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Oh my gosh, you guys, this week has been CRAY. It’s spring break, 60% of FYAers are getting intoxicated at ten am off free beer devoting themselves seriously to the pursuit of music, and plus our website is still being, how do you say, temperamental. Sorry about that!
Especially since HOLEE SHIZZBALLS, Pretty Little Liars decided it wanted to give me nightmares this week! WHAT THE HECK WITH ALL THE MASKS, SHOW? I thought we had a deal!!
But whatever! It’s St Patrick’s Day! So after you’ve stumbled around drunk for a while, come see what those pretty little liars have been up to . . .
Previously on Pretty Little Liars: EVERYTHING HAPPENED! But, specifically, the cops boxed up Spencer’s stuff, that Baby!Cop Garrett is a Baby!Cop, Toby and Spencer are sittin’ in a tree, Emily and Kat from 10 Things are spending Seven Minutes in Heaven, in that they are both making out and one of them’s in the closet, Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is hot on the tail of Aria’s . . . tail, Hanna kicked Caleb out for being a damn dirty spy, Spencer’s mom thinks Spencer is being framed!
Show. At The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, the girls are discussing the goings on of the last episode, while someone suspiciously carts around a FUCKING FREAKY AS HELL mannequin with a clown face. Spencer is all, “Um, guys? There are creepy mannequins lined up outside?” But the girls are still too busy talking about A and Caleb and shizz to notice. Hanna agrees to talk to Caleb to see what he told Jenna. Meanwhile, outside, amongst the mannequins, Garrett the Baby!Cop breathes heavily. Probably from exertion, but possibly because he’s busy wanking off.
Credits. Necromancy. Family show!
At Spencer’s house, Melissa is mainlining prenatal vitamins while bitching about Spencer to her mom. Then Spencer comes down, so Spencer’s mom quickly changes the subject to the Founder’s Festival and staying away from Toby. “Be nice to the people,” Spencer’s mom urges her. “So when you go to trial, they won’t find you guilty!”
Also, don’t wear that sweater, in case anyone in the jury happens to be not blind.
At Hanna’s, she’s releasing CFCs into the air by staring into the open fridge. Do fridges still release CFCs? I really am not current on the whole Mother Earth thing these days. Prozzie Mom wants to talk to Hanna about Caleb, but Hanna’s too bummed to talk about it. Or even to eat carbs. Then Mona appears, dressed like a flight attendant. She’s incensed that Caleb was such an ass. Incensed!
At school, said ass has approached Aria, trying to get her to talk to Hanna for him. Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, passes them in the hall and then, in a moment that got a genuine laugh out of me, mouths to Aria (behind Caleb’s back): “Is that him? He’s cuuuuuute.” Aria wants to die.
Meanwhile, Emily and Kat from 10 Things are making plans for some sort of date. Except that some dude has to come along as well, just so Kat from 10 Things‘ dad doesn’t catch wind of how much she loves Emily’s lady lumps. Em really wants Kat from 10 Things to come out, and Kat from 10 Things really wants to as well – so they decide to go talk to someone at another school who, I guess, designs “So your kid is gay!” greetings from someecards.com. Or something. I don’t know; these two are so adorable but at the same time I’m always really distracted by Kat from 10 Things‘ haircut, and how I have the same haircut (I’m trying to grow my hair out), and how it doesn’t look good on either of us, and if this means that maybe I should be Googling “how to come out to parents” in my spare time. (Though, being old-fashioned, I was always a fan of the Steel Magnolias approach: “Mom, Dad, I have terrible news. I’ve got a brain tumor and only six months to live. Just kidding, folks! I’m only gay!”)
In the hallways, Aria and Fitz are having one of their Inappropriate Secret Relationship Meetups in front of everyone. Aria is actually wearing a cute jacket, for once. It doesn’t look like she knitted it from a hobo’s hair or anything! Aria then spills something on Fitz, under the pretense of asking him out to dinner. So that they can have A Talk. Uh oh.
Caleb’s studying in the quad when Hanna approaches. She wants to know what Jenna wanted. Jenna wanted a key, and thought that Alison had given said key to one of the Phab Phour prior to her death. Then Caleb’s all, “I miss you!” Hanna doesn’t fall for it.
