Dear CW, Writers & Producers of The Vampire Diaries,
I would like to take this time to thank you for providing us, the world, with the exceptional levels of shirtlessness television your show has achieved. You might not know this, but we, your fans, have a whole dialect based around this show and its cast. Which brings me to my point: Last week, as there has been in weeks before, there was a little incident in which a certain character, Alaric mothereffin’ Saltzman, (known around here as the President of the Handsome Club) was fake-killed.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I thought you might not realize just how important the character of Alaric (also? Please stop calling him ‘Ric’) is to your fans. So, in order to demonstrate to you just how serious we are with our obsession fandom, we have launched a campaign in which we’d like to see Alaric Saltzman run for President. Of the United States of America.
The school is dark. Someone is clanking something. It’s Matt! He’s lifting weights! But it’s dark, and he hears something else. What in the WORLD are you doing in a dark school by yourself, Matt?!!! He follows his instinct or some sound, and I am worried. Not only could he be eaten, but his taste in gym shorts leaves something to be desired. And he sets off a bunch of mouse traps! I was not expecting that. Aw, he ruined senior prank night, which Caroline is forcing Elena, Tyler and Bonnie to participate in.
Elena goes off to glue somebody’s desk shut, and comes face to face with Klaus!!! Oh shit.
On the HOTTEST ROAD TRIP EVER, Katherine and Damon discuss Mystic Falls and Elena, before making out while driving, which is never a good idea, because hello! Car crash! But maybe vampires can multi-task really well, because they are fine. Damon is awesome Drink! and tells Katherine that she just doesn’t do it for him anymore.
George: (as Katherine) But you do get that Elena and I are exactly the same, right?! WE’RE EXACTLY THE SAME!!!
In the moving truck of death, Stefan wakes up after a rough day of repeated neck breaking. Rebecca asks him why the doppelgänger is still alive, and they fight! Because Stefan hearts Elena! But then she stakes him! With a crowbar! I guess that would mean she crowbarred him? That sounds all kinds of wrong. Klaus is meanwhile dragging the doppelgänger through the hallways, and is awesome. Drink! But I’m wondering where all of those pesky pranking seniors are at, hmmm? Oh, they’re in the gym. And Klaus starts playing a pretty mean version of Simon Says with them.
Damon throws away the car keys on the hottest road trip ever to get Katherine to tell him what she’s really doing. She shows him Rebecca/Elena’s necklace, and has a surprise for him in the trunk! It’s Jeremy! Oh, I didn’t think it was possible, but this road trip just got hotter.
Tyler and Caroline are kissing, and honey is involved, but it’s not as exciting as it sounds. They talk about Matt, and hope he’s okay with their boning and stuff. Then they get to the real making out. Drink! Then Rebecca shows up! Vampire girl fight! Kick her ass, Vampire Barbie!
Matt and Bonnie are throwing toilet paper around the pool, and I’m really glad I don’t go to Mystic Falls High. Can you imagine what that toilet paper will do to the filtration system? They talk about the ghost of Vicki and how good the good ole days were when they were lifeguards together. It sucks for Matt, being the only human in the mix without a ring of invincibility. Can somebody get the boy a ring of invincibility? I worry.
George: I mean, come on, those vampire day-walking rings come in, like, Cracker Jack boxes, right?
Matt goes into the bathroom to get some more TP, and one of the bathroom stalls acts all creepy. It’s Vicki, and she says she can help him! But he can’t hear you Vicki. And I’m still not convinced you’re not evil.
In the gym, Bonnie and Matt barge in, against my strict orders for them to stay away, and Klaus is pleased! Oh, Klaus… He tells Bonnie she has to figure out a way around the whole curse-thing, so he can start building his werepire army, and then he makes Tyler drink his blood!! Oh noes! And then he snaps Tyler’s neck!!!! Double crap!!!! CW, you can’t make me start liking Tyler all of a sudden and then kill him! It’s not fair!
While Stefan wakes up and un-crowbars himself, Klaus sends Bonnie and Matt off to find a cure for the curse of the werepire, and Rebecca tells Elena that the original doppelgänger was much prettier. Does she mean Katherine? Or the original, original?
George: (as Elena) BUT WE’RE EXACTLY THE SAME…
And even more importantly, WHAT HAPPENED TO CAROLINE??!!!! Since Bonnie no longer has access to the hundred dead witches Drink! she realizes that they need Jeremy…
…Who is unconscious at the hottest road trip everrrrr x infinity. Katherine tells Damon that there’s a way to kill Klaus dead-dead. It turns out Pearl knew how! But Pearl’s dead! But Pearl told her daughter, Anna! Aha! It’s all so clear to me now. And to Jeremy.
Stefan joins the grim group in the gym, asking Klaus to forgive him, and pledging his allegiance to the Evil Handsome Club once and for all. He’ll do ANYTHING Klaus asks him to. Oh, Stefan. That was not your brightest move. Klaus smells a rat and bitch-slaps Elena, which makes Stefan go all mamma-bear on him. Only Klaus is way stronger. Then Klaus compels Stefan to OBEY him,
George: Low blow, Klaus. BUT, I wish I could do that to (our dog) Maudy. (looks at Maudy intensely) OBEY, Maudy.
Maudy: Nice try, George.
then Stefan has to eat the two high school students from the game of Simon Says. Worst senior prank ever.
At the hottest road trip ever, infinity, etc., Damon is awesome Drink! and Anna tells Jeremy that she won’t help them, because Katherine is not their friend. Under Katherine’s suggestion, Damon grabs Jeremy and slams his head against the car! Anna tells them to find Michael, who I think is Sebastian Roche, vampire hunter! OH, or Sebastian Roche, vampire, vampire hunter! But Anna says they shouldn’t wake him, because he’ll kill them all!
