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Previously: Elena took the cure, Damon is considering it, Alaric and Jo are getting hitched, Caroline turned her humanity back on and fled for the hills, and Lily is turning Full Ripper so her sons have locked her away in the Salvatore Secret Prison for Unremittent Vampires.
Bon-Bon is having some crazy premonitions/dreams about Lily and Kai and we should all be very concerned because honestly – did we really think that a Mystic Falls wedding (especially one involving a witch) was going to go smoothly? NOPE.
Jo is T-minus eight hours and counting until the wedding and she’s a complete mess…and then Danielle the Wedding Coordinator calls out sick. Dammit Danielle, you had one job! I know you’re up the duff and all but ONE mimosa isn’t going to kill you, Jo. And you need to RELAX. At this point the day can only be saved by Caroline Forbes, and IT IS. Hugs all around, ladies! She apologizes to Elena for saying she’d never be happy with Damon; having your humanity turned off makes you a total bitch. Elena is all forgiveness and heart-eyes, and tells Caroline that Damon has agreed to also take The Cure. Caroline’s all like, “WHAAAAT?
Matt and Tyler are helping Alaric get ready, and by “helping” I mean “plying him with bourbon”. Tyler makes an incredibly douche-y toast (stop blaming the full moon, TYLER). Thankfully, Caroline is on the scene to send texts full of wedding to-do’s. How did Mystic Falls cope without her?
Damon SHOULD also be getting Alaric drunk on his wedding day (boys are so dumb) but instead Stefan has kidnapped him at Elena’s request. She wants to make sure he REALLY knows what he’ll be signing up for as a human – a mortgage, neighbors, KIDS, possibly. Stefan takes him to one of his hideout houses in the ‘burbs. I mean, sure, suburbia can be a bit dull but apparently no one has informed the Salvatore Brothers about Netflix.
Enzo and his Fashionable Man Scarf show up to Chez Salvatore and an unimpressed Bonnie is there to greet him. Or, more accurately, mock him for making Lily a mix tape. Seriously y’all, Enzo made her a playlist of music from her past to try and keep her from going batshit. (Too late, Enzo, although the sentiment is sweet.) Bonnie agrees to deliver the MP3 player but Lily is at the full-crazy point of her detox and tries to attack Bonnie through the bars.
Elena explains to Bonnie why Lily is practically feral while Matt drops by to pick up the centerpieces. Tyler is at the church helping Caroline with the flowers and it’s nice to see him being mocked for his ineptitude. She apologizes for trying to kill him and I’m like, “Girrrrl don’t even worry about it, Tyler is The Worst”. And who shows up to the wedding but LIV. I really thought she was gone for good but she’s back and rocking a very cute new ‘do. She and Tyler argue and she wins my heart by calling him a monosyllabic goon.
Matt and Bonnie are working their way down Caroline’s list by going to the town florist. Bonnie shares with Matt her crazy dreams and he’s like, “BOOM – check out my cache of weapons that I keep ABOUT MY PERSON.” They both agree that Lily needs to be more secured than she is.
Stefan is still dropping reality bombs on Damon in the ‘burbs. He gives him a microwave dinner to eat because neither Damon nor Elena could possibly learn how to cook. Just get them a Crock-Pot and a Pinterest account, they’ll be fine.
Stefan reminds him that he won’t be able to compel people anymore and he’s going to have to get a job if he wants to be about that sweet chromed-appliance life. He also tells him he’s not going to lend him any money. (I’m with you there, Stefan. Lending money to family does nothing but cause friction.) What he’s really trying to do is paint a realistic picture of just how isolated Damon and Elena will have to be in order to stay safe; Stefan himself won’t even be able to know where they live because another vampire could compel the info from him. When the news gets out that Damon and Elena have Cure-blood running through their now-human veins they’re going to be Persons Of Interest among the fanged community. Damon comes back with his own plan. That’s right, Damon Salvatore has been thinking ahead, and he’s bought a bar with an apartment right above and a medical school nearby for Elena.
Stefan calls Elena to give her an update (because of course this is all her idea) and she tells him to push Damon MORE. She’s also drinking a shit-ton of champagne to try and calm her nerves so Jo offers to make coffee, except that Jo spins around, hits her head and collapses. It’s all VERY fishy. Elena takes her to the hospital and they chalk it up to a panic attack. Elena keeps Alaric in the loop and the two of them wax lyrical about how great it is to be human again, to feel like you have a purpose. (I mean is it really THAT great, you guys? Speaking from experience as one who has spent the past FOUR MONTHS mostly immobile AND housebound from a fractured leg I’d say it’s pretty damn overrated. End rant.)
Caroline tries to plead reason with Tyler; he only lasted two weeks at the police academy, has zero direction AND is now alienating Liv instead of talking to her like a grown-ass man. He storms off, a true scrotum sack to the end.
Stefan doubles down on his Suburban Nightmare Tour with Damon: what if you guys split up? It happens all the time with normal, human couples. You drift apart, resentment builds, etc etc. He reminds Damon that he and Elena were ALSO once soulmates. That is an excellent point, Stefan, and one that Damon does not respond to very well. Fraternal Truth Bombs.
