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You guys! According to the episode title, we’re about to finally meet all of the normal peeps in Mystic Falls! I can’t wait to see what the town dry cleaner thinks of all the supernatural shenanigans that go on in his town. Does it ever affect his business, do you think?
Who am I kidding? We don’t have time for those people!!! We have to know things, like WHY the necklace couldn’t be destroyed, and WTH is Katherine, and if Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter is totes evil or just badass, and when are Damon and Elena gonna get it on?!!!
So… show!
Alaric is leading Elena through Uncle Werewolf’s tunnel, and Damon sneaks up on her! Ah! Sneaky Damon! He is awesome. Drink! Then Alaric is awesome! Drink! They discuss just how long, exactly, the dead mayor’s family has lived in Mystic Falls, as Alaric shows Elena the cave paintings.
George: I wonder if they’ll find Werner Herzog down there in that cave… of forgotten dreams.
Alaric is using his super history teacher brain to translate the drawings: there is a moon, a man, and a wolf! I hope no Quileutes used to live in Mystic Falls. Damon is awesome again. Drink! Alaric tells Elena that the writing on the wall is older even than the 1800’s… it’s Viking writing! Aha! That’s why Rebekah mentioned the Vikings in history class! And the writing says… klaatu barada ni… Klaus.
Flashback! Drink! Someone is carving on the wall of that very cave! And it’s Rebekah! And Klaus is talking to her about handling blades, which seems a little suggestive and is making me a little bit uncomfortable. But Rebecca is bold as brass! Even though they’re both afraid of dear old Dad!
In the present cave, Elena thinks this is all a trick like the whole ‘curse of the sun and the moon’ thing, but Alaric shows her a final name: Mikael! Oh man! Do they mean, Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter? Aw, I get it, he’s gonna turn out to be their dad! Also? Who knew the name ‘Mikael’ was Viking in origin? Ha! Damon explains that Mikael IS dear old dad to the originals! (Oh shit!+1)
The president of the Handsome Club shows us the proper way to shoot the interior of an ancient cave without comprising the integrity of its drawings. Like a sassy fashion photographer! Take note, Mr. Herzog. It should also be noted that he is looking incredibly handsome while doing it!
You know what I think? I think the CW is giving us EXACTLY what we all crave: MORE ALARIC!!!! Oh. My. God. They ARE!!!! They are giving us exactly what we all crave! Because the very next scene is Alaric leading the hottest study group ever assembled, while Elena and Damon are simultaneously having a training montage in the background!!! Can I have an ‘oh shit’ for good things?!!!!!! Because televisions all over the world are ‘sploding from the hotness!!! (AW SHIT!!!! +2)
They decide they need to figure out more information about Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, and the best way to do that is with… cheerleaders! Oh, it’s Rebekah. Who LOVES doing cartwheels! Elena tries to ask her why she’s so afraid of her dear old dad, but as an original, Rebekah missed too much high school, so she really just wants to get back to cheer practice. But…
Flashback! Drink! Rebekah and one of her brothers, (is it Tyrone?) are running! She calls him Conan! Or maybe she just says ‘come on’, I can’t tell. But her other brothers are fighting again! And I think… AW YEAH, ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a Young Harry Hamlin sighting!!! YES!!!! Drink! And he has a better wig in this flashback! YHH and Klaus are joking around with swordplay, but dear old dad is watching and is full of rage!! Maybe he’s mad because Klaus isn’t really his son? Does he know that? He beats Klaus in a sword fight, just to teach him a lesson, and then taunts him, while the original mom is stern with her husband, to no affect. Since Mikael is the dad, I wonder if the mom is, perhaps, the original witch?
Poor Klaus. No wonder he’s so sad and doesn’t know how to show proper affection to his friends. He just wants his daddy to love him.
In the present, Mr. President is translating those cave drawings like it ain’t no thing. He’s got a vampire one, a witch one, and a werewolf one! Now all he needs to find is a ghost one, and he’ll have the complete Mystic Falls set! Elena tells both Damon, who is awesome Drink! and Alaric that she’s all over getting Rebekah to talk like white on rice.