Aria has shown up at Fitz’s apartment, letting herself in with a hidden key. Then she gets on his computer to order some food for delivery, and instead finds Fitz’s open MyFaceSpace profile – with a photo of him and a girl named Jackie, who has an ENGAGEMENT RING on. Well, take heart, Aria. Maybe it’s a fake engagement ring. I bought a fake wedding ring recently, because I’m about to go to an UNDISCLOSED COUNTRY which frowns upon any sort of premarital activity between a boy and a girl, including holding hands. So, I thought, hey! A ten dollar ring that looks like a wedding band from 5 feet away may keep me from being lashed if I accidentally grab my boyfriend’s hand and/or crotch while walking down the street. So maybe it’s the same thing, Aria! Probably not, though, kiddo.
At Emily’s, the girls are all assembled, discussing The Mysterious Key. Aria’s freaking out about the whole Jackie Wedding Ring thing. Emily is all, “Talk to him! be honest!” Hanna’s all, “Whatever! Make a fake profile and set him up for a sting!” This is why I adore Hanna, but want Emily to be my Spiritual Guide.
Outside, Toby’s fixing his motorcycle when Spencer comes over to talk. But they can’t talk for long, since both the cops and Jenna are lurking around. Spencer and Toby make plans to meet at the Founder’s Festival later that evening. I’m not sure they can make it all the way from Pennsylvania to Virginia by seven. Also, you generally want to avoid any Founder events. Too many vampires.
Toby got the Bieb’s haircut. ABC Family has a picture of Toby that looks like this every week. I think they’re trying to make Toby happen.
Baby!Cop Garrett, meanwhile, who is lurking at Spencer’s house, tells Spencer that he’s just doing his job.
At The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Emily has shown up, looking for Kat from 10 Things and, presumably, the Pride lady. The Pride lady is a hot blonde. Ruh roh.
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delights, she and Hanna are cyber-snooping on Fitz. Aria feels all conflicted, but I’m kinda with Hanna on this one. I don’t normally advocate snooping, but if you have evidence, well . . .
Also, Aria is wearing one of her ridiculous feather earrings. This is another thing that ABC Family is trying to make happen, but I wish they wouldn’t.
At The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Emily and the Pride Girl are still waiting on Kat from 10 Things, who has totally stood them up. The Pride Girl (she said her name in the earlier scene but I’m too lazy to go back and replay it to figure out what it is) tells Em she’ll have a booth at the Founder’s Festival and that Em should stop by.
Speaking of! Spencer and Melissa are schmoozing Mrs Acker (or something, everyone fucking mumbles on this show), who’s in charge of the Founder’s Festival, the theme for which is “The Bell That Needs a Ball.” I guess that means a tower bell is broken and in need of repairing. I bet Doc Brown could help. Ian approaches in order to hose down the entire scene with his greasy sleaziness. Mrs Acker puts her foot in her mouth about Spencer’s recent legal troubles, but then changes the subject by asking Ian about golf. Spencer pipes up that Ian knows all about Hilton Head. If looks could kill, Ian’s would have just felled Spencer. Which is good, because Spencer is standing next to bakery racks full of cupcakes, and I’ll find her easier to get around if she’s dead. CUPCAKES! Melissa tries to pretend that she has been in Hilton Head, too, but flubs by saying that the golf course is near the beach. Spencer’s all, “I KNEW IT!” Ian threatens her subtly, as per uhz.
New drinking game rule: Drink anytime Ian mildly threatens Spencer.
Founder’s Festival! Emily is at What’s Her Name’s jewelry booth. They are heavy-flirting. Kat from 10 Things shows up, and Emily introduces her to Samara. (Thanks, PLL writers, for helping a lazy girl out.) Kat from 10 Things does not like the way this looks.
Ladies, let’s not limit ourselves here. Threesome!
At Hanna’s house, Caleb has come to return a screwdriver. Prozzie Mom is concerned about Hanna, who has apparently been spending time listening to Elliot Smith and cutting herself. Well, the cutting herself part is implied, due to the Elliot Smith part. Caleb tries to leave Hanna a goodbye note, but Prozzie Mom is all, “Go give it to her yourself.”
If Caleb sticks around, those two should hook up. That’s how they do it in The O.C., bitch!
At the Founder’s Festival, Kat from 10 Things is clearly upset about Samara, who then approaches. She’s pretty rude to Samara, and then Emily leaves, saying she doesn’t want to be Kat from 10 Things‘ secret.
At Aria’s House of Woodland Delight, her subterfuge has worked, and Jackie has accepted her friend request. But then Aria removes Jackie in a noble attempt not to snoop. Which is kind of rude. Subterfuge or no, poor Jackie now has to wonder why someone would request her friendship and then end up rejecting her! You’re going to give Jackie commitment issues, Aria! Well, that may actually be what you want. In which case, carry on.
