Guess what, bitches? Pretty Little Liars is back! I totally didn’t think that I missed this show, but when I settled down on my couch last night and saw cute little Hanna, and elfin fashion victim Aria, and judgy uptight Spencer and sweet little closeted Emily, I got all excited! My girls are back!
Last year on PLL, some stuff happened. Here is, briefly, what we are supposed to remember from last season, according to the Previouslies:
Toby got arrested. Ian and Melissa (Spencer’s sister) used to date. Prozzie Mom steals money from an old lady. Emily is a lesbian. Alison loves Ian. We know, cause it was written into a tree. Someone (A?) knows that Aria and Fitz are bonin’ and wrote “I See You” on Fitz’s car. That wouldn’t happen if Fitz would wash his car once in a while. Or, you know, not have sex with his students. Hanna knows who A is! But then someone runs Hanna over!!
Let’s do this thing!
It’s dark. There’s a car. Someone’s running. This is called Building Suspense, folks. Hanna’s Prozzie Mom is pulled over by the cops, and she’s nervous, due to the fact that she stole all that cash from a little old lady who has no friends or family to protect her. The cops tell Prozzie Mom that Hanna’s been in an accident. Prozzie Mom sighs in relief. “Phew! I thought I was about to get busted for larceny! But no! It’s just that my daughter’s been hit by a car and taken to the hospital!”
Sydney from Melrose Place would never have run from the cops. She’d have seduced the cops then stolen their sperm.
At the scene of the accident, poor little Hanna is being loaded into ambulance. She’s on the board! This is serious! Let’s stand very silently and then all clap as she’s loaded into the bus. (From the previous statement you can tell that I’ve been watching too much football and too much Law and Order.) Aria scans the crowd and sees Noel, that boy she likes who isn’t Fitz, looking sort of dodgy. Hmm.
Credits. Necromancy! Family show!
Hospital. The girls are on phones, explaining the accident to loved ones. Aww, Lucas is at the hospital! Lucas! I love you!
Prozzie Mom comes out to update the girls. Hanna has a broken leg, a broken ankle, bruised ribs and a spleen what needs goin’. Oh, Hanna! Prozzie Mom asks the girls what happened and then tells them that the police found the car that had hit Hanna. It had been stolen. They have not caught the driver. Why is Prozzie Mom asking questions when she seems to know all the answers?
Spencer ventures that maybe it was Toby who ran Hanna over, but Prozzie Mom says that Toby has been arrested. Emily reacts with surprise to hear this, so I guess she didn’t turn him in.
Spencer wants them to talk to Hanna before they say anyhting to the cops about A. She feels that Hanna is safe in the hospital and that they can leave for now. Famous last words, Spencer. Famous last words.
Spencer house. Melissa is there and is actually a good big sister for once, comforting Spencer. Ian appears in the doorway, bare chested, as Melissa’s paramours are wont to do, and asks if Hanna is okay, even though he didn’t hear Spencer telling Melissa about it. Spencer is taken aback by his muscular presence. I am taken aback by his suspicious timing.
Hospital. Prozzie Mom vows to kill the maniac who hit Hanna. Hey, Hanna’s awake! She tells Prozzie Mom that she really needs to see the girls.
Fitz shows Aria the “I see you” message written into the dirty window of his car, and discusses the implications of this on their totally illegal affair. In broad daylight. These two are so stupid. They deserve to be found out.
If you’d spend more time washing your car and less time committing statutory rape, this wouldn’t happen, Fitz.
Em’s house. She and her mom and dad are eating breakfast. Her parents are, you know, her parents. i.e. Em’s mom is a stuck up bitch and Em’s dad is swoony and handsome. Emily gets a text saying that Hanna is ready for visitors. There, Hanna reveals to the other girls that she knows who A is . . . and it’s Noel.
Commercials. ACK!!! PREVIEW OF I AM NUMBER FOUR! NO NO NO! DO NOT WANT!
