Would anyone like to have a dog? WARNING: he likes to surreptitiously eat tv remotes so that you have to watch The Vampire Diaries live and can’t pause or rewind and have to type really fast to keep up. In other news, hey, guys, let’s talk about The Vampire Diaries!
Guys!! What did you do today? I had an MRI and it was THE VERY WORST EVER. They’re SO LOUD. WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD? I mean, it’s just magnets, right? Magnets aren’t loud. Fucking hell. It was like forty five minutes of unending (well, no, because it was only 45 minutes) noise torture. Have we investigated MRIs as a torture device to use against our enemies? Because I THINK IT COULD WORK. Seriously, it was so awful that I totally vomited on the scrubs they gave me to wear, like, they pulled me out of the machine and undid the IV and I sat up and then bleh, all down my chest. Normally this would be way too much disgusting information to share with all of you, or in fact any of you, but if you watched last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, you’ve already become immune to vomit, so! I’m really just helping out!
Anyway, let’s get to the show, shall we?
The episode starts with Elena and Stefan doing their very best Twilight impression of deer hunting, while simultaneously but in in flashback, les frere Salvatore argue about whether Elena should be eating meat or people or what. Shouldn’t Elena be making all these decisions for herself? Why do they constantly act as if she’s their toddler? It’s so annoying!
Anyway, Elena and Stefan interrupt their Bambi hunting to have some sex against a tree but then Elena interrupts THAT in order to puke up blood all over the place. WHICH IS AWESOME. If I had a nickel for everytime I interrupted my outdoor sex with my boyfriend to puke up blood, I’d have . . . well, at least a nickel. Sometimes I have some gastrointestinal issues. Ulcers, you know.
Meanwhile! A super hot Black man is investigating Pastor Young’s blown up house and finds a letter for “April.” He’s hot and Black, so I guess he’s a witch.
Said April is a cute girl who looks a lot like Carly from iCarly but thankfully isn’t nearly as obnoxious. She is the now-orphaned daughter of Pastor Young and used to be babysat by Elena, back in the day, even though she seems to be at least fifteen or sixteen.
Aw!! Oh my gosh! Damon’s holding his own little memorial for Alaric at the bar and won’t let anyone sit in “his” seat. So cute! In lieu of Elena feasting on an innocent human, Damon lets her drink from him. It’s all sexy and stuff, like the sexy sex that Caroline and Tyler are having. I really do not understand why and/or how Tyler is still alive, but he’s shirtless right now, so I’m okay with it.
Probable Witch comes to Mayor Lockwood’s house, and his name is Connor, so now we can call him Connor the Probable Witch. He definitely knows what’s up with the council, and then Tyler comes down, and he shakes Tyler’s hand, and Tyler has, like, a seizure, and then Connor the Probable Witch shoots him with a gun! It’s totally weird! Like, I mean, I’m on drugs, obviously, so I don’t really have a lot of what you would call cognitive reasoning, but it almost seemed like Connor the Probable Witch was . . . surprised by Tyler? And the gun-shooting was reflex? I’m not sure. Tyler flees.
Tyler and Caroline have escaped to the Salvatore mansion where Stefan is carving out the weird wooden bullets from Tyler’s chest. Tyler says that Connor was wearing vervain gloves and must have been looking for a vampire. What’s Connor’s deal? Other than obviously being a witch.
Elena and Matt are preparing for the memorial for the dead council members and Elena comforts April Young. Elena’s all, “bleh, being a vampire makes me want to cry for a week about all thiese dead people!” She also wants to snack on April’s delicious wrist. She also wants to vomit up blood again. Violently. Maybe she’s just pregnant?
Bonnie has spelled her house against vampires, or something, but lets Stefan in so they can hug. Weren’t they having a little flirtation last season? I think I remember that. I liked that! Bring that back, show! Stefan shows Bonnie the wooden bullets and asks her to investigate.
Meanwhile! Connor the Vampire Hunter/Probable Witch is lurking outside of the church bathroom while Damon brings Elena new clothes and makes jokes about the scenery being to die for. Drink! And then! Oh my god! Connor TOTALLY STABS APRIL RIGHT IN THE CHURCH! WHAT THE FUCK Y’ALL??
Elena can’t even drink from a Juice Box without getting sick. Damon urges that she needs blood from the vein, but she’s wary. Also HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS Connor is up in the balcony with a rifle! April’s blood is dripping into the holy font, which of course only the vampires can smell, so Damon encourages everyone to stay stoic, as it’s clearly a trap.
Elena can barely handle the hunger and is freaking out, so Matt offers to let her feed from him. And she does! From a distance (and I guess, hopefully, up close), they look like they are embracing, and Elena takes just enough blood to stay standing. Hooray! But there’s still the slight problem of April bleeding all over the damn place.
Which Tyler might fix! Because he interrupts a stupid-lame hymn to talk about how Pastor Young turned him into a team player (yeah, right), which proves just the ironic speech to go out on when Connor shoots him from the balcony! What is this dude’s deal?!
Damon tries to stop him but just gets shot a lot in the effort. And Elena finds April, still living, but close to death. And man, she wants to eat some of that tender Preacher’s Kid flesh! But Caroline stops her just in time! And teaches her that the secret to compelling people is to believe the lies yourself. Like a sociopath!
At the bar, Jeremy meets Connor the Witch/Vampire Hunter and compliments him on his tattoo . . . which no one else can see.
At his sad trailer, Connor is reading Pastor Young’s suicide letter to April. It looks like he’s been doing his Mystic Falls research.
Stefan gathers the gang together for a blog-worthy memorial so that everyone can light lanterns and talk about all the dead people on the show. Zack, Vicki, Alaric, Vicki, Caroline’s Gay Dad, Original Mayor Lockwood, Jeremy and Elena’s parents, Anna, Jenna, Gram . . . no one mentions Dead Uncle/Dad Sark! Assholes! Damon does not elect to honor the dead, because his pain over Alaric’s death cannot be alleviated with a Japanese lantern. And also because he doesn’t want to kill the whales, I bet. Aw, and because he’d rather get drunk and talk to Alaric’s headstone. That’s so sweet!!!
Except, Alaric hasn’t been dead long enough for a headstone to be maa- ALARIC!! ALARIC IS THERE AND LISTENING!! OH MY GOD! PRESIDENT!!! SWEET PRESIDENT!!!!!!!! Damon doesn’t seem to sense him, but Alaric says he misses him too. ALARIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am never erasing this episode from my DVR, not ever, ever; I’ll just replay the last two minutes every day forever. ALARIC I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD STAY WITH US ALWAYS PLEASE NEVER LEAvE WE NEED YOU!!!!!!
Well! That’s MY opinion. What’d you guys think? Even though I’m a wee bit annoyed with Elena’s sad-sack transition (well, before she started vomiting blood; that was fucking awesome), I think everything else this season is super on point. Connor seems like a pretty badass bad guy, although I’d like to know more about his motivations, and I’m glad April will be sticking around! What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments!
