The Vampire Diaries is on another two week break! What will we do until it returns?!!! Why, make a graph of all of the people on the show who’ve had sex together, if you’re Mandy W. The following is a transcription of actual emails between Mandy and myself:

Mandy W.:
I was reading your TVD recap and your comment about everyone having slept with everyone got me wondering. So I made this PDF, mapping all the sexytimes (mostly from memory, with some fact checking. But then I gave that up, ’cause there are WAY too many people, and I’m pretty sure I got them all?). 

“But what about Damon and ___?!” Y’all, we have NOT forgotten; all common Salvatore conquests have their own line (pink) and are routed through Stefan.

Some observations:

  • Stefan has never slept with anyone that hasn’t also slept with Damon. (Or at least we don’t know about it. Maybe he got it on after a Bon Jovi concert.) EWW! I can’t believe I seriously hadn’t noticed this.
  • Damon is the town bicycle. And literally a motherfucker (almost twice, since he once made out with Matt’s mom).
  • Thank goodness nearly everyone’s a vampire, or the spread of STDs in Mystic Falls would skyrocket.
  • There are a lot of dead people in this chart.
  • Bonnie needs to get laid. Then maybe she’ll stop being THE WORST. [Edit 2021/11/03: Was Bonnie the worst, or was she just given the worst storylines? DISCUSS.]
  • Oh, and I guess I didn’t put any parents (other than the ones in Alaric’s polygon) on there, ’cause BORING and the chart is already outta control.

Jenny:
Oh my God, Mandy! I am amazed by your skill creating this chart, and the in-depth analysis you had to do to figure it out. The only sad part is that there is not a picture of me in there with blue lines to Klaus, YHH, & Damon.

Mandy W.:
Oh and another thing I noticed: it’s all heteronormative and (mostly) white! Granted, that’s a problem with all TV, but don’t tell me that Klaus never tried out for the other team.

I’m right there with you, re: inserting myself in the chart. And if Alaric was still alive, I would have put a line between him and Damon too.

Jenny:
Yes. YES. Yes. (About the Alaric and Damon part, not the mostly white and heteronormative part. That part is disappointing.)

So there you have it, folks!  Perhaps it’s a slight exaggeration to say that everyone has slept with everyone else, but it’s pretty darn close.

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Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.