Show. The girls are shocked by this revelation. How does Hanna know this? She saw him write a message on the back of the window of a car. Hanna looks shiftily at Aria. Aria comes clean about bonin’ Fitz. The girls are shocked and appalled. Spencer, the girl who routinely makes out with her sister’s boyfriends, is the most appalled. Can it, Spencer. People in glass houses shouldn’t make out with their sister’s boyfriends. That’s what it says in the Bible.
Aria thinks A can’t be Noel, though, since he’s all nice. And, you know. Man-shaped. Then! A knock on the door! It’s Noel, come to visit Hanna! That timing is convenient! Aria takes him out to the hallway, clearly fishing for info, but Noel lies and says he was hanging with Sean the Preacher’s Kid all night. Dun dun dun!
Does this look like the face of a person who says “bitches” a lot?
Emily’s house. Em’s mom and dad are cuddling on the couch, but then Emily’s mother interrupts her husband-cuddling to clean things. Oh, Emily’s Mother. You fool. Anyway, there’s some talk about how Emily’s dad likes to fix things; it makes him feel needed. Oh, Emily’s dad, you can come to my house. I’ve got LOTS of things you can fix. (Like my garbage disposal. And no, that’s not what I call various parts of my anatomy. I mean my ACTUAL garbage disposal. It’s making A Noise.)
Hospital. Hanna is having flashbacks (drink!) of the accident. Mona shows up, waving a white bra in surrender. Oh, Mona. Mona “almost feels guilty” for Hanna having been hit by a car (because she uninvited Hanna to the party, thus making Hanna skulk around the edges and get hit by a car). There are so many things I’d like to say to you, Mona, but I just haven’t the time. Hanna and Mona make up and then do each other’s makeup. I’m not kidding. That’s what happens.
The rest of the quartet are in Aria’s hobo chic bedroom, discussing, among other things, the Alison Less Than Three Ian carving in the tree trunk, and whether Noel is A. Spencer seems pretty worked up about it all, but then WASPs are typically high-strung.
Hospital, nighttime. A dark shadow enters Hanna’s room. Menacing music plays! But it’s Lucas! He kisses her on the forehead and then walks out of the room. Only Lucas could make this uncreepy. Hanna wakes up, but doesn’t stop Lucas from leaving the room.
Y’all should try that again but on the lips.
Commercials. There’s . . . a new Beauty and the Beast movie? With Neil Patrick Harris and Mary Kate Olsen and Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer? Did I . . . oh, I did know about this. I think it was the Mary Kate Olsen part that threw me. And the fact that it looks so horrible that my soul actually died, just from watching the trailer.
Show. Hospital, daytime. Hanna sweetly tells her mom that she should be in a semi-private room, because they can’t afford her hospital stay as it is. Her mom’s all, “It’s taken care of! The bank and I worked something out!” This is code for “I stole money from an old lady! Let’s go shopping!”
School. Aria is in The Music Room Of Love and playing a piano, poorly. Noel comes in. Aria is wearing, by the way, a cheetah-print sweater, a purple lace camisole, shorts that barely cover her ass, tights and knee-high boots. I’m just sayin’. Aria confronts Noel about the night of the party, and he admits that not only did he lie about hanging with Sean, but that he wrote the message on the car. Noel, bless his heart, thinks that Fitz is taking advantage of Aria. Well, he is, Noel. But Aria doesn’t get that yet.
Hallways. Em’s on the phone with the police, trying to get in to see Toby. Jenna, lurking in plain sight as she tends to do (What’s that about? Is this a “I can’t see you so you can’t see me” game?), is all, “Hell no, you aren’t visiting my brother! No one’s coming between my sisterfucker and me again!” Em’s all, “You’re a gross brotherfucker!” Jenna is displeased and calls Em a bitch.
Hospital! Dream sequence! That means it’s time for shots! Ali is in a candy striper uniform. Of course she is. No one would ever appear in an orderly’s uniform. Hanna wants to know what happened to Ali after she left the barn, the night she went missing. Ali says that the four girls combined have the answer. Ali says that “telling the truth to the wrong person” is what got her killed. Ali leaves, and Hanna sees the plastic cup she left, with A’s red lipstick on the rim, looking very real. (P.S. If you’ve read the books and/or spoiled yourself on Wikipedia, that dream is the closest the show has come to foreshadowing the big twist.)
