Title: The Nine Lives of Chloe King S1.E06 “Nothing Compares 2 U”
Released: 2011

Previous episode: “Girls Night Out”

It’s Tuesday night (though by the time you read this it will be Wednesday…time travel!) and that means it’s time for that show I watch about cat people every week. I was actually on the phone with a friend before the episode started and I said “I have to go, I need to watch a show about cat people” and my friend said “A show about yourself?” Apparently I have a problem. With being creepy. About cats. But never mind that, because I am EXCITED for tonight’s episode, for no other reason than the episode title makes me think we will be watching a late ’90s/early ’00s pop music video. Let’s begin!

Chloe is back and she’s stick dance fighting! Chloe is quite the Donatello there with that stick, quite the little Gabrielle. Though the last time someone tried to kill Chloe, he busted out a shotgun. Pretty sure in the rock-paper-scissors of weapons, shotgun > wooden stick. Maybe Chloe should be gun dance fighting instead. I would be quite tired of these training scenes but luckily Alek is back, so I don’t even care. Man, after the Pilot, I would never have imagined there could be a universe in which I would miss Alek. But I do! Alek asks Chloe about Brian and is upset to learn that he’s still in San Fran and that he and Chloe are still “friends.” Alek actually gets so pissed that he huffs off. Alek, she said friends and you know she isn’t lying, because if she were, Brian would be dead.

It’s morning and Chloe is running late. Sad Sack Mom is making breakfast for Chloe. They are acting like this is a rare occurrence, but haven’t I seen this scene play out several times now? I guess it’s a pancakes and bacon* kind of breakfast, which Chloe thinks means her mom is going to break some bad news to her. Wow, I wish the bad news in my life came with delicious breakfast. And the bad news is…Chloe’s mom is going on a date. But this is wonderful news! Maybe if Sad Sack Mom is receiving regular human contact from someone other than the woman who gives her pedicures, then maybe she won’t need to cuddle Chloe so much anymore.

*When writing this, I completely forgot how to spell the word bacon. Like, I wrote it as baken three or four times. I mean, I haven’t eaten bacon in about ten years. But still. Shame.

Chloe and Amy are at school. This scene serves to remind me that Chloe is not at school very often. They should have more wacky school centric episodes. Wait, what? Amy is taking about how she and Paul broke up. When did that happen? I mean, I remember the whole ill-fated attempt at sexy times, but was there a break up scene I somehow missed? Or did this happen off-screen? Also, did Amy seriously break up with her boyfriend just because he wanted to put his penis in her? Like, it’s not like he said “I want to put my penis in you and if you don’t let me I will break up with you/be mean to you/cheat on you/call you a slut/some combination of all of those. Paul just wanted to. Amy, the only kind of 16 year old boy you can date who doesn’t at least kinda wanna have sex with you, is the kind you find on Facebook ten years later and discover he is engaged to someone named Steve. Amy is officially the worst. Oh, wait, did I call Amy the worst? Because NOW she’s actually worse than the worst, because she tried to blame Chloe for the whole naked Paul scenario. Jesus Christ Amy, you have no sense of reality. Oh, and now Amy is going on a date with a senior. Classic.

We see Alek hitting on a new girl. Chloe’s super sonic hearing tells us that it is her first day. Wait, Alek you are seriously pulling the try and date the new girl before she learns who you are/about your reputation move? Amaz. Actually, when I moved to a new school mid term when I was in seventh grade, this very weird guy actually left a note in my locker, asking me to be his girlfriend. On my first day there. I obviously declined (read: ignored and avoided). Then I talked to this girl who was new a few days after I arrived and the same weird kid did the same thing to her on her first day. I wonder what that kid is like now? I would guarantee that he has at least one restraining order on him. Back to Alek! He asks this new girl to go to some broom closet with him. Chloe stalks them to whatever storage room they’re in, sees them about to kiss and body slams Alek. Turns out the new girl’s name is Mimi and she’s a Mai. Whoops.

Chloe is telling Paul about the mishap and Paul is saying how their school is becoming an otherworldly epicenter, attracting hot teen Mai from all over the universe. Paul is also wearing a Captain America shirt. Paul is still my favorite. Amy walks in with the lame boy we can assume is her senior “boyfriend.” He has a messenger bag and I know I hate him already. And of course Amy brings him to the coffee shop that Paul is at every day. She is so evil. Chloe gets what Paul calls an “empathy hit” from Amy’s “boyfriend” and thinks he feels guilty. I wonder what he’s up to?

Brian shows up. He asks Chloe about the writing on the back of the photo of his dead mom. Why on earth would Chloe know?

BD is banging the fierce red head from The Order. This is quite a turn around from the last time we saw her, when she was threatening BD. Looks like she’s changed her tune! BD must have a magical dong because she went from threatening him earlier to now giving him mild suggestions. BD still wants to kill Chloe.

Brian is talking to Chloe about the date they’re going on. I guess I forgot to mention it earlier. It’s some function for his dad’s work. Brian tells Chloe she needs wear something formal. Chloe starts freaking out because she doesn’t have anything to wear. Sad Sack Mom offers Chloe some fancy pants dress she has that she’s never worn. They can’t really be the same size, can they? I actually cannot imagine a world in which my mom and I would swap clothes. Well, there was this one time my mom lost 30 pounds and tried to pawn off her “fat” clothes me. Never mind that even after losing the weight, she still weighed more than me (and I’m 6 inches taller). Woman harassed me for days, insisting I take them. Uh oh, Sad Sack Mom is talking about her upcoming date, saying something about “crossing lines” that you can’t come back from. Is she talking about sex? Lady, you’re 40, own your sexuality and learn what you want and what you don’t want. Because it’s about time.

