Drinks Taken: 22
Welcome back to the Dawson’s Creek Rewatch Project! Last week, Britt asked me a very important question: has Dawson gotten any cuter to me recently? And here’s the deal: James Van Der Beek is part of the “It Gets Better” persuasion, because he’s someone I find increasingly cute every time I look at him. I mean, look at him these days! Soooo cute:
WOULD. Let’s drink to Dawson Leery’s ever-increasing cuteness level:
The Dawson’s Creek Drinking Game
Drink Once every time:
Joey purses her mouth or chews on her lip
Joey tucks her hair behind her ear
Sex makes Dawson and/or Joey extremely uncomfortable
Grams says “Jennifaaah”
Andie gives an impassioned speech (or rant)
Jack wears the straightest shoes possible
Pacey wears a shirt that makes you want to blind yourself
Drink Twice every time:
You have literally no idea why Joey is mad
Pacey gives someone a really good hug
Cool Jen Lindley is totally crapped on by the universe
Onto the episodes!
2.16 “Be Careful What You Wish For”
Dawson’s wigging because he’s about to turn 16 and he’s the exact same person he was a year ago. Not entirely true, Dawson! As mentioned above, you are slightly cuter than last year. But in all other respects, yeah. You in a rut, son.
Andie’s also in a rut, of the hyper-responsible variety. Her therapist prescribes “one night of imperfection,” a prescription she should have run by Pacey first, since he’s going to be the poor guy forced to wrangle a perfectly imperfect Andie. After all, when Andie McPhee decides to be irresponsible, she irresponsibles BIG.
Meanwhile, Joey’s trying to plan a surprise party for Dawson, in spite of the fact that he kind of hates her for not wanting to get back together even though her boyfriend’s gay. And Gail and Mitch are fighting over their respective gifts for Dawson for his birthday. Mitch wants them to go in together on a used car because he’s poor, and Gail already bought Dawson a brand new Explorer because she’s employed.
All of this blows up over the course of one TOTALLY MAGICAL EVENING. Pacey and Andie are tasked with keeping Dawson preoccupied while Joey and Co. set up the party, and Dawson requests a visit to Ty’s lame-ass jazz club. Pacey agrees, and Andie and Dawson sneakily order rum and cokes when Pacey isn’t paying attention. He’s like “Wow, these guys are kind of annoying tonight,” but doesn’t notice they’re trashed until THIS happens:
SO HILARIOUS! Andie’s moves are killing me. The bartender’s like “those are clearly TEENAGERS” and they get kicked out and head to the party. Dawson then proceeds to drunkenly tell everyone off: his parents for being immature dummies, Jen for being a promiscuous drunk (WATCH IT, Dawson. But also you’re maybe not wrong), Jack for being a gay man who still managed to steal Dawson’s girlfriend, and Joey for being incapable of knowing what she wants. Like, this is all so rude, but also basically true. I CANNOT FORGIVE HIM for what he says about Pacey, however:
I wish that my friend Pacey would just end his transformation of this A-student, do-gooder, all-around sanctimonious angel and would go back to what he does best, which is make me feel good about my life when his is supposed to be worse.
Eat a dick, Dawson. But Dawson gets his, the way all amateur drinkers do. First, he falls in his cake (hah!), and then this:
And also this:
So anyway, Gail realizes Mitch is right and this giant doofus doesn’t deserve a brand new Explorer, so they’re going to go the used car route, and only pay the down payment and make Dawson pay the rest, because he clearly needs to learn the lesson of responsibility.
ALSO: JEN IS STILL DATING TY. Why, guys? WHY. He’s a homophobe! And then she somehow seems surprised to discover he’s also a sexist. They’re making out and he gets all BACK, EVIL TEMPTRESS! on her, and then I guess they break up for real. Please let this be for real. Ty suuuuuuucks.
Oh yeah AND.
Gross Abby decides she wants to “turn” Jack now that he’s out, and because Jack’s so desperate to fit in, her scheme sort of works for a brief, supremely awkward moment.
But this pretty icky situation has a great resolution: first, Jack talks to Joey and is really honest with her about how confused he’s feeling, and they seem to be closer friends than ever by the end. And second, Jack gets an AWESOME burn in on Abby. She walks out of the bedroom and reports smugly to her catty girlfriends, “Not so gay anymore,” and Jack counters so everyone can hear, “More gay than ever, actually.” DAMN, Jack!
How many times did I have to drink?
Hello, from 1999
Andie’s body glitter game is ON POINT.
Andie, defining “id” for Dawson and Pacey: “It’s the part of you that holds your purest impulses and desires. It doesn’t care what anyone thinks. It just wants what it wants.”
Abby, discussing sexual fluidity to Jack: “Well, we’re all bisexual, don’t you think? We’re all just sexual animals under God. This puritanical society would have us think our natural impulses are something to be ashamed of, when it’s really those kind of attitudes that are the embarrassment.”
The truest thing anybody said this week
Dawson, about himself, “I’m still… me. The same whiny, adolescent, big-talking, small-doing loser that I was a year ago.” Aww. True.
The best thing anybody said this week
In response to Dawson’s moronic implication that Jack is part of some “whole gay-man-straight-woman” conspiracy, Pacey snarks, “You’re right, Dawson. It’s all part of the evil gay plan to keep the species from repopulating.” <3
Least likely dialogue
Dawson, drunkenly railing at the ceiling, “God, I am so lonely. I’m 16 years old and I’m so hopelessly lonely.”
