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YOU GUYS! I just saw Beastly and invented a drinking game and then followed the drinking game and now I’m druuuuunk. So. Just so you know.
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Let’s talk about last night’s Pretty Little Liars!
Every week I forget to say this, but I love the little preview where the girls are wearing jewel tones and their hair is blowing. They all look so pretty! And I think maybe that I’m in the middle of a Marie Claire fashion shoot or something!
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: Kat from 10 Things can’t come out of the closet, and Em can’t date her until she does; Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe are making out and Aria knows; Caleb is staying over at Hanna’s and Prozzie Mom knows; Aria and Fitz are Adults Who Make Love; Caleb and Hanna DID IT; Jenna talks about the number 214; Toby put his tongue in Spencer’s mouth; Prozzie Mom invites Caleb to stay over, which of course prompts him to call A Mysterious Person (who is obviously Jenna) and tell her that he wants out of their deal; and Spencer’s parents and the cops think Spencer has done something bad.
Show. Spencer’s house. She’s wearing a sweater with elbow patches and bitching to Emily about algebra. Elbow Patches! Spencer! YOU ARE SIXTEEN! You know who wore elbow patches? This guy I dated in college who liked to think he was a Ye Olde Distinguished Gentleman. Are you a Distinguished Gentleman? Do you, perhaps, teach at the local university and have wire-rimmed glasses? Were you educated at Oxford or Cambridge in the 1950s? Are you, in fact, Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? No? THEN STOP WEARING ELBOW PATCHES.
Anyway, Spencer’s mom’s in a tizzy, cause the cops are there! They have a search warrant! They’re boxing up Spencer’s stuff! Man. I have to move in a few months; maybe I can be suspected of a crime and the cops can come box up my stuff for me. Convenient!
Ian looks on to this entire debacle with both glee and milk. Ian, I knew Alex from A Clockwork Orange. I was friends with Alex from A Clockwork Orange. You, sir, are no Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Can it with the milk mustache and ultraviolence.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
There is a preview for Red Riding Hood. Is it weird that I . . . really want to see it? That’s weird, right? I mean, there is literally NO REASON except for my undying love for Lilly Kane that this movie should appeal to me, but I really want to see it. It looks so pretty!
Show! It’s Aria’s House of Woodland Delight! Aria is wearing an outfit I can only describe as a failed macrame experiment from her brownie troop, circa 1984. And, yeah, I know that Aria wasn’t even alive in 1984 (unrelated note to self: start stocking up on Centrum Silver), but that top is so bad that it’s EIGHTIES bad. In fact, like, that top maybe existed in another space and time but the 1980s were all, “NO. Girl. No. That top’s gonna have to come with us because there’s a girl who needs to wear it over her Fraggle Rock tshirt.” And then the 2010s were all, “But we could just buy a Fraggle Rock tshirt from Hot Topic!” and then the 80s were all “STOP STEALING MY CHILDHOOD YOU COWS!!!!”
The idea that this top probably costs 100 dollars makes me want to vomit in my macrame sweater.
Anyway, there’s this whole thing in which Actor/Director Chad Lowe claims that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is going to come over for coffee, but the fact that there are two half-empty coffee cups on the table and the odor of sex in the air leads Aria to very grossly discuss her parents’ sex affair. This is something that tv does where they think it’s cute when a kid discusses his or her parent/s’ sex life, even though that is NEVER CUTE and is in fact OFTEN EMBARASSING. Parents can talk to you about your sex lives, children, but you cannot talk to your parents about theirs. That is the rule. That is the rule forever. It is an unbreakable vow. Just like Snape will kill Dumbledore for Malfoy, you are not allowed to posit on the goings-on of your mom and dad’s genitalia.
(This, however, randomly reminds me that a few weeks ago, my daughter – who is SEVEN – said the following at a family dinner with my parents and brother: “Mom, you know those pills you take so that a baby doesn’t grow inside of you? Can I take those pills too? Cause I don’t like babies and I don’t want one.” People who wish to someday have children: THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO.)
Anyway, Aria’s brother whose name I can never remember comes down to the kitchen and soon the whole family is grinning and thinking about parental sex and Aria suggests that she and the Brother make Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride and Actor/Director Chad Lowe dinner, presumably so that the elders can get their dusty genitalia in shape while the casserole is cooking.