Caroline wakes up to Rebecca and some product placement and Tyler deadish on the floor. I think we should have a new rule this season to Drink! whenever somebody says ‘hybrid’. Phone snooping Rebecca figures our that Elena has/had the necklace. We should also Drink! whenever somebody says ‘necklace’. I’ll post a new list of rules for this season next week!
Klaus is awesome Drink! as Stefan finishes eating the two high school kids, when Rebecca busts in asking where her necklace Drink! is. Rebecca eats Elena a little, because she really doesn’t like sharing her jewelry, and Elena tells them Katherine has it. For reasons I don’t understand, this makes Klaus set a timer for 20 minutes
George: He actually just has some cookies in the oven.
He tells Stefan that if Bonnie hasn’t reversed the curse in that time, that he has to eat Elena. Elena’s all ‘don’t do this to him’, and I think she should really be more concerned about being eaten.
Matt finds the contents of his bag strewn down the hallway. Man, that Vicki always was a slob. He follows the clothes-crumbs to the pool. His keys are in the bottom. Then Vicki texts him. He has to be able to hear her!
George: Aw, he’s going to go all flatliners…
Oh no! Don’t drown, Matt! He calls Bonnie, and tells her his plan, and for her to meet him at the pool. But Bonnie doesn’t have raising-the-dead powers anymore! Matt tells her she doesn’t need magic, she just needs CPR!!! Which we know is a load of crock, because even in CPR-training class, they tell you all CPR will do is keep the brain from going brain-dead until the defibrillator arrives.
George: waitwaitwaitwaitwait! Just text her back! Just text her back!
Matt chains himself to a weight and jumps into the pool. Bonnie is running into the school! Matt looks really dead! Bonnie jumps in after him!
George: Tell you what. Witch can swim.
Damon asks Katherine for his phone back, but she’s still sore about him preferring Elena. He gets it anyway, and sees texts from Bonnie telling him that Klaus is back. Katherine tries to convince him not to return to Mystic Falls, but he tells Jeremy to stay with her as a conduit to Anna and is awesome Drink! Oh man, is Nina Dobrev going to get to make out with Jeremy now, too?!!!
Bonnie sucks at CPR, and Vicki is talking to Matt.
As the clock ticks down in the gym, Elena tries to convince Stefan that he can resist Klaus’s compulsion. And Stefan is awesome Drink! Then he talks about how he’s a ripper and won’t be able to stop once he starts eating her. Elena doesn’t believe him, and tells him love conquers all, and they have a heart to heart, and then he says that he’ll still kill her.
Tyler wakes up a brand new hybrid Drink! and Rebecca tells him about how he’ll end up like Simon from 7th Heaven if Bonnie does’t break the curse.
Matt tells Bonnie Vicki’s message from the original witch who started the curse: that the doppelgänger has to be dead for the curse to be broken. AND now I know that Vicki is pure evil, because Matt almost died for information that EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS. Klaus is awesome Drink! and says ‘hybrid’ Drink! and hybrid again Drink!
The final seconds are ticking down, and Stefan begs Elena to run, but Elena tells him to fight it! He tries! Real hard! And tells Elena to run again! And she does! Right into Klaus! And Stefan is trying SO HARD to fight against the compulsion, and he grabs a broom! Aw HELL NO! He’s going to stake himself!!! And then Klaus compels him to stop loving Elena! And he says NO!!! And Klaus YELL/COMPELS him, and then Stefan goes all eye-veiny, and jumps at her with his mouth wide open!
Klaus has a hunch about what might save his hybrid Drink! and it’s drinking Elena’s blood! He gives it to Tyler, and Tyler starts spazzing out! And then he gets all eye-veiny! Success!
Elena wakes up in the hospital, and they’re taking more of her blood for the werepire army. Rebecca wonders why the doppelgänger is both the problem and the solution.
George: ‘Cause witches always say one thing and then do the opposite.
And that is exactly what it is. Then we find out that Klaus is just really lonely! That’s the reason he wants a werepire army! Klaus, I’m pretty sure there are lots of ladies who would be happy to hang with you. Just sayin’. Not that I would know anything about that.
Damon shows up and just as Klaus is about to kill him, he tells Klaus that Michael knows he’s back! And Klaus disappears! So Damon rushes into the hospital where Elena is sleeping, and carries her away.
Tyler is happy as a hybrid Drink! and tells Caroline that this school year is going to rock!
Bonnie tells Matt that he better not get killed again, and I agree with her. Then Matt turns around and he can see Vicki! And I just don’t know how to feel about that! Is she good? Is she bad? Is she somewhere in between?
Damon gives Elena some bourbon, and offers to compel her so she won’t remember what happened that night. Then he gives her the necklace Drink! that he stole back for her! But Elena has a sad Drink! because Stefan is really gone this time! And then she starts crying, because where were you, Damon? Damon looks like his poor little heart is going to break, and promises never to leave her again. But then shizzam! Stefan is there! And he’s all snarky! And he tells them that Klaus left him behind to watch over Elena now that he doesn’t love her anymore! But that can’t be!!! There are a few things I know in this world, and one of them is that Stefan loves Elena. But man, do like where this is going!!!!
Jeremy and Katherine approach a tomb marked “Pickett”, which is where Michael, aka Sebastian Roche, vampire, vampire hunter is entombed. And aw shit, there he is!!!
Well, well, well, WHAT AN EPISODE!!!! CW, you really outdid yourselves this time! We should start keeping an ‘oh shit!’ -ometer. This changes everything! Stefan is back! But he’s evil! Brilliant. Interesting that the president of the handsome club was nowhere to be seen in this ep, though. I like to think he got our memo, and is already on the campaign trail. Your turn!