Damon goes to visit Stefan in the Mystic Falls drunk tank, and poor Stefan! The mold in that cave is really messing with his allergies, because he sounds really congested. Stefan seems so sad Drink! and broken, so Damon decides to break him out and go have a drink! Hmmm, is Damon doing what’s best for Stefan, or what’s best for Damon, here? Personally, I kind of think he knows that without the compulsion being broken, there’s no hope for Stefan.
Elena arrives at the Salvatore’s in time to help Rebekah pick out a homecoming dress! Rebekah is having her very own fashion show in the foyer, and tells Elena in no uncertain terms to back the eff off.
Bonnie joins Alaric at the hottest study group ever assembled, and she brought him the necklace! Drink! And people, this scene just proves what I’ve been saying all along: that Alaric Saltzman can have sizzling chemistry with a cardboard box, because the look that passes between him and Bonnie has more passion in it than any other scene with Bonnie in it has ever had, ever! Alaric apologizes for Jeremy, and then shows Bonnie that one of the drawings is the symbol on the necklace! Drink! (Aw shit!+3) And so that means ‘witch’! Wait a minute, I thought he already had ‘witch’?
Rebekah leads Elena into Stefan’s room, and I wonder when he ever wore that cowboy hat? She tries to make Elena jealous by talking about his taste in underpants, but Elena is way too kickass to fall for that, and asks how a family of originals, who also happened to be Vikings (and maybe weren’t the originals yet?) ended up in Mystic Falls. Rebekah tells her that they were just trying to escape the plague… to America, where the streets were paved with gold, their mother ‘knew a witch’, and all the natives are also werewolves. Flashback! Drink!
The originals hide in the caves once a month, and hey! There’s the necklace! Drink! Rebekah tries to touch it, but it burns her! Oh! And there’s the original witch! FINALLY!! And she has a name I have no idea how to spell – but that sounds like a pop star. Also, no surprise — it MUST be explained somehow, right? Right? — her skin is brown. Historical timelines, show? Anyway, she tells Rebekah not to touch what isn’t hers. Then Klaus comes up, carrying the little brother, Conan! But his real name is Heinrich. The two brothers snuck out during the full moon, and the wolves attacked Heinrich. Now he’s dead. Poor Henriech. Pour one out.
George: (as Klaus) Why did YHH get the GOOD wig?
Damon calls Elena from a bar — with Stefan — and tells her not to worry, ’cause he knows what he’s doing. Elena is not so sure. Damon proceeds to order a shot of whiskey for himself and a shot of blonde bartender juicebox for Stefan. They play quarters, and have a heart to heart.
Rebekah is still snooping in Stefan’s room, and trying to rile Elena up, but if you’re gonna’ be all cutthroat, you might want to take it easy on all the cheerleading/homecoming stuff. Elena is awesome Drink! and agrees with me. Then she decides to leave, but Rebekah says ‘necklace’ Drink! and tells her that the original witch is the one who turned them all into vampires! WHA?!
Flashback Drink! Dear old dad is begging the witch with the name I have no idea how to spell — but that sounds like the name of a pop star — to help them fight against the weres. She can make them just like the weres, so they can fight! So all of this was just so they could keep up with the neighbors? Man, you guys. Anyway, the witch with the name I have no idea how to spell — but that sounds like the name of a pop star — says ‘no way, Jose’. And that’s when we found out that the original’s mother was ALSO A WITCH!!! We have our FIRST white witch!!! Erm… THEN Rebekah is all ‘yeah, witch, of the original family… the original witch… (OH SHIT!!!+4)
So it turns out the original vampires were turned by the sun and an oak tree? Then they drank wine with blood in it, and dear old dad stabbed them in the heart!