Hanna’s house. She’s on the phone with Spencer while Caleb cooks breakfast. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Cooking a full-on breakfast (well, there’s at least eggs and toast, which is more food than I usually have for breakfast) before school? You know what I ate for breakfast when I was in high school? Mountain Dew and Cheese-Its. Both purchased at the gas station down the street from my school, usually about 1.5 minutes before the late bell rang.
I scoff at your healthy breakfast. Scoff!
Hanna explains about the search warrant, and then they make out over eggs. Prozzie Mom comes in and tells Caleb that the second floor is free for his shower. Um, the whole FLOOR has to be free? Okay. Prozzie Mom expresses interest in the fact that Hanna is having so much fatty protein and carby deliciousness for breakfast, and then tells Hanna not to let Caleb make her late for school. But what she means is, “don’t let that kid make you fat again!” Prozzie Mom leaves, but leaves the milk out. People are always leaving the milk out on tv shows. I’m not sure why, since warm milk is SATAN’S BEVERAGE.
Hanna finds a jeweled owl brooch in Caleb’s bag and, of course, assumes it’s for her. Because she is 50 and therefore wears jeweled owl brooches.
At school, everyone is looking at the photo Hanna has taken of the brooch! I hate typing the word “brooch” because it looks wrong but isn’t. Anyway, Hanna thinks that the brooch is symbolic of the night in which her hymen was ruptured and she felt gravely disappointed that she waited so long “for this,” only she says it more romantically than that.
The only thing a boy gave me after The First Time was a reason to take a chlamydia test.
Across the room, Kat from 10 Things is flirting with Sean the PK. I actually applaud this choice. If you are trying to stay in the closet, there is NO ONE better to date in high school than the Preacher’s kid. Partly because your parents will think, “Oh, what a nice boy/girl” and never worry enough to question you about your sexuality and partly because that preacher’s kid will take you to orgies where you can experience the carnal delights of a chorus of circus clowns, or whatever else crazy-ass shit PKs are into these days. Donkey shows and The Human Centipede; I don’t know, it’s been a while since I was a church youth.
Spencer arrives wearing a hat she stole from her chauffeur and a shirt that Baby wore in Dirty Dancing. The cops took a lot of stuff! But not her laptop, because it wasn’t in the warrant! But she’s worried that the cops may try this trick on the other girls next. Aria looks concerned, as if the cops may misconstrue the giant cardboard cutout of Fitz which she has erected (heh) in her closet. All the girls walk Spencer out, and Aria spends a few minutes sending the World’s Treacliest Message to her 26-year-old boyfriend. “Thinking of your eyes. How I want to be looking into them right now. This second. XO. Aria.” First of all: gross. Second of all: actually, I’ve changed my mind. It’s NOT treacly; it’s SCARY. “I want to be looking into your eyes. Right now. This second. AS I STAB YOU REPEATEDLY.” I mean, it’s a little stalkerish, is all I’m saying. Third of all(?), Aria, you STUPID GIRL, please don’t sign your name to a text that you are sending to THE PERSON WITH WHOM YOU ARE HAVING AN ILLEGAL AFFAIR. Ugh.
The text, of course, goes to Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, phone. Not Fitz’s.
In the hallway, Emily and Sean the PK are having an uncomfortable conversation about how much Sean wants to give Kat from 10 Things a facial. Emily tells him that she doesn’t know Kat from 10 Things that well, but that Hanna wants Sean to be happy.
In Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride’s, Classroom of Extended Substitute Teaching (seriously! How long has she been subbing? Did the original teacher develop a sudden debilitating chalk allergy?), she is quizzing Aria on how long she’s known about the Parental Sexing. Then she shows Aria the cell phone, and wants to know who the boy is. Sorry, let me do that in Mom voice. “So, Aria, whoooooo’s the booooooy?” Aria refuses to say who the boy is. Oh, Aria, you stupid girl. Misdirection! MISDIRECTION! Now she’s going to suspect something!
Jesus. It’s sad when a 30 year old has to teach these idiots how to be proper teenagers.
Commercials. PLL is sponsored by Victoria’s Secret. Really?
Show. At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, she’s busy ridding her room of anything Fitz-related. But she gets sentimental about ONE BOOK that he gave her (inscribed) and keeps it in her bedroom. ARIA YOU IDIOT.
At Spencer’s, she is going through emails on her laptop and deleting any from the girls. Spencer clearly needs to watch Law and Order: SVU. They can always get back the emails you deleted, Spencer!! Unless that would advance the plot too much and they need to fill 10 more minutes of evidence-gathering! In which case you were a super-smart tech genius child molester who out-witted That One Guy Who Works In Computer Crimes.