The much-missed big sister returns just in time to give poor Joey some advice after she learns her boyfriend is gay. Good advice, too! “You paint. You concentrate on your art and yourself. I mean, you broke up with Dawson because you wanted to find yourself, and then you went straight into a relationship with Jack. Now’s your chance to do what you set out to do.” Stick around, Bessie! Joey needs you.
Best pop culture reference
Abby’s dumb friend trying to relate to Jack, “You know, I totally watched Ellen through that whole tumultuous year and, well, she didn’t come out until she was, like, 40.”
2.17 “Psychic Friends”
There’s some sort of cute fair happening in Capeside, and everyone’s participating. Joey’s selling her art with Jack’s help (these two are such cute friends! They rate boys in the lunchroom together. I can’t wait for Jack + Jen 4Ever, but this is a nice substitute), Pacey’s giving crime advice as police mascot Captain Skippy (his Skippy voice rules), Grams and Jen are working the quilt booth (and selling “decorated clothespins to seal potato chip bags,” per Grams, to Jen’s dismay), and Andie is obsessing over a gypsy psychic who gives her some bad news. Seems Andie McPhee’s life is going to get harder before it gets easier, and she does NOT handle this news well. But Pacey gives her a great pep talk, because that’s what Pacey does.
So what’s Dawson doing? A new film teacher has moved to town, Ms. Kennedy, and she’s a babe and also MEAN. She’s a real screenwriter, apparently, even though she’s teaching a high school film class in Capeside, Massachusetts, and Dawson is all hard up for her approval. After some well-earned trepidation, he shows her “Creek Daze,” and she rails on it.
I think your film is completely uninspired. I mean the production value is flat, the storyline is nonexistent, even your dialogue is not believable. It lacks emotion of any kind and sends no message to the audience. It’s a preposterous soap opera about a bunch of teenagers who talk too much. I mean, we’ve seen it before. All that self-aware, self-referential hyperbole filled with clichés that are disguised as send-ups. It actually borders on plagiarism.
DAMN, MS. KENNEDY. You are mean! This is not productive advice for a teacher to give a student, and Dawson is crushed. He ends the episode staring moonily at Joey as she sells a painting, and it bums me out, really.
I’m not bummed that Joey sold a painting, however! Good for her! AND she becomes a model. A cute guy asks Joey if he can take her picture, and Joey admits to Jack that she’s kind of in the mood to kiss a boy. Jack is smart and insists on attending the photo shoot with her so she doesn’t get murdered, and there’s a cute montage of Joey hamming it up in front of the camera:
After the shoot, when Joey’s hoping Cute Photographer will smooch her, he instead asks her about her obviously gay friend Jack. Because Cute Photographer is gay! Joey presumptuously tells Cute Photographer that Jack will meet him after the fair, and Jack gets half-rightly, half-unfairly angry. “Look, just because there’s a second homosexual in Capeside, it doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to go out with him, Joey!” But later he admits he’s mostly just scared, and Joey meets Cute Photographer to let him down gently. Turns out Cute Photographer is on the rebound from a relationship he ended but now he can’t remember why, and Joey looks over at Dawson, seemingly feeling the same way. HEED BESSIE’S ADVICE, JOEY.
As Jen and Grams are working the quilt booth, a cute old dude keeps eyeballin’ Grams. Turns out they went to high school together, and he asks her to dinner. Grams is shy and shocked, but Jen convinces her to give the old dude a chance, and even gives her a makeover!!!!
What a fox! In the end, old dude is a married creep, but Grams isn’t sweating it. She tells Jen that she “did something wonderful for me today.” Jen gave her the gift of moving on, and a hot new hairdo, to boot.
And finally: Joey walks up to her house at night to find her dad waiting for her on the porch. “Daddy?”, she breathes. Cliffhanger!
How many times did I have to drink?
Mitch now works at Capeside High, subbing as Dawson’s English teacher. You read that right! THE TERMINALLY UNEMPLOYABLE MITCH LEERY FINALLY GOT A JOB!!!
Ms. Kennedy is Mädchen Amick, undeniable babe of Twin Peaks, Mad Men and Gilmore Girls fame. Her character is pretty similar to that of Gilmore Girls‘, in that she’s a gorgeous, self-assured woman who is also kind of a monster.
Dawson’s literal worst nightmare
He dreams that Jack directed “Creek Daze” and proposed to Joey.
Pacey’s wardrobe is certainly improving
No bowling or Hawaiian shirts in sight!
Pacey jokes to Andie that the psychic will have a happy prediction for her, saying that she’ll tell her, “I see a tall, dark and handsome man coming into your life and sweeping you off your feet.” The psychic does NOT tell Andie that, but she DOES tell Joey Potter that a tall, dark man will come into her life. MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL.
The gayest thing Jack has ever said
During the photoshoot, he coaches Joey, “You’re the ghost of Catherine and you’re waiting for Heathcliff at the end of Wuthering Heights!” No wonder Cute Photographer knew he was gay. I love him!
That’s it for this week! Britt, I have a question for you: how much body glitter did you wear in the ’90s? I wore SO MUCH body glitter. My high school boyfriend had to ask me to stop wearing it, because his parents could always tell when we made out.
Meet Britt here next Wednesday morning as she covers “A Perfect Wedding” and “Rest in Peace.” Some shit is about to go down!!