Flashback! Drink! YHH, Klaus and Rebecca all wake up, and dear old dad brings in a young girl for them to drink from. Then Rebekah explains to us all about how the sun burns (until you get a daywalking ring) the white oak flower (vervain) is also a problem, people can shut them out of their homes, and, oh yeah, the white oak can kill them. Obviously, they burned it to the ground. Which is why the dagger is dipped in ash! This episode is SO doing what Ricky always wanted from Lucy.
Damon is going all Coyote Ugly at the bar while Stefan is draining the juice box. Then Damon is awesome Drink! and tells Stefan that he’s just being Klaus’s little bitch, but Stefan just reminds him that Klaus can’t be killed. AND THEN Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, shows up, saying he can help with that!!! (OH SHIT!!!+5)
Elena asks Rebekah why Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, started hunting Klaus in the first place, and yep, it’s all because his wife, the original witch, cheated on him with a were. And had Klaus! And turning him into a vampire activated the were gene! She says hybrid. Drink! So Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, ripped her heart out! And then ran off! But then Rebekah and YHH join hands with Klaus and they all tell each other that they’ll stand by each other’s sides forever and ever and ever! So bring YHH back for reals, y’all!!! Rebekah is awesome Drink! telling Elena that she’d better not come after her brother.
Back at Coyote Ugly, Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, is questioning Stefan about Klaus, and Damon is awesome, Drink! asking if his interrogation skills are his secret weapon. But Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, reaches into Damon’s chest, and threatens to rip his heart out if Stefan doesn’t spill the beans!
George: Wow, he’s the ORIGINATOR of the heart ripping-out manoeuver!
Come on, Stefan, TELL HIM!!!!! AHHHHH! THINK, STEFAN!!!! AND… AAAHHHHH!!!!!!! (OH SHIT!!!!+6 & 7 & 8) Stefan says he can lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls!! Whew! I need a Drink! You actually had me worried, CW.
Alaric is the balm that soothes our terrified hearts, as he… puts post-it notes on the ancient cave walls. Ahem. Armed with Rebekah’s flashbacks, Elena helps fill in the blanks, until they come to a final drawing, that’s obviously of the original witch and her ripped-out heart, but Elena has A REALIZATION!!!! She rushes over to the Salvatore’s to see Rebekah, and asks how Rebekah knows that Michael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, killed the original witch. It’s because Klaus told her. OH NOES. (Oh shit+9) Elena tells Rebekah that Klaus lied to her. KLAUS, the hybrid Drink! killed the original witch?!!! Because she cursed him and rejected him?
George: So it’s just like normal family drama, then?
Rebekah freaks out on Elena before having a sad Drink! because deep down she knows it’s true.
Damon is happy (and so are we all) that Stefan pulled free of Klaus’s compulsion to save his life, but Stefan just tells him that when Klaus is dead and he’s really free, he’s SO out of this town. Then he asks Damon WHY he keeps trying to ‘save’ him, and it’s because Stefan saved Damon first! It’s just like the cycle of family abuse, but with saving each other over and over, instead! But Stefan taunts Damon, and then Damon PUNCHES him! SALVATORE FISTICUFFS!! Drink! Stefan thinks this is funny. But you know what I think? I think they should rip their shirts off and do some more fisticuffs.
Rebekah is still having a sad Drink! and Elena comes home to find Damon waiting for her. He figures she’ll be really mad at him for getting Stefan out of the Mystic Falls drunk tank, and is awesome. Drink! They discuss Rebecca and family bonds, and man, they SO want to kiss! But Elena tells him that if Stefan does come back, it won’t be because he loves HER, it will be because he loves DAMON!!! AWWW!!! And the eye contact is SO meaningful!!! Drink!
Wow. I LOVED this episode! So much Alaric! Awesomeness from so many characters! YHH, if only in flashbacks! The Ohshitometer got up to 9! Thoughts? Squees? Rants? WHY haven’t Damon and Elena kissed already?!!! I know why, because they are going to kill us with the suspense of waiting, but make it REALLY meaningful… right? Also, WTH is Katherine?!!!!