Paul calls Chloe and turns out he’s been following Amy’s senior boyfriend whose name is Jonah (except the ABC website is saying Noah? But I swear, they’re saying Jonah. Either way, he’s captain of the Debate Team which…uh.) Paul stalked Jonah/Noah all the way to Chinatown. Chloe shows up and they spy on Jonah/Noah, who is involved in some sort of illegal poker ring. One of the guys from the poker ring shows up and pulls a gun on Chloe and Paul. Uh oh!

But Chloe jumps on the gun guy and luckily he is too slow to pull a damn trigger. They are safe. It is the next day and Amy is dressed like a goddamn German milk maid. I am so sad that I could not find a screencap of this outfit. This outfit is Aria bad. Amy not only defends Jonah/Noah, she defends the man who pulled a gun on her best friend. “I mean, pulling guns on strangers is his job!” This girl is actually mentally insane. Quick, let’s armchair diagnose Amy with whatever mental disorders she surely has. My bet is narcissistic personality disorder. What do you all think? Anyway, Jonah/Noah is just making money for college (MIT, natch) and is using a MATHEMATICAL formula to win at poker. Amy says she likes that he’s dangerous. Uh, Amy, if you want some danger in your life, why don’t you just have sex with Paul. That not dangerous enough for you?

Chloe walks over to Alek and Mai Mimi, who just happen to be hanging out at this bookstore that everyone hangs out at. Alek is all over her. Apparently they’ve known each other since last summer (is there Mai summer camp?). Mimi’s nickname for Alek is CB, which stands for Cocky Bastard. Chloe asks Alek not to follow her on her date with Brian and Alek stares longingly at Chloe as she leaves, despite having his arm around another girl.

BD and Brian share a moment over bow ties. I guess dead mom used to do both their bow ties. Sad sack mom is getting all tarted up for her date. Her dress has NO back. Like, I think I can actually see her butt crack. I’m no prude, but Sad Sack, this is a bit much! Amy is with Jonah/Noah. He made a reservation for dinner. I guess that’s why the ladies love dating seniors. They make reservations! But Amy wants Jonah/Noah to teach her how to be a card shark. And to bring her to his game. This is going to end well…

Brian is introduced to the fierce red head, who is named Simone, I guess. Chloe shows up and her dress is precious. There are a lot of slow motion scenes of Chloe and Brian looking at each other, smiling in their fancy clothes. It’s kind of cute, actually. This work event is at an art gallery and neither of these two kids know much about art.

Turns out Alek followed Chloe and is watching her date. Apparently Alek recently read Twilight and is taking his pro tips from Edward. Sad Sack Mom is on some date with a guy who looks familiar, but I am too lazy to imdb. Back to Amy who is watching Jonah/Noah play poker. She is literally standing behind him and giggling every time he wins a hand. Insane.

Chloe is desperately trying to understand what art means when BD comes up to her. There is a lot of banter happening at this art gallery thing, but none of it seems relevant enough to remember/write down. Also, I’m pretty distracted by this delicious cucumber I’m eating. Amy starts spazzing out about the poker game and wants to leave. Maybe she finally remembered she’s in a room with many guns?

Mimi the Mai shows up to feed Alek/help enable his stalking. They proceed to make out. Some random lady comes up to Brian and Chloe and proceeds to tell them how cute of a couple they make. I hate it when olds do this. This would always happen to me with guy friends when I was younger. Brian and Chloe awkwardly explain that they aren’t dating and the women actually says “Perhaps you just don’t know you are. I can see the way you look at each other.” Jesus lady, back the fuck off!

Some guy is walking around all shady like during the poker game and there’s tense music playing. Why can’t Jonah/Noah hear the tense music like I can? One of the scary poker ring people comes up and pulls of Jonah/Noah’s glasses. AND THEY ARE X-RAY GLASSES. Hahahahaha, wait, SERIOUSLY? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? Just because we are in a fictional universe where cat people exist, doesn’t mean we can just arbitrarily insert other things that aren’t real. World building people, be consistent!!

Now that Jonah/Noah has been outed as an x-ray spec wearing cheater (mathematical genius, my ass!), the evil poker people chase down Amy. Amy is running, screaming and generally acting like a jackass. She proceeds to call Chloe AND Paul and NOT THE POLICE. Because she is clearly the stupidest person alive. Chloe leaves the boring art gallery to rescue Amy. Alek sees Chloe running off and sets out to follow her. Mai Mimi is all like “Don’t go after her” which is a bad call to ultimatum your boyfriend of two days.

Chloe shows up, rescues Amy and starts giving these guys a smack-down in her formal attire. Alek shows up just as Chloe has finished beating up every individual up. Paul proceeds to punch Jonah/Noah in the face. Awwwm Paul, you pantless superhero, you!

Chloe returns home. Her mom apparently had a WONDERFUL date (could have fooled me, seemed like your typical boring dinner-date.) Brian stops by. He actually says he was ON HIS WAY HOME (which goes right past her house?) and SAW HER LIGHTS ON, so he decided to drop by. He is sad that their art date was so lame, so he wants to take her out for Part 2 of their date. Sad Sack is still riding off of her date high and lets Chloe out. Brian and Chloe…just walking around the streets, in their formal wear. Brian pulls a “we need to talk.” Uh oh. Worst four words in the English language. He says they can’t be friends…because he THINKS HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Oh Brian, just NO! He tries to kiss her, Chloe pulls away and says they can’t see each other anymore. And that’s where we end…with Chloe running off, in the dark, by herself, in full formal wear.

End scene! Did tonight’s episode live up to its pop-tastic episode title? Are we all happy that this episode had 100% more Alek than last week’s (answer: yes!) Will Chloe ever tell Brian the reason she can’t make out with him? I sure hope so!

Megan is an unabashed fangirl who is often in a state of panic about her inability to watch, read and play all the things.