Previously on The Vampire Diaries - A con artist pretended to be long-lost grand-niece, Sarah Salvatore, but Stefan was on to her, since he knows Sarah is studying art at Duke. Enzo killed the con artist, as he does. Caroline got the news that her mother has an inoperable brain tumor that can’t be cured by vampire blood. The Gemini coven have weird, twin merging/absorbing rituals. Kai sucked up all the magic from the Traveler’s spell. Elena went to see Damon, only to be hidden by Kai’s cloaking spell and kidnapped.
Whew! It’d be nice if just for once, something exciting would happen on this show. This week, I’ll be filling in for Amanda, who broke her leg in a brutal bar fight. Those Delena/Stelena disagreements can really get out of hand, am I right? Feel better soon, Amanda!
This week’s episode is directed by Paul Wesley. And it turns out he can also play more than just a vampire! Check him (and Martin Starr!) out in one of FYA's favorite movies of 2015, Amira & Sam. See it on VOD and in theaters on January 30th.
Let’s talk show!
- Elena wakes up, tied to a chair, at the Mystic Grill, less than thrilled to find that she appears to be on a date with Kai. He blathers on about his childhood, his murderous tendencies, and magic sucking escapades. He informs her that he’s going to be “practicing” on her, to get his magic under control. This is why we don’t answer Missed Connections ads, ladies.
- Stefan (who sleeps fully clothed - lame) wakes up to a half-naked Jeremy Gilbert in his kitchen, and witches destroying his living room, where Liv is trying to train Jo for the next celestial event/Kai merge. Alaric arrives with mimosa fixin’s, because he’s the best. “You actually think I’d watch this sober?” Ha, like anybody does anything sober in this town.
- Damon wakes up on a chair in Liz’s hospital room, which is actually kind of sweet. He updates her on Elena being MIA, and his living room being turned into Hogwarts. Liz tells Caroline again that she doesn’t want vampire blood, which Damon doesn’t think would work anyway. Caroline takes Liz home, where Stefan has been moving her entertainment center around, and hooking up surround sound. Vampires: they’re just like us. They make their dude friends deal with the electronics. Then they promptly abandon Liz, to drive to North Carolina, where Caroline is getting a second medical opinion, and Stefan is checking on a “friend”. Caroline calls him on the fact that he doesn't have any friends who aren't her or Elena.
- Elena wakes up again, this time chained up in Mystic Falls High School. Talk about torture. Kai proceeds to attempt creepy magic on her again, and ends up melting her daylight ring. She gets away from him long enough to place a quick call to Damon, before Kai knocks her out again.
This guy had NO friends in high school. You can just tell.
- In North Carolina, Caroline and Stefan split up so she can head to an oncology consult, and he can take in the student art show, where an extremely poised Sarah “Nelson” explains her photography, while Stefan looks on proudly. Until Enzo arrives to ruin everything.
- Caroline gets bad news from the cancer expert on her mom’s chances. She compels the doctor to show her the other patient with the same condition. Of course, Caroline goes to feed him some of her blood.
- Elena wakes up, tied up again. That’s getting really predictable. Kai digs the way she tried to set him on fire, calling her crazypants. You do know about the pot and the kettle, right Kai? Damon and Liv show up in the parking lot to rescue Elena, but stupid Luke interrupts before she can finish the cloaking spell. Damon calls Ric and Jo for help, and Jeremy insists on coming too. This is some serious B-Team, right here.
- Luke tells Liv they’ve been summoned home to their crazy ass coven. She admits that she knows he’s the stronger one and that if they merged, she’d die. Eff this merging thing, guys. Get a new religion, new family, hell, new identities. This is serious B.S. Tyler comes over to basically tell them the same thing. But Liv doesn’t think there’s anywhere she could run where the coven wouldn’t find her. Luke changes his mind about heading home, since he’s not willing to do what he’s told, if it means killing his sister. Thank you for finally getting a clue, Luke.
- Matt calls in the Sheriff when he arrives at the Grill to find his manager has been fried to a crisp, courtesy of Kai. Matt is bummed that Mystic Falls has had magic back for less than 24 hours, and folks are showing up dead already. Liz nearly collapses and Matt looks more panicky than ever.
- Enzo demands to know why Stefan is hiding Sarah away, and Stefan admits that he made sure Damon didn’t know she survived, after he killed her mother, but he doesn’t care if Enzo tells him. Since then Enzo wouldn’t have anything to hold over Stefan. I am super tired of Enzo’s bizarre obsession with making Stefan miserable. It’s unearned, and it’s made a previously interesting character really boring.
The villain hair, and the hero hair.
- A cloaked Jo and Damon get Elena untied, and invisible, and headed for the tunnels under the school, since Elena is out one daylight ring. But Jo can’t maintain the spell, and Kai spots them. Damon makes the weakened Jo leave, so he can kick Kai’s ass, but Kai ends up torturing the hell out of them, and Jeremey and Ric come in to save the day. Woo, Team Human!
- Caroline summons Stefan to the hospital to show him the dude who was previously dying of cancer, is now bopping around the hallway, and raiding the vending machine. Stefan wants to know, “Why haven’t I ever heard of vampire blood curing cancer?” “Because vampires don’t spend their lives pulling charity shifts at the sick ward.” Good point, Caroline. She wants him to take her back home, so she can heal her mom.
- Enzo provides a ton of exposition to a random stranger, about all the reasons he has for seeking revenge on Stefan. She probably has to stifle a yawn, like the audience. His revenge scheme is now focused on Sarah, as he seems to have bought all of her artwork.
- After Damon pulls a stake out of Elena, and she declares herself to have never felt more alive, she asks him for that date they were supposed to have, provided she doesn’t get kidnapped again. They’re awfully cutesy for people who are constantly in mortal danger. Not to be a downer, but WHERE’S YOUR BFF, BONNIE?
- Damon warns Ric that he doesn’t think Jo is strong enough to take on supercharged Kai, but Ric thinks she just needs some practice. Oh, you sweet, drunken, summer child.
Sure, Ric. Let's just pretend you don't have THE WORST luck with women.
- Stefan confides in Caroline about the Sarah secret, and she thanks him for coming with her to Duke. He grabs her hand, and just holds it, smiling at her while she’s talking, and I die of the Steroline swoon. Seriously, I’M DEAD NOW.
- Caroline tells her mom all of the million reasons that she needs her to live, and that her blood can heal, and Liz agrees to drink it. This is juxtaposed with scenes of the guy that Caroline “healed” earlier, dying a gruesome death in the hospital, because like Stefan predicted, it was just too easy. NOOO. Poor Forbes ladies.
“Damon may be a vile creature, but he has the best clothes.” Raise your hand if you were hoping Liv just steals ALL of Damon’s clothes?
I am super concerned that Kai learned all his relationship lessons from the Ricki Lake Show.
“Let me guess, Jeremy is holding a cross-bow.” No judgment, Damon. Odds are, you’re holding a whisky glass.
“Magic Camp. May we help you?” Damon would make a terrible headmaster.
What are Enzo’s potentially boring plans for Sarah Salvatore?
Next week: They figure out that Caroline’s blood killed cancer guy, and will probably kill Liz. Elena doesn’t want to waste another minute not jumping Damon’s bones.