The current descendants of the Salem witches – four young warlocks – make new discoveries about their powers when they must stop a destructive mega-evil force in an apocalyptic battle.
Someone explain to me HOW I missed this movie back in 2006? (I’m going to guess because it came out right as I transferred to a new university and I had, you know, other things going on, but for shame, past me. FOR SHAME.) OMG, where do we even begin? Actually, I know: let’s start with the four separate taglines IMDB helpfully grouped together, because these are making my day. I present to you, “The Covenant: A(n Inaccurate) Poem”:
In 1692, five families with untold power formed a covenant of silence. One family lusting for more, was banished, their bloodline disappearing without a trace. Until now.
(I feel like this covenant was for a lot more than just silence, but sure. The movie absolutely does not care if its magic systems make sense, so you shouldn’t either.)
Four have the power. One will stop at nothing to possess it.
(Incorrect. Technically five have the power, and one will stop at nothing to get more power.)
To save the future, they must battle their past.
(Well, the main dude has to battle a heretofore unknown secret fifth member of the coven, but no one knew he existed and he’s the same age as they are. This line makes it sound like a 17th-century warlock time-traveled to the future to spar with him, which, honestly, would’ve been cooler.)
Only the power of hell can help them.
If the final boss fight had featured the two warlocks summoning fiery denizens of hell to fight like BattleBots, that would have been LIT. But I’m sorry to have to tell you hell-magic apparently looks a lot like a strong gust of wind from an air cannon, just CGI’d. OMG, wait. Mentally paste in to their hands along with their wiggly hand movements these babies and NOW we’re cooking with gas.
It’s easy to sit here in 2021 and pass judgement on why this actor was cast as the lead instead of Taylor or Chace, but a quick spin around IMDB shows that this movie came out right before their respective hit shows. Looks like Steven found some notoriety in multiple seasons of The Expanse, which I’ve never watched but I feel like many people do. He does about the best he can do with cardboard cut-out Caleb Danvers, the most boringest teen warlock who ever lived.
I one-hundred percent watched this movie because of my new-found Sebastian Stan addiction, which is still going strong post-FATWS (ed. note: this post was written back in 2021. I’d still hit that though.). Did I one day happen to check all my streaming services to see what Sebastian Stan movies were included? I’ll never tell. I am ruining nothing by telling you that Sebastian plays the secret evil warlock, and the reason I did not include him as an option to play boring Caleb is because he is chewing the eff out of the scenery as the villain and loving every minute of it. I shit you not, during the boss fight he UNIRONICALLY taunts Caleb by calling him his “wi-yotch”—as in witch-bitch, and keeps a completely straight face. Where is his Oscar?!
Stan was also still pretty early on in his career and, like Chace, hadn’t starred in his guest spot on Gossip Girl as Carter Baizen just yet (though, now I’m wondering, did he get that because he and Chace met through his movie?). Anyway, much like his stint on GG (which happened only a year later), he’s almost too baby-faced for me here.
Taylor’s character is a huge meathead who gets jealous of his girlfriend hanging around Chase and sits out the last part of the movie in a hospital bed. But he does get shirtless a bunch, and this is peak Riggins, so, I say: enjoy it. (I was going to screen-cap all of the dudes in this swim scene, but his abs were honestly the most impressive; it didn’t even feel right.)
I’m pretty sure out of everything Toby will ever do in his acting career, he’ll be best known for playing Taylor Swift’s boyfriend in her “Mine” video (it has 305 million views, if you were wondering).
Chace also doesn’t have much to do except fill a seat in the SUV the boys drive around and provide moral support for his bros. More importantly, every time he appeared I really just wanted to ask him which of his on-screen BFFs he thought was worse: magic-abuser Reid or actual-abuser Chuck Bass? (It’s obviously Chuck.)
Poor Laura had to play the typical hot girl from every mid-2000s movie. She isn’t allowed to have any character development outside her new witchy boyfriend and had to spend the last twenty minutes of the movie literally floating around in a barn engulfed in flames wearing an off-the-rack prom dress all because two dudes can’t share. You deserved better, bebe.
Couch-Sharing Capability: Sleepover Friends
I desperately wished I had waited to watch this movie with a friend instead of watching during my (extended) lunch break from work. If everyone is vaccinated, might I suggest making this a slumber party so you can discuss the finer points *eyebrow waggle* of the
shirtless scenes movie’s plot without distraction?
Recommended Level of Inebriation: Let’s Make It A Drinking Game!
We love a good drinking game here at FYA, so I took it upon myself to make you one, because, really, this movie is best with adult beverages. Pace yourself; you may get schwasty:
The Official FYA The Covenant Drinking Game:
Take a sip:
- Every time someone does magic
- When there’s a long-ass shower scene for Sarah, or whenever she and her roommate walk around sans pants—or, really, any time a female is objectified with zero character development
- When they’re in a classroom
- Sebastian Stan licks his lips
- Caleb gives off himbo vibes
- It’s unclear in the scene if you should expect Chase and Caleb to start kissing or not
- The pop-metal-rock soundtrack choices make you cringe
Take a shot:
- Every time you see a spider
- Whenever the camera lingers on Caleb’s creepy looking dad
Use of Your Streaming Subscription: Excellent
I will admit “excellent” is a relative term here, but would I have wanted to pay to rent this movie? Absolutely not. Watch it on the free (to me) Starz app that I pilfer off my parents’ cable subscription? Hell yes! I know some of you out there probably forgot to cancel your Starz account after the last season of Outlander, so make (questionable) good use of an evening at home and revel in this time-capsule of a truly, superbly bad supernatural teen movie.