I can’t believe this is the third episode of The Vampire Diaries, already! I must admit, coming home from the wilds of Maine earlier this week to a DVR stuffed full (okay two episodes, but still!) of TVD, then rushing to read Erin’s hilarious recaps (Thanks for recapping in our stead, Erin!!! Also, what’s a stead?) was a pretty great way to start the season. But after tonight, I’ll have to wait a WHOLE WEEK for another episode! What the what?!! I suppose I’ll have to spend that time studying the first three episodes so I can create a proper drinking game for season 4! (For now, just follow along with last season’s rules.) Anyway, on with the show!
I like the new show opener. It helps me to remember what happened on the previous shows. Oooh, late in the night at the hospital, a guard is guarding Tyler! The guard thinks he heard a noise! And he did! He did hear a noise! He heard the man I’m going to call Buster the Vampire Slayer, until I know more about him!
George: No, it’s Jefferson Twilight! What’s up, Jefferson Twilight? Where’s the rest of the Triad?
Hmmm, it would appear that Buster is not as concerned with saving human lives as he is with hunting vampires, if the way he tossed that guard around is any indication. And if saving humans isn’t your number one priority, what’s the point, Buster? Anyhoo, Tyler makes a feeble attempt to fight Buster off, but Buster sticks a needle in Tyler’s gums — perhaps Buster is really dentist? Drawn to Mystic Falls by all the beautiful, white, pointy teeth? — and collects Tyler’s werepire venom! Uh-oh! I mean, (ohshit! +1).
Damon and Stefan have a heart to heart about Damon’s blood-sharing with Elena and the fact that he’s going to kill Buster The Vampire Slayer and leave town. Stefan thinks Damon’s being a little dramatic.
Elena and Matt meet in their old make-out spot (AWKward) so she can drink from him, and Matt! You are becoming a juice box! I know you feel guilty that Elena’s a vampire, and all, but you’re more than that! Don’t just become a juice box!
George: I have to serve SOME purpose on the show!
Turns out the whole Tyler-getting-shot-at-the-memorial-service put the founding families of Mystic Falls into a tizzie, so now there’s a mandatory curfew. And now Tyler’s got a mandatory curfew, too, because Klaus is back! I knew you couldn’t quit us , Klaus!
Elena and Stefan have a sad *Drink!* about the fact that Alaric isn’t with us to teach history, or get day drunk, or hunt bad guys. That moment is ruined, however, by Rebekah, who is having an anti-curfew party. She and Elena exchange some intense eye contact, a few barbed words, and a pencil to the shoulder. And it makes Elena SO MAD. You guys, she’s never BEEN this mad before. It’s on account of her HEIGHTENED VAMPIRE FEELINGS. Little aside — Buster the Vampire Slayer is looking for Jeremy. Since Rebekah is a real vampire, she sends in a bleeding girl to “check on” Elena in the bathroom. Rebekah is awesome *Drink!* with her dodgeball reference, and the super catty way she smeared blood on Elena’s face.
George: Oh snap! They are not afraid of blood this season. And that’s awesome.
Buster The Vampire Slayer tells Jeremy that the reason he can see the disappearing tattoos is on account of the fact that Jeremy is a potential slayer!!! (ohshit +2) Oh, man, Jeremy, watch out for guys with X’s for eyes!
Damon finds Busters camper in the woods, and hey, is that the same camper that weremilf Jules stayed in? Or is it parked in the same spot, at least? Oooh, it’s a trap! Damon’s shot with arrows that are attached to a bomb! There’s a bomb on the camper! Damon’s reaction is awesome. *Drink!* Also, (ohshit +3).
Elena is still SO mad at Rebekah, you guys, so Stefan suggests they just go have fun. I wish somebody would take me on a motorcycle ride every time some mean girl bullied me.
Faye from Secret Circle stops by Tyler’s house! Hey, Faye! Whatever happened to your show? So you’re a werewolf now, that’s cool. Good seein’ ya.
Mrs. Stefan aka Dr. Fell shows up to help Damon, and they have an awesome repartee. *Drink!*
George: Now THEY can get together.
They find a letter from that crazy dead pastor that says something about a greater evil that is coming to Mystic Falls. For reals?
Rebekah tries to make up with Matt for running him off the road, but then Buster the Vampire Slayer nabs him and Matt rats her out as the town vampire.
Elena is rifling through Damon’s things, and tells him she’s looking for scotchy scotch scotch. He knows she’s really looking for the old white oak stake, so he directs her to his underwear drawer. *Drink!* They talk for a moment while Damon starts undressing, and we have a SHIRTLESS SALVATORE!!! *Drink!* Although hesitant, Elena leaves the room before he looses his trousers.
