Oh noes! Jenny’s on vacation in the wilds of Northern America! Can Erin adequately fill her TVD recapping shoes? Answer: no. But let’s give it the ol’ college try, eh?
Greetings, ladies and Brian! Happy Friday to you all! More importantly, Happy Day After TVD Premiere Day! Or, if you’d rather, Happy Day Of A Thousand Tumblrs Of Joe Biden’s Face! Equally exciting, I’m sure.
So, you may notice that I’m not Jenny. Sorry! Jenny WILL be back to bring you her own brand of snark and remind you all about the order of succession for President of the Handsome Club, but I’ll be filling in for her for the next two weeks. Which sucks for you on many, many levels, not least of which is that I have a TERRIBLE mid-term memory, y’all. Like, I’m not really great at remembering things that happened in the last 3-6 months? I’m great with long term memory, and I do okay at short term memory when I’m not hopped up on eighteen different kinds of dope, like I am now, but I’ve always been bad at recalling things that happened in the last few months. This can be SUPER awkward. Once I forgot that a friend of mine was pregnant. And everytime I saw her, like, FIVE TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF SEVEN MONTHS, the first words that popped out of my mouth were “ohmigod, you’re pregnant, why didn’t you say something!!!!” And then she thought I was being, like, purposely sarcastic, like maybe I thought she belonged on STFU Parents or something, but I just kept forgetting!
Still, that wasn’t as awkward as the time I forgot that my grandmother had relapsed and had begun intense chemo treatments for her breast cancer again and screamed at the site of her bald head and ran out of the room. I was 14.
Anyway, this all has a point!! The point is, I FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF LAST SEASON. I mean, I remember Alaric went cray-cray cause his brain couldn’t take all his reanimations, and then he became a Super Vampire Hunter and then Klaus’s mom turned him into a vampire with Bonnie’s help and so then he was a vampire who HATED HIS OWN KIND and he was hellbent to kill Cole (fine), Rebecca (meh), Klaus (no!) and Elijah (AW HELL NO), and THEN they found out that when a vampire is killed his entire bloodline is killed so it was all, OH SHIZZ, BETTER GET ON MAURY AND FIND OUT WHO THE DADDY IS, and then . . . some people were killed? Rebecca? Maybe? Or did she escape with Elijah? And then Klaus “died” but not really, he’s now taken over Tyler’s body, thanks to Bonnie’s strategery. And Elena chose Stefan on the stupid premise that she “met him first” which is the most ridiculous way to choose a love interest ever, because literally every single one of us would now be married to that kid who ate his boogers in pre-k, and then Elena died but she had vamp blood in her system so NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A VAMPIRE I GUESS??? Now how will we tell her and Katherine apart? AND WHERE IS KATHERINE?
Okay. I have my second cup over over-sweet tea, I can barely keep my head on my shoulders cause I took valium and codeine together (doctor prescribed, honest!) and I can’t see out of one eye. LET’S DO THIS.
Show time!!
Elena wakes up screaming. Everyone on tv wakes up screaming. I never do that. I usually wake up moaning, and doing sort of this half-whine/half-cry thing while kicking at the sheets and cursing humanity. This is why I am not a star of a tv show. One of the reasons. Anyway, the Salvatore brothers are there to explain the tenets of transition in their typically Salvatorian way. Stefan thinks Bonnie might be able to “do something.” Damon just wants a botte of scotch.
It seems like vampire transition is a lot like having a migraine. Maybe Elena should just get some codeine and some valium. It’s (not really) working for me!
Down in the Crypts of Poor Lighting Choices, Tyler/Klaus (Taus? Klyler?) is demanding to be put back into his old dessicated corpse by Bonnie. Yes, please, Bonnie. I didn’t sign up for this show to watch Klaus’s “spirit” giving orders. Give me back my hot, sardonic pretty boy, please. Bonnie’s a little preoccupied, you know, trying to make Elena not be a vampire. Oh! It turns out that they did this whole thing WITH Tyler’s permission/help! Ugh, that makes it all the worse. Caroline has no friends worthy of her awesomeness.
Some dude named Pastor Young comes into the hospital and locks down all the blood supply. I guess Alaric tattled on Meredith’s life saving methods. For being what seems to be Episcopalian, Pastor Young seems SUPER uptight.
Meanwhile, Matt’s really upset that he’s alive and Elena’s . . . having migraines. Caroline tries to comfort him, but she’s pretty broken up herself. She still thinks that Tyler’s dead and is supposed to be fleeing town. Especially since Pastor Young’s going around arresting Mayor Lesbian and Sherriff Lesbian! Then Caroline gets vervained by Klyler! Or at least I think it’s Klyler. Everything’s kind of blurry so all I see are muscles.
