About:
Previously: Oscar & Jo were resurrected with the Phoenix Stone, Damon decided to stop using Elena as his security blanket, Enzo & Valerie team up to get rid of Julian before he can be resurrected too, and Caroline & Stefan finally get their swerve on.
What Went Down
“Everything’s coming up Salvatore!” Damon has Elena’s sleeping body safely tucked away and has vowed to turn over a new leaf; to be the man she would want him to be. BORING. Stefan and Caroline get in some spooning time (which Caroline clearly hates. Me too, girl. Me too.), and Alaric has his wife back!
…you didn’t really expect everything to turn out THIS well for our friends, did you? This is season SEVEN. By now we all know that happiness is fleeting in Mystic Falls. Oscar is still ravenous, Enzo is still just a babysitter in Lily’s eyes, Lily and her Heretic underlings leave to find Julian, and The Salvatore Brothers team up with Valerie (AWKWARD) to get there first. Damon keeps poking the angry bear that is his bristly, embittered younger brother, which makes for epic road trip banter. They find Julian’s body, but not before Mean Girls Mary Louise and Nora. Valerie pleads with Lily not to resurrect Julian, and when she refuses Valerie spills the beans about Kai actually learning the binding/sleeping spell he used on Elena from LILY. OH SNAP! Damon is PISSED. Old Damon is back, thank HEAVENS.
Alaric is trying to help his newly undead wife remember who she is, but homegirl doesn’t even know what take-out/delivery is SO…that’s quite the learning curve she’s got to hurdle. Damon and Stefan learn from Valerie that the Phoenix Stone is actually just chock full of vampire souls, and if you don’t use the correct resurrection spell ANY OLD VAMPIRE SOUL will go into their body. OOPS. Bonnie is given the Worst Job Ever of telling Alaric that Jo isn’t actually Jo, which I think he already sort of knew but was still denying. He offers his help and his hand to “Jo”, who is clearly a woman Out of Time in 2015. What a gem.
Valerie finally tells Stefan the truth about why she hates Julian. (THIS SCENE..!) Stefan realizes that the only chance he ever had at being a father was taken from him by Julian. I wouldn’t want to be Julian right now for all the whiskey in Ireland.
Lily chooses Julian over Enzo (shocker), and her Heretics bring Julian’s magically preserved vampire body back from the dead, presumably with his own soul since he recognizes Lily. Hugging ensues. Gag.
Damon and Bonnie plot as only BFFs can – over alcohol AND with aplomb. I’m not sure who I’m more scared for, Julian or Lily, but they’re equally terrible for different reasons so BRING IT ON.
Holy CRAP
- ENZO AND BONNIE IN THAT FLASH FORWARD COLD OPEN. I AM NOT YET RECOVERED.
- That Phoenix Stone reveal…! Our MacGuffin just got WAY more interesting.
- Lily colluding with Kai to hurt Damon like that – come on, lady. Look at your life, look at your choices.
Vamp of the Week: Damon Salvatore
Say what you will about him but Damon is a vamp who Gets Shit Done. He isn’t going to let a little thing like a vow to his dead/not-dead girlfriend get in the way of exacting revenge upon those who REALLY deserve it. Honestly, I don’t think even someone as self-righteous as Elena Gilbert could be mad at him for wanting to hurt Lily. She is THE. WORST. (How do you say no to Enzo? HOW?)
Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin
Hero Hair: I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have my spouse and unborn children murdered in front of me, then have her BACK only to find out that it’s not actually…her. Alaric’s hair is pretty heroic for not abandoning Jo/Not-Jo when he discovers that she’s a stranger living in his dead wife’s body. Well done, sir. Well done.
Nefarious Grin: LILY. You have GOT to get a grip, girlfriend! When your kid is telling you that your man is bad news, HE IS BAD NEWS. Valerie is TERRIFIED of Julian, and Lily is all “But I lurrrrve him, he’s my true lurrrrve!” Someone get this woman a spot on Iyanla: Fix My Life because she is protecting an abuser rather than her “children”. (Spelling Elena like that was pretty shitty too, girl. Like so many terrible parents you’ve deluded yourself into believing that you’re a great mother.) #nope
Sound Bites
“Why doesn’t anyone use maps anymore? What’s wrong with paper?” It’s ok, Valerie. My husband mocks me for keeping a road atlas in my car.
“I guess it isn’t a party ’til the mean girls show up.” Damon, we all know that YOU are the resident Queen Bee, boo.
“I want to break her heart. I want to break her spirit.” #hereforit
“Would I have wanted a child? Yes.” My heart has been laid to waste.
Burning Questions
- Now that we know Jo ISN’T Jo, are we still convinced that she’s the Hunter in the flash forwards? She’s got a vampire’s soul so that’s…puzzling. Hmm.
- Is the vampire’s soul currently shacking up in Jo’s body a new vampire, or a character from a past season?
- When are Bonnie and Enzo going to make with the sexy times? DON’T HOLD BACK, SHOW.
- How long til Caroline finds out that Stefan is keeping things from her? Dammit Stefan! You are WELL old enough to know better!
- Is Beau the Mute LITERALLY going to be nothing but an actual Magical Negro on this show, or will he get a backstory and character depth? (Come on, writers.)
- Pretty sure we’re going to get a reveal that Julian is Stefan’s actual father. Having your dad beat the tar out of your lady love AND cause her to miscarry is just…yikes.
All of these flash forwards are bringing up SO many questions! Now that we know Jo isn’t really Jo, who’s the mother of Alaric’s twins? Is it possible that Not-Jo is still pregnant? Why is Bonnie in a mental hospital? Come theorize with me in the comments!
About the Contributor:
Amanda Reid is an East Coast girl living in California who will never stop missing a true autumn. She’s a bookseller who specializes in kid and teen lit, and she bakes a damn fine pie.