Buster the Vampire Slayer is carving strange symbols into stakes when Jeremy comes and tells him he knows where he can find a vampire — through Mrs. Stefan at the hospital. Buster complains about vampires bringing down property values or something, and eludes to Rebekah’s party, where any vampires will be dead by dawn. Er, sundown. And the camera focuses in on a keg, so we can assume that Buster has found a way to poison the beer. Vervain? Tyler’s venom?
Caroline stops by to see Tyler, but he’s a little tense, probably on account of the fact that I’m pretty sure he boned Faye when he was hanging out with her in Appalachia.
Elena finds that the cure for her vampire rage is to hang out with the crazy dead pastor’s daughter, April. Unfortunately for Elena — and possibly for April, we’ll see — Rebekah comes in and ruins the moment. And then she swipes Elena’s daywalking ring, forcing Elena to hide behind the cupboard! And then she drops the ring into the garbage disposal! (ohshit +4)
George: This is totally the episode about bullying.
Well, the ring obviously wasn’t gold, because it survived the disposal blades. Then Stefan talks Elena down from staking Rebekah by reminding us that killing an original wipes out their entire bloodline. So Elena does a keg stand instead. True facts: I did not know what a keg stand was until a year ago. What can I say? I drink whiskey. Anyway, now she’s ingested the poisoned beer.
Klaus gives Tyler a talking-to about Faye, and can I tell you how glad I am that Faye is on this show! A new potential love interest for Tyler — with whom Tyler possibly cheated on Caroline — opens up more Caroline/Klaus possibilities!!!! *Drink!* Damon calls, and he and Klaus decide to go after Buster. Klaus is awesome *Drink!*
Elena continues to have some fun with her new sturdy vampire body by standing on the back of Stefan’s motorcycle, and her little face is adorable,
George: But that is some bad green screen action.
Then she and Stefan go home to have hot vampire sex!
George: Cue the blood vomiting!
She doesn’t vomit blood, but she sees Damon’s face! (ohshit +5) It’s the poisoned beer! Buster laced it with were-venom! (ohshit +6)
Matt stops by to check on Rebekah, and he tells her what a brat she is. Go Matt! But then she PUNCHES HIS HEART OUT, WHAT?!!!!!! (OH SHIT +7) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Oh, it was just a hallucination. Mother effers.
Buster the Vampire Slayer gets led into a recreation of his own bomb/arrow trap at the hospital, and Klaus and Damon try to get some info out of him. Klaus agrees with me about the greater evil thing — I mean what could be more evil than an original? But then Klaus sees the symbol on Buster’s stake and says that he’s one of the five. One of the five? Hmmmm.
George: Like, the final five?
We are really mixing up our television trivia. Then Buster pulls the string and blows things up.
Elena hallucinates Damon telling her that she’s a lot more like him now, and we all say PLEASE!!! Anything to keep her and Stefan from becoming (as commenter Amanda put it) THAT NICE VAMPIRE COUPLE. Klaus saves the day, giving Elena his blood, after being awesome *Drink!* saying that one message works as well as 9. Also, the only reason he agreed to save Elena is because he thinks he may have some use for her yet.
Rebekah wakes up to find April cleaning her house, and she doesn’t eat her! I think Rebekah learned a valuable lesson this episode after imagining that she punched out Matt’s heart.
At the hospital, Jeremy is adorable, and Damon tries to have a celebratory drink-that-turns-to-sex with Mrs. Stefan, but she’s all no-way jose! Fix things with Stefan and Elena! Then Caroline visits Stefan, and he tells her that even though Caroline credits him with teaching her how to be a good vampire, that every time he even tries to have a little fun, he feels The Ripper rising up inside him. So Caroline tells him she’ll always be there to pull him back from the ledge. I think the better solution would be for Caroline and Elena to hit the road together. And pick up Katherine along the way.
Matt stops by Elena’s to serve as juice box, but this time Elena can’t stop! She won’t stop! She’s drinking too much! (ohshit +8) Damon rushes in at the last minute, and compels Matt to forget. Isn’t Matt on vervain by now? Somebody get that boy a bracelet! Damon tells Elena she just needs to learn how to be a vampire, and that he’s going to teach her. *Drink!*
Buster wakes up to find that he’s being held captive by Klaus, who now has a new purpose in life. And that purpose has something to do with Buster.
George: Which is good. Klaus always needs a good project.
Alright, that was pretty solid. It reached an 8 on the ohshitometer. I feel like they’re laying the groundwork for a bunch of stuff in these early episodes, and I’m definitely liking the direction of things. My only question: Where are Katherine and Young Harry Hamlin?!!! How are we going to have Handsome Club meetings without at least all of the remaining members of the Handsome Club present?!!!
