to take a drink?
11
Vamps Dusted
0. Y’all, I miss the old days of basic slayage.
Stylish Yet Affordable Boots
I genuinely love Buffy’s necklace and halter combo. Bonus: you can patrol in it!
Maggie: They do have keen eyesight. You might want to be suited up for this.
Buffy: Oh! You mean the camo and stuff? I thought about it, but on me it’s gonna look all Private Benjamin. Don’t worry, I’ve patrolled in this halter many times.
The Truest Thing Anybody Said This Week
“I think Riley’s okay in an oafish kind of way.” – Xander
4.14 “Goodbye, Iowa”
Look, guys. Even though there’s a quarantine happening and many of us have MUCH more free time on our hands, it’s still not worth wasting on this episode. So here’s the gist, quick and dirty.
Buffy moves the Scoobs to Xander’s basement so the Initiative can’t find them (Giles’ response is worth noting: “Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank hole.”), while Riley is grief-stricken over Maggie’s death and eventually blames Buffy, because he is THE WORST. Adam leaves the Initiative compound and, seeking to learn about the world, kills a little kid so he can dissect his insides. Cool cool cool.
Several characters pay a visit to Willy’s Place. Spike gets kicked out because he’s been hunting demons, and then Buffy, seeking information, has to instead wrangle Riley, who is in withdrawal from meds that Maggie had been secretly putting into the Initiative bros’ food.
Buffy and Xander go “undercover” to infiltrate the Initiative compound to figure out Maggie’s secret plans, and ONCE AGAIN, Riley shows up and bores the shit out of all of us, but then Adam arrives to nab the most zzzzzs by delivering a monologue about “Mother” and how she loved him and Riley best, and gross. The only highlight? Adam inserting floppy discs into a drive over his heart to process information. Hack the planet! A fight ensues, but Buffy is no match for this snooze monster, who kills a doctor, severely injures Riley and then makes his exit. The Initiative bros insist on transporting Riley to a military hospital where Buffy isn’t allowed, so now she’s left worried and anxious about his condition. Girl, you’re not the only one!
Seriously, though. That’s it. 45 minutes of our lives for THAT. (Or only a few minutes, if you just read this recap instead of watching the episode. You’re welcome.)
How many times do I have to take a drink?
10. Or eleventy, if you’re truly taking a drink every time Riley is a drag.
Vamps Dusted
0
Spike: The Red Bull of This Episode
In responding to Riley’s presence and attempting to misdirect his Initiative agenda towards Buffy, Spike wins MVP.
Spike: By the by, if you’re trying to kill her… [two enthusiastic thumbs up]
Scooby Gang Feels
As much as I’m sure Xander’s basement apartment sucks, it’s really sweet to see our crew in close, comfy quarters.
Willow, Anya and Buffy are watching cartoons together on the sofa bed. Wylee Coyote gets bashed with a wrecking ball.
Buffy: That would never happen.
Willow; Well, no Buff. That’s why they call them cartoons, not documentaries.
Is Amy Still a Rat?
Yes, and I don’t see her cage in the garage, so I hope someone in the dorm is feeding her!
Never Underestimate the Power of Yummy Sushi Pajamas
Because we all wanted them! (And still do.)
Buffy, wearing sushi print pajamas: I’ll make him die in ways he can’t imagine. (Looks down at her outfit.) That would have sounded more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
Buffy’s Scientist Disguise, a.k.a. Porno Central Casting
What is this, a Cinemax movie?
Welp, that’s all, folks! Did I miss anything of immense importance? Did anyone just skip the episodes and head straight to this post? (No shame.) Am I the only one who (for real) blocked out that Riley and Buffy sex scene after the first viewing and did NOT appreciate being reminded that it happened?
At least things are about to get a bit more interesting thanks to the arrival of a certain other Slayer! Join us next week for Kandis’ recap of “This Year’s Girl” and “Who Are You?”