“Can I change your bedpan?”
School. Fitz and Aria are doing that thing again where they discuss their illicit affair at school where anyone can walk in and hear them. If Fitz had it all to do over again? He still would have made out with her in the bar bathroom.
Just like that old man in that book by Nabakov.
Hospital. Lucas arives with like twelve kinds of pudding. Aww. Pudding. Hanna calls him a good friend. You can see Lucas’s boner shrinking through his eyes. Hanna tiptoes her way around asking Lucas if he came in to kiss her, trying to give Lucas an out. Lucas does not take the out. I love Lucas so much. He could have totally taken the out and then tried to mack on her while she was down, but instead he’s all, “Sorry, I like you, deal with it or don’t deal with it.” Lucas, a younger Erin would have totally given you your first third-base experience in the car parking lot at IHOP after the junior prom.
You never smile like that for Sean the PK, Hanna. I’m just sayin’!
Em’s house. She’s on the bed, talking on the phone to Maya. Her dad walks in. Emily practically hangs up on Maya in her haste to get off the phone. Em’s dad wants to talk about why Emily feels the need to visit Toby in jail. He thinks someone’s giving Emily a hard time. What is she afraid of? Emily is afraid of him and her mom! They don’t know who she is! She’s gay! Awww! I wasn’t expecting that so soon! Well done, Em! Emily’s dad’s doesn’t say anything, but from his expression, I cannot tell if he turned in the DADT survey with “strongly agree” to repeal, “strongly disagree” to repeal, or was like most service members and probably thought “I’ve got more important things to worry about, like getting shot at, then to care who the hell is gay and who isn’t.” Time will tell.
Spencer and Aria are taking a stroll in the woods. Aria’s really committed to that outfit she’s got on. Spencer is still being a judgey biatch about the whole Fitz thing. Spencer. Might I introduce you to your sister’s boyfriends? Oh wait, you’ve already been introduced. With your TONGUES.
A typical outfit for a jaunt through the woods.
Aria asks Spencer to show her the tree with the Alison/Ian carving. It’s been chopped down! Whaa!
Em’s house. Em’s mom would definitely be a “strongly disagree” respondent on the DADT survey. She shows Em’s dad (who I am now going to refer to as Major Dad) the photobooth photos of Emily and Maya’s kiss. Bish has known for a while now and didn’t think to ask her daughter if she wanted to talk about it? Emily’s mom is all, “How are we going to fix this?” and Major Dad is all, “This is who she is. We don’t have to fix anything” Major Dad, I would like to make out with you right now. And not just because you’re so handsome. Emily’s mom thinks this will ruin Emily’s life. Because . . . she might die in a tragic cunnilingus accident? Poor Emily is sitting on the stairs, listening to the whole thing.
How can you want to “fix” this sweet girl?
Spencer’s house. She and Aria are talking about the missing tree when Ian comes in to the kitchen and gets some champagne. Oh, Ian, you are a douche, but you are my kind of douche. Ian’s all, “Come outside and talk to your sister!” Spencer is skeptical. Then Melissa comes in wearing a white dress. Surprise! They got married today! Because it’s so easy to elope in Connecticut! Aria and Spencer could catch flies, their mouths are so open.
“Water seeks its own level,” as my grandmother would say.
School. Fitz is working after hours. He leaves, then Noel lurks around the corner. Noel. Give it a rest, buddy.
Hospital. Aria comforts Emily and the girls talk about the missing tree. Their theory is that A and Ali’s killer are two separate people. Hmmmmm. MAYBE. Aria then notices something on Hanna’s cast – A has written on her cast! “Sorry for losing my temper. My bad. Love, A.” Hanna, understandably, freaks.
“GET IT OFF ME!”
Credits! The Alison + Ian portion of the tree stumpis burning in a large but rustic fireplace. Hmm, like the one in Spencer’s converted barnhouse/guest room that Melissa took over when she moved home?
That’s it for this week! What do you guys think of the new season so far? Does anyone else sort of want to give Lucas a cuddle?