Toby shows up at Spencer’s, peering through windows, as is his wont. She lets him in and is awfully glad to see him. He has come to tell her that she’s being watched by the cops. Toby thinks it’s crazy that anyone could think that Spencer hurt Alison! And he wants Spencer to take coffee to the cops, as a ballsy, “I’m not afraid of you” move. Spencer thinks maybe that she’s bad news for Toby. Toby thinks they’re kind of perfect for each other, considering everyone in Rosewood hates them.
Just two regular folks, hangin’ out, under suspicion from the cops.
Toby looks good with his haircut. Well, better. Toby looks better with his haircut.
School! Emily sees Kat from 10 Things and asks her about the whole Sean the PK thing. Kat from 10 Things is all about dating Sean! Poor Emily’s heart is breaking.
On the One Non-discriminate Street In Rosewood, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe pedeconference about Aria’s love life. Actor/Director Chad Lowe wants to know what’s going on in Aria’s life!
At school, Aria is dumping all her Fitz stuff on poor Emily. Aria has saved a plastic spoon. And a dart. And some chopsticks. Now, this? This is actually a teen thing to do.
Aria and Emily overhear Caleb on the phone, arguing with someone. He wants out! Don’t say those mean things about her! Why? Because he’s living in “her” house! Ruh roh. I wonder who that could be. Or, I would wonder, if ABC Family hadn’t spoiled this entire episode already.
The girls tell Hanna about Caleb. Caleb wouldn’t do that, Hanna protests! He put his penis inside various parts of her body! Oh, Hanna. Bless you, little girl.
Then Jenna comes in to be her typical Jenna self. And she’s WEARING THE OWL. Which is, incidentally, a necklace, not a brooch. Hanna is angry. I’m angry; mostly because I had to type the word “brooch” so many times.
OOH THERE IS A PREVIEW FOR RED RIDING HOOD! It looks so bad. So pretty! But so bad! This guy, in this movie. This guy . . . is not good. Oh, wait! OH MY GOD! It’s Rickie from Deadgirl! SHIT! Now I have to watch this movie and hope it doesn’t FUCK UP MY MIND like Deadgirl did. Guys, I had nightmares of zombie rape for weeks after that movie.
Show. Hanna’s bummed. Caleb isn’t picking up the phone.
Emily goes into the bathroom and overhears Kat from 10 Things and A Random Extra talking about Sean. Oh, Emily.
Meanwhile, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, observes Aria texting someone.
Mean-meanwhile, Jenna is typing on her laptop and Spencer sees her take off the owl pendant . . . and reveal it to be a USB drive! Jenna, I’m sure, did that on purpose.
The girls convene. Everyone but Hanna thinks that Caleb has been feeding info to Jenna and that the two of them are A. Hanna is, of course, crushed.
Hanna leaves Caleb a note to call her and then tries to hack into his locker. Guess what the combo is?! 214! That seems like a strange combo.
Hanna’s house! Well, this is a jump in the plot! Hanna has confronted Caleb! He’s telling the “truth.” I guess. Jenna paid him to spy on Hanna, but Caleb only fed her misinformation. Hanna’s still pretty pissed, so Caleb leaves. Good. Dude. YOU SLEPT WITH HER. I don’t care if your intentions were noble or not; you don’t sleep with people that you are being paid to spy on. Unless, I mean, you’re a PROFESSIONAL spy, like Nikita, or something. In which case, sleeping with someone you’re spying on is probably par for the course.
At Spencer’s house, she and Toby are chilling out by the fire while listening to the Cat Power cover of “Sea of Love”. Cat Power. What has she been doing lately? This isn’t a dig on Cat Power; this is a legitimate lack of current music knowledge on my part. I realized SXSW was next week and nearly vomited when I realized I haven’t listened to anything recorded by a current artist in like the last three months. My Pandora station right now is Show Tunes. SHOW TUNES. I don’t know what has happened to me. It’s like, the second a girl stops sleeping with musicians, she loses all her music cred.
Just kidding, Mom; I didn’t sleep with musicians. I’ve never slept with anybody! No sex here, la la la la! Why don’t you go slip on some pyjama jeans and I’ll come over and we can talk about that nice boy who works at the grocery store in town.
Two people who have never slept any unwashed musicians.
