Cheers, TVDers! It’s been two long weeks since the last new episode, and George and I are ready for some more shirtless Salvatores! Who’s with us?
When we last left them, our Mystic Falls kids were being pursued by ancient vampires called ‘the originals’, new witches were in town, and Katherine was holed up in her cave cubby, safe and sound. What will ‘The Sacrifice’ bring us? Let’s find out!
Creepy sounds while Elena is sleeping, and someone is in the house! It’s Luca’s dad! Elena and a NAKED Alaric scare the bejezus out of each other! Drink!
Jenny: Hello, Alaric!
George: Hello, Alaric! Erm…
And meanwhile, Luca’s dad is stealing stuff like hair and photos from Elena’s room!
George: What a creep. And if you’re looking for stuff to do a paternity test, we already know Sark is Elena’s dad.
The Salvatore brothers are opening the cave, then they show up at Elena’s! Oh, now they’re back at the cave! That classifies as a teeny tiny flashback Drink! Katherine tells them that she’d give them the moonstone Drink! if they let her out.
George: I’ve heard that one before, Katherine.
They tell Elena that they have a plan to de-spell the moonstone Drink! but she doesn’t want to, because she’s scared of Klaus.
Jenny: Sounds like she’s been hanging around with Rose too much.
George: Notice Damon’s eyes when she included him in the list of people she cares about? Awww…
Then Bonnie is flirting with Luca, the witch-boy, and he wants to join their witch energies to increase her power.
George: Whoah, now! Jenny: Witch mind-sex! Aw man, it’s just like Tara and Willow.
JJ shows up, and we feel instantly bad for him. Bonnie is all smitten with Luca and doesn’t. Elena shows up at the Salvatores to find Rose and there’s an embarrassing moment.
George: …and Elena keeps walking in on people who’ve just had sex!
Then Elena convinces Rose to take her to talk to that vampire from the coffee shop, which we know is literally a dead-end.
Tyler is playing basketball and Matt shows up! Yay! Matt is sad he was compelled to pick a fight with Tyler, but he doesn’t know about the compelling part. Then Caroline shows up.
Jenny: Hi Caroline, I’ve missed you!
Caroline asks Tyler about his plans for the full moon, and he decides he’ll let her help him. Then Bonnie and JJ and the Salvatores are discussing how to get into the cave and get the moonstone without getting A) trapped in the cave themselves, or B) killed dead by Katherine. Damon is awesome. Drink!
George: Damon is a mean drunk in this scene!
Elena and Rose arrive at coffee shop dude’s house,
Jenny: She knew where he lived, yet they met in a coffee shop last time?
and Rose shows off just how terrible her accent is.
Jenny: Slate-uh!
Then they find him dead-dead. Elena starts going through dead coffee shop dude’s stuff, but then they hear something! And it’s Alice!
Jenny: Whoever that is.
Bonnie burns a picture of Katherine to make it into a weapon so they can get into the cave, and her nose starts bleeding again. Tyler shows Caroline into the old cellar where poor dead Uncle Benicio used to chain himself up.
Jenny: And we see that Tyler is kind of tiny. He’s barely taller than Caroline!
George: Now we just have to measure Caroline up to the others to see if she’s really tall or he’s tiny.
Caroline sees some old stuff wrapped up in a corner, and it’s a notebook!
George: Secret journal!
Tyler starts reading it, and it’s Uncle Benicio’s secret journal! And inside it is a computer chip, I think.
Back at the Salvatores, JJ is worried about Bonnie, and they have a moment. Then JJ steals some of the ash-weapon. Then, back with Elena and Rose, we find out more about this Alice person.
Jenny: Fang-banger! She just wants to become a child of the night!
Elena bribes Alice to get into the dead guy’s computer files, and
George: (laughs heartily at Twilight reference)
then she sends a message to someone who will get a message to Klaus that she’s ready to surrender! OMG! Elena is going to sacrifice herself to save her family!
Jeremy shows up at the cave, and Katherine taunts him about the moonstone Drink! and he totally goes badass!!! He uses a stake-gun to stake her with a stake and then tosses the ash-weapon at her! But oh no! She’s hidden the moonstone, and he has to go find it! Then Katherine wakes up and eats him!!! OMG! But then he tosses the moonstone out of the cave! Then Stefan and Damon and Bonnie show up at the cave, but then Rose calls Damon and he leaves, and then Stefan and Bonnie see the moonstone just lying there, and Katherine, all fresh and fed, tells them that she’s going to keep JJ as her pet (and keep killing him over and over and letting his ring of invincibility revive him) until they let her out!
Then Young Harry Hamlin is hanging out with Luca’s dad, and they do a spell so he can find Elena, and then Elena sees him in the window! Bonnie starts to try to open the cave, using the dog tags that Luca left with her to increase her power. Luca feels it, but doesn’t tell his dad, at first.
Tyler and Caroline watch Uncle Benicio’s computer chip, and it’s of his first transformation! And it’s hours long, and it looks so painful! And he’s shirtless! Drink!
Jenny: I know I’m supposed to feel really bad for Tyler right now, but I’m just really missing Uncle Benicio.
Damon shows up and has, like a gazillion moments with Elena, trying to make her leave. Drink! Then Bonnie is using too much magic, and both Luca and herself get nose bleeds and faint! Then she wakes up, and is really sad that she couldn’t break the curse. To torture her some more, Katherine grabs JJ to hurt him some more, and OMG!!!!! Stefan runs in and pushes JJ out of the cave, and NOW STEFAN IS STUCK IN THE CAVE WITH KATHERINE!!!!! Driiiiiiiiiiink!
Jenny: This is the best thing that has ever happened, ever!!!!
Caroline tells Tyler that they shouldn’t watch any more of Uncle Benicio’s computer chip. She tries to encourage him. Tyler’s mad, and questioning why Caroline is helping him, and Caroline says he just seemed like he needed it. Then Matt comes over! They smile and are cute, but then Tyler comes out and spoils the moment.
Then some dudes show up to take Elena to Klaus, but Damon’s not gonna have it. Then Young Harry Hamlin kills a guy in the back and appears awesome-like out from behind him! Rose runs away. Then Young Harry Hamlin rips the hearts out of those guys!!!! Then he disappears!
Now Young Harry Hamlin is back at Luca’s dad’s house! He didn’t kill Elena and Damon! He says Elena just needs to be kept safe, for now, so the best thing is for her to be with the Salvatores. Bonnie brings JJ home, and they fight a little bit, and he stands up for how he feels about her, but Bonnie cries and says she can’t, and leaves.
Damon and Elena get home, and JJ opens the door.
Jenny: Sucks to be him tonight.
They run to the cave, but Damon won’t let Elena go in and get killed by Katherine. They have some more moments. And Damon is awesome. Drink! Then Stefan tells Damon to work with Bonnie to de-spell the moonstone Drink!, but most of all, to take care of Elena.
George: So Stefan is in the tomb with Katherine, and Damon is out there with Elena…looks like everybody wins!
Then Katherine tells Stefan that that was the biggest mistake he’s ever made.
Jenny: Oh, snap!
Then we see the preview for next week’s episode:
George: WHAAAATTTT??!!!
Jenny: Oh shit!
Okay, y’all, let’s talk. What does all this mean? Let’s find some way to spend our time waiting for the unveiling of Stefan’s shirtlessness next week’s episode.