Stefan puts possible scenarios in Damon’s mind and they all involve Elena working hella hours in school and in her residency and Damon being bored and drunk a lot. I mean, hasn’t Damon heard of MeetUp.com? Damon is pissed at Stefan and throws out that it’s not even about him and Elena, it’s about Stefan not wanting to lose the pair of them. Which is probably very true but it’s not the ENTIRE truth. We all know how awful Damon is at steering his own life. The final possibility Stefan projects into Damon’s head is one of Elena dying and leaving him alone. This reality involves lots of alcohol, TV-watching and frozen foods from Trader Joe’s. Damon has had ENOUGH and head-butts Stefan. He’s hurt when he realizes that it was all Elena’s idea. He’s confused and looks to his brother for advice. Stefan tells him that he has to want to be human for himself, not Elena.
The wedding! Punch bowls and Mason jars! God bless the South. Everything is covered in twinkle lights and it’s all very Mumford and Sons. Stefan arrives and Caroline attempts to duck and dodge him at every turn. He tells Elena that Damon is taking some time to think about what he’s going to do. He admits that he doesn’t want him to take The Cure and tells her what Damon was like as a human – aimless, unsatisfied (uh, wasn’t he a Civil War veteran? Maybe that was down to some PTSD. Also pining for Katherine.) We see Damon squish the neighbor kid’s soccer ball with glee and it’s so unabashedly DAMON that I can’t help but smile. He compels the kid to go get his parents’ car keys but then witnesses THE cutest elderly couple arrive, bickering lovingly. He gets a glimpse of what forty years with someone you love could look like, and it’s not too shabby.
Matt and Bonnie arrive at Chez Salvatore to make sure that Lily can’t get out and of course she’s already gone. Ghost fingers wrap around both of their throats, choking them until they pass out. This doesn’t bode well. Lily, looking much refreshed, finds Enzo at the bar and thanks him for her MP3 player, even if she doesn’t know how to work it. She declares that she’s getting her family back today and this has Kai’s stink all over it. She and Enzo end up in a freight yard but her family are nowhere to be found. Hmm.
Jo and Alaric exchange little sweetlings over the phone with each other as she finishes getting ready. Her father shows up and asks if he could walk her down the aisle. (I’ll never be able to look at this guy and NOT think of him as Ted in Breaking Bad. Poor, stupid Ted.)
Caroline runs into Stefan and he calls her out for avoiding him and asks if they can talk. He tells her his feelings about Damon and she apologizes for turning off his humanity. She’s so worried that he hates her. Oh Caroline. That could never happen. She tells him how hurt she was when he left town and how he never could let her know what his feelings were for her. There is much hand-holding and it’s very feelz-inducing:
As much as she loves him she tells him she needs time to grieve and get past her feelings of guilt; she need to feel in control and allowing herself to really fall in love with him just isn’t in the cards at the moment. These two. I give them another week before they’re wrapped up in one another. (Especially since we know what’s coming in next week’s finale.)
Damon finally arrives and he and Elena have The Talk. He’s ready to take the plunge with her. So of course they abandon their Best Man/Maid of Honor duties and go have steamy sex in a barn. As you do. Caroline is panicking that they’re not there and when they show up all mussed and tussed she gives them her patented Look of Disapproval. They mention that Bonnie and Matt aren’t there either but don’t seem to think that it’s foreboding in any way AT ALL. They must have dropped off the centerpieces BEFORE heading to Chez Salvatore because you know Caroline would NOT let that slide.
Jo’s working some VERY serious underwire for her boobs to look this effortlessly buoyant.
The wedding FINALLY begins (is that The Civil Wars playing as Jo’s bridal walk music? (Yes!)) and Damon and Elena make post-sex googly eyes at each other while Alaric and Jo say their vows. Jo looks RADIANT (eat your heart out, Kate Middleton) but is interrupted by a bleeding abdomen courtesy of Kai. DAMMIT KAI. I knew it! He witchy-poos the entire wedding audience, breaks all of the glass and snaps all of the chandeliers. The last image is of Elena lying bloody and broken on the floor.
….so I guess we all know what next week’s finale will be then, yeah?
Thoughts:
- “That’s my fault, I was spooning you earlier and I think I sleep-siphoned you.” Even Dream-Kai is a complete and total CREEPER.
- “No matter how good Danielle was I’m pretty sure I’m better.” YASSS Caroline, how is it that you don’t have your own show on Bravo, girl??
- “To Alaric Salzman who, after today, will only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life.” It’s like the writers WANT me to hate Tyler.
- “Is this an Oedipus thing?” I mean, we were ALL thinking it, Bonnie. Sorry Enzo.
- “Paperwork? That’s your big move?” I’d like to be there when Damon Salvatore has to open his first non-compelled bank account.
- “I made a list. Of all the things I’ve done since I fell for you. It started last summer when you moved away.” Caroline will never miss a chance to make a list, people.
- “I love you. And I will love you until I take my last breath.” Or until Elena takes HER last breath. I’m just sayin’.
Alright y’all. Gird your loins for next week’s season finale and keep the Kleenex nearby because I have a feeling it’s going to be a DOOZY.
About the Contributor:
Amanda Reid is an East Coast girl living in California who will never stop missing a true autumn. She’s a bookseller who specializes in kid and teen lit, and she bakes a damn fine pie.