At the Founder’s Festival, Hanna is wearing the ugliest sweater I have ever seen. Sorry, but it had to be said. It’s beyond fugly. It’s in another dimension. That sweater could be its own seed in Go Fug Yourself’s March Madness. Anyway, The Fugly Sweater’s owner and Mona are chatting while The Fugly Sweater’s owner sets up what looks like delicious bakery treats for the festival. Mona sees Caleb coming, and Hanna asks that Mona intervene. Hanna ducks out of the booth to avoid Caleb. Mona is Stone Cold Steve Austin to Caleb, and I am so confused, because either Mona is the best actor in the world, or this show is going crazy. Caleb gives Mona his apology note, which she rips up and throws away. The note, which is in the trash, tells Hanna that he loves her. Not impressed, Caleb!
Tender words of love, as printed by the art producer’s assistant, because teenage boys don’t have handwriting like that.
Founder’s Festival. It looks . . . festival-y. Ian is being a dick to Spencer, as per uhz.
Fitz’s apartment. He and Aria are having movie night, and she explains about seeing the photo of Fitz and Jackie. Fitz says that he used to date Jackie in college. He proposed to her in Italy. But they never got married. She broke up with him. And then Fitz is all, “I guess I don’t put ‘things that don’t work out’ on my resume,” as if Aria is totally crazy for asking about his exes. Yeah, Fitz, cause our exes have NOTHING to do with our emotional baggage!
At the Founder’s Festival, Prozzie Mom finds Hanna and asks if she’s talked to Caleb. She tells Hanna that Caleb is leaving town, and that she judged him too harshly.
At Emily’s, she’s trying on her new earrings, which she purchased from Samara. She gets a text from Kat from 10 Things, which she ignores, and then gets a text from A (drink!): “Poor Em, You definitely have a type: Love me, lie for me. -A” This, of course, sparks a flashback (drink!):
Alison has brought Emily back a present from her trip. It’s a vintage snow-globe that she got from her grandma in Hilton Head. It’s the day of Alison’s death, because she’s wearing her Yellow Top of Imminent Death.
I hope that the Shirt of my Imminent Death is a more flattering color than yellow.
In present day, Emily looks at the snowglobe and finds . . . a key! To Storage Unit 135.
At Fitz’s, Aria has decided to take a photo of Fitz with bags over their heads. I think this is supposed to be cute, but this is the saddest thing I have ever seen. Aria gets a text from Emily about the key and ditches Fitz. But not so quickly that Garrett the Baby!Cop doesn’t see her leaving Fitz’s apartment. Ruh roh.
Spencer’s at the Founder’s Festival, waiting for Toby. She gets a text from an unknown number that claims to be Toby (on a borrowed phone), which says that he’s inside the fun house. He isn’t in the fun house, Spencer. Don’t go in the fun house, Spencer. Don’t – oh, you’re going in.
In the fun house, which is as creepy as one might expect, Spencer sees a note painted onto the wall: “Shut up or I’ll shut you up. -A” Then Our Gloved Hand of Mystery traps Spencer into a small space in the Not So Fun House.
FACT: Fun houses are never fun.
Outside, Aria and Hanna discuss going to meet Emily at the storage space, while Spencer screams and screams, trapped.
Fitz’s. He answers Garrett the Baby!Cop’s knock on the door. Garrett the Baby!Cop would like to talk to Fitz about one of his students . . .
At the Founder’s Festival, Hanna sees Caleb boarding the bus to Arizona. But she doesn’t say anything to him. Caleb has a sad.
Someone opens the door that Spencer is locked in . . . and it’s Ian, holding a crow bar. Apparently he has come to save Spencer. I can only imagine that Spencer is not all that grateful to him.
Outside the Fun House, Spencer kisses Toby in front of everyone. Awww.
Storage space! The girls minus Spencer open up the locker. All that’s in there is Alison’s old lunch box. In it, a flash drive.
On the flash drive, there are tons of video of the girls plus Alison. Someone’s been spying on them for years! But who? Not Toby – some of the videos were shot while he was at reform school. BUT WHO?
Credits. Fitz’s apartment. Our Gloved Hand of Mystery steals the key from under his placemat. Ooooooh!! Drama! Intrigue! Or Something!
Season finale next week, you guys! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? Please let them reveal A already. This shizz is getting tired and there’s tons more stuff they have to cover. HURRY UP, SHOW!!
Thanks for hanging in there with us this week, you guys! I’m off to go drink more beer!