Apparently turning into a vampire makes you hate sandwiches. Also what makes you hate sandwiches? MIGRAINES. I’m just saying. I’ve learned that migraines do everything to you. What’s ailing you right now? It’s probably a migraine. Anyway, sandwiches make Elena laugh and cry. Me too, Elena. Me too. It also makes her hallucinate things! Or rather, remember things, now that she’s uncompelled. So she remembers Damon telling her he loves her!! Eee!!
At the Originals mansion, Rebecca’s throwing a fit because Klaus’s art is really bad or something. Damon comes to stake her, but someone else beats him to it -she gets shot with wooden bullets through the window!
And then! Elena comes downstairs to see Pastor Young and his council members sticking up Stefan! Oh, and it WAS the Council that got Caroline too, because both Caroline and Rebecca are in a jail van headed to god knows. I mean, probably only God knows,on account of how Pastor Young is his servant. But then Klyler shows up!! And only rescues Caroline! OH SNAP.
Damon, Sherriff Lesbian and Meredith are having an “oh shit, this preacher is fucking shizz up” meeting when Matt comes in. Damon is . . . typically Damon.
So, Pastor Young has Elena in a cabin, enacting an Emergency Plan. He’s keeping Elena as bait and holding Stefan as well, until Damon comes looking for him. They’re holding Rebecca to lure in her siblings (obviously underestimating the familial loyalty of the Originals), and then they’ll white-ash stake them all, and everyone’s happy, right? Well, except for Elena, who wants blood so much now that she’s willing to eat a cow. Elena’s a vegetarian, right? It must be super hard to be a vegetarian and then become a vampire. Well, no, I guess you’d just eat humans.
In the woods, Caroline is celebrating her harrowing escape by having sex with Klyler, who of course she thinks is just regular Tyler. But then she figures it out before things get too far.
Bonnie, meanwhile, is trying to talk to the spirits in the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Deep In The Woods. Bonnie is always trying to talk to the spirits using Latin and lots of candles. Maybe they’re into French? Or prefer electricity? I’m just saying, Bonnie. Think about it. Anyway, she thinks if she temporarily kills herself then she might be able to do whatever it is she needs to do to keep Elena alive instead of dead/alive. Bonnie always has the dumbest ideas ever.
The Disgraced Council + Matt decide that everyone’s being held in the Pastor’s cattle ranch. Off to the rescue!
Bonnie does . . . whatever kind of weird ass thing she had to do to kill herself – and then tries to get Elena to go with her, but then!! Whitley from A Different World (aka Gram) shows up! And she’s all “DWAYNE! Get out of here! This magic is too dark for you!” I don’t really understand what’s going on, to be honest. Like, what was Bonnie going to be able to do?
Stefan tries to entice a guard to come in for a snack for Elena, but only gets wooden bulleted for his efforts. Meanwhile! Over at a meeting of Handsome Club, Junior Edition, Klyler threatens to rip out his own heart and jump into Jeremy if Bonnie doesn’t put him in his own body.
Elena tells Stefan she loves him with her raspy, soon-to-be-dead, bronchitis voice. Ugh. Outside, Damon eats Matt a little bit to bait the Council to come out. He gets shot for his effort. Hasn’t anyone on this show heard of a bullet proof vest?
Bonnie’s black magic womaning some stuff, and then Whitley comes back, and the Spirits punish Gram for Bonnie’s impertinence. Poor Whitley.
Rebecca and Stefan work together to kill one of the guards and Elena gets to drink from his sucking head wound. Delicious start to her new life! Whilst popular in Catonese cuisine, monkey brains are not commonly served at state dinners. Anyway, hooray, Elena’s a vampire now. And shows up in time to keep Damon from possibly maybe killing Matt! Which doesn’t make Matt too happy, since he’s still feeling guilty. Stefan’s all, “you best earn being alive, bro!”
Outside, Elena’s all “I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!” Damon is all, “yeah, guess what, I’m selfish. And I would have saved you over Matt. Deal with it.”
Oh!! Klaus! Klaus is back! Hooray! Rebecca’s so pissed that Klaus chose Caroline over her that she destroys his last supplies of Elena’s human blood. No more hybrids for Klaus! Possibly! I guess! Until later this season, when that has to happen again.
I’m so bored by Elena’s transition so far. I really wish she’d at least go evil for a while. Or super saucy or something. Not just sappy and kissy.
At Pastor Young’s cattle ranch, he TOTALLY KILLS LIKE ALL OF HIS FOLLOWERS Y’ALL WHAT THE FUCK?!
Alright, guys, so what did y’all think? Is Pastor Young a spooky enough Big Bad for this season? Will Elena at least get to be a LITTLE down and dirty, now that she’s a vamp? How glad are you that Klaus is back in his pretty body? How much do you still miss Alaric? Are Klaus and Rebecca’s sibling rivalry fight’s getting kind of old? Are we supposed to care about what happened to Gram? And why hasn’t Damon taken his shirt off yet?
Hit us up in the comments; we’ll meet you back here next week!