Moving swiftly on. Spencer wants to know what it’s like to run away. She tried it once when she was seven. I just realized that both Toby and Spencer have swell clefts in their chins, like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. If they mated, they’d have a baby with Jay Leno’s chin. Anyway, when Spencer ran away, she packed a tuna fish sandwich, which shows how bad at running away she really is, since that’s a sandwich that really needs to be refrigerated. Spencer’s parents never even knew she was gone.
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, Actor/Director Chad Lowe is snooping in Aria’s room. He nearly finds The Book, but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, comes in to tell him that it’s really his fault that Aria wants to be private, cause of his affair. Actor/Director Chad Lowe is all, “I thought we were past that whole tiny problem in which I had an affair with my student!” Typical. Aria’s brother whose name I do not care to remember witnesses his parents fighting and cries a single, solitary tear.
At school, Em and Aria are discussing Hanna, Caleb and Jenna. Aria thinks that Hanna was a convenient target – the only single one. I’ve heard you can actually go hunting for singles on Boxing Day.
At Spencer’s house, her mom is trying to explain why the cops suspect her. They think that Spencer was jealous of Ian and Alison! Um, has NO ONE asked Ian why he was making out with sixteen year old girls? No? Okay, just wondering.
School. Hanna, Em and Aria are bathroom conferencing. Jenna comes in and Hanna smacks Jenna’s glasses off. Boy. I didn’t see that coming the fifteen times it aired on the previews! Hanna, to her credit, then picks up Jenna’s glasses and hands them back to her. Jenna actually cries.
Commercials. Hey! Greek is ending! Sorry, Greek fans!
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delight, Aria’s brother whose name I don’t care to recall is mad at Aria for being the reason that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, and Actor/Director Chad Lowe are fighting. They go downstairs to rally the parents, but Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, has cancelled on dinner. Which is kind of shitty, considering her kids cooked for her. Here is something that I, Erin from FYA, PROMISE YOU: I will never cancel on you if you cook for me. Not ever.
At Emily’s, she gets a text from Kat from 10 Things asking if she’s busy.
At Spencer’s, Ian is creepily drinking scotch while being creepy towards Spencer. He wants to help Spencer run away. Spencer is all, “Yeah, that’ll be convenient FOR YOU.” But he mildly threatens Spence some more.
At Em’s, Kat from 10 Things has arrived, post-Sean date. She is desperately trying to pretend she likes cock. Ain’t happening, Kat from 10 Things! Emily is all, “You should be honest with Sean.” Easy for Em to say! She’s fearless! Ladies, please get to the kissing. My battery is dying and I need you guys to skip the emotional shizz and start making out.
Oh. Hell. That maybe sounded different than I meant it. My LAPTOP battery is dying. I’ve got 14 minutes left! I’m actually fine with the emotional shi – oh, they’re kissing now. Awesome!
Hanna’s. She’s crying in the bathtub. Oh, Hanna. Been there, girl. Also, I super-hope you procured some Plan B, baby girl. Prozzie Mom can hear Hanna crying, but Hanna won’t let her in. Go kill Caleb, Prozzie Mom!
Please get some Plan B while it’s still available, pumpkin.
Spencer’s. She’s sleeping, but her mom comes in and wakes her. Spencer’s mom thinks the search warrant will be thrown out. Which is good, since they found some fibers from Spencer’s name-bracelet. The threads match Toby’s sweater that Alison was wearing the night she died! Spencer’s mom thinks she’s being framed!
Credits. Our Gloved Hand of Mystery is taking out a little glass heart that has “Hanna” written on it, and breaking it with a hammer. Then s/he boxes it up with some super glue and a note – “Dear Hanna, Try putting it back together. Kisses! -A” Oh, A. Too corny, even for you. Also, this reminds me of the time that my college roommate broke up with her boyfriend and he flipped out and started calling her like 14 times in the span of twenty minutes. And he left her this voicemail that said, “What the hell, {roommate’s name}? Why won’t you call me back? I’d expect this kind of behavior from ERIN, but not from you.” Which was awesome, because, what? Although I guess I am usually very bad about calling people back. But ANYWAY, then what happened is he PUNCHED A FRAMED PHOTO OF THEM and then MAILED HER THE BLOODY GLASS FROM THE FRAME. And this, gentlemen of the world? This is why women are rightly both horrified and afraid of many of you. Happy International Women’s Day!
ANYWAY. On that note, we’ll see you next week! There are only a few episodes left! Got theories? Leave ’em in the comments!
