Man, has this week dragged by, waiting for another episode of The Vampire Diaries! Or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve slept 6 out of the last 48 hours on account of the feeding schedule we’re on for the 1-day old kitten we found Tuesday night. Babies are HARD WORK! The good news is, she’s doing all the things a 3-day old cat should do, so we can be proud parents. My kitten? She purred yesterday! A lot of kittens don’t purr until they’re at least 3 weeks old, and she did it at 3 day. She’s SO advanced. Ahem. I think I’m getting delirious. Okay, show! No, wait! We have a drinking game!
Flashback! 1110 A. D. *Drink!* There are… hmm… FIVE shirtless guys standing around a brown-skinned witch (surprise) in the woods! I don’t even know these guys, but hey, they’re shirtless, so *Drink!* George: Magic Mike, 1110 A. D. Aha, the witch is casting a spell to magically give the FIVE guys tattoos. (I think FIVE should be our secret word, yes?) Also, that’s a totally useful spell. I mean, if I could magically get a tattoo without all the pain and blood and paper towel wiping over my raw skin, I’d have a lot more tattoos. Of course, this is assuming you could get a spell to remove them…
Damon and Stefan go through some of Buster the Vampire Slayer’s things, trying to figure out who the FIVE are. Mommy Sheriff calls with the news that Buster didn’t die in the hospital explosion, and Damon asks Stefan to take care of it, because he has to take Bonnie and Elena to college, so Elena can learn how to “Snatch. Eat. Erase.” George: Ha! That’s Damon’s own person “Gym. Tan. Laundry.”
Elena explains why she needs Damon to teach her S.E.E. (hint: it has something to do with her VERY HEIGHTENED VAMPIRE EMOTIONS *Drink!*) while they have a sexy training montage!
Rebekah visits Matt at the Bronze to apologize for almost killing him by buying him a truck. Matt tells her to give it to Elena, and as he walks away, she sees Klaus watching her. George: They are like the saddest Originals ever, if they’re just hanging out in the bar in Mystic Falls. Klaus wants to be a family again and for her to help him research the FIVE, but Rebekah tells him that she doesn’t care about nuthin or nobody.
At college, Damon checks out the sorority girls, while Bonnie checks out the new witch professor who took over teaching her Gram’s class. Hey, the witch professor sure does like witches! Damon is awesome *Drink!* when he says it’s like Witchapedia.
Stefan finds Buster the Vampire Slayer tied up without a shirt on *Drink!* in Klaus’s house. Klaus’ house? The house belonging to Klaus? Stefan asks Klaus what’s the sitch with the FIVE, and Klaus, instead of withholding information like he usually does, tells a story! Flashback! *Drink!* It’s 1114! And Klaus and YHH are out for a stroll! It looks just like Ye Old King Richard’s Faire, except there are no bad fake British accents. One of the previously shirtless tattooed dudes is teaching the townsfolk about vampires by setting one on fire with the sun. YHH is concerned by this, and thinks Klaus should use more discretion with his hunting. Klaus tells him it ain’t no thang, but that if YHH is concerned about discretion, he might want to check out Rebekah, who is flirting it up with the guy. Klaus tells Stefan that Rebekah fell in love with ye old vampire slayer, and that the answers to all Stefan’s problems lie with getting Rebekah and Klaus to be family again.
Back at college, Damon is Obi-Wan-ing Elena, but she HAS TOO MANY FEELINGS *Drink!* to feed! Because these are peoples’ lives she’s taking into her own hands! They find the solution to ALL of the problems when they see an invitation to a frat party. Damon is awesome with his use of the word “douchecity”. *Drink!* Plus, it’s a costume party! Hurray!
Rebekah, Stefan, and Klaus sit down to a family dinner, with a still shirtless Buster in the very next room *Drink!* and the kids start squabbling again, just like always, and I slave, and I slave to try to make you something nice, and you can’t even stop arguing and just eat for five minutes. Oh, flashback! *Drink!* It’s the previously shirtless ye old vampire slayer! Let’s call him Conan. Conan tells the Originals that the FIVE only have one goal in life: to kill ALL the vampires. George: A tale as old as time… Turns out the FIVE have a super weapon that no vampire can survive! (Ohshit! +1) And the map to find it, or the puzzle to solve it (or something? My head’s fuzzy, so I’m not sure.) is in the invisible tattoos of Buster the Vampire Slayer! So, of course, Klaus takes Jeremy — and his ring of power — captive! Jeremy has to draw Buster’s tattoos or else! (Ohshit! +2) Good thing Buster isn’t wearing a shirt. *Drink!*
At college, Damon is dressed as Jack the Ripper, and they are cordially greeted at the door by a stoner guy who tells them there’s free bloody marys until midnight. George: There’s no such thing as a bloody mary at a frat party! Bonnie sees the hot witch professor from earlier and goes to talk to him. George: What is a professor doing at a frat party? What are the rules of this world? Damon tries to get Elena to pick a sleezeball, and she does just that! She drinks from a guy who had just rufied some girl, and she likes it! But what is that that flashes in Damon’s crazy eye *Drink!* when she says “I want more.”? (Ohshit! +3)
We find out that Rebekah has a different interpretation of the meaning of the word “investigate” than most of us. And that Conan ye old vampire slayer introduced the Originals to the idea of the ash dagger! So that’s where that came from! And then Klaus killed all FIVE of them. But not before they told Rebekah what the ultimate weapon was. And it waaaassss…. A CURE!!!! (Oh shit! +4) Klaus and Rebekah start squabbling again — this time about how she has terrible taste in men.
Bonnie follows hot witch professor to his office, and he tells her about a NEW way to practice magic. I think I saw this on an episode of Secret Circle… Meanwhile, Elena’s college experimentation continues, and before she knows it, she’s blood drunk and dancing with Damon in an almost provocative manner, both of them covered in blood! *Drink!* But Bonnie shows up, and seeing her snaps Elena out of her blood stupor, at which time she starts FEELING REAL BAD. *Drink!*
Jeremy finishes drawing the tattoo map, but it’s incomplete! Buster the Vampire Slayer hasn’t killed enough vampires! But hey, he’s still shirtless. *Drink!* Then Buster totally Mike Tyson’s one of Klaus’s hybrids! (Ohshit! +5) And he stole the barbell from the guy’s ear — with his teeth! Badass. George: Houdini out the cuffs!
Elena is FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS, *Drink!* so Bonnie gets mad at Damon for bringing her to college, but Damon is all “I am who I am. At least I have fun!” And he has a point. I mean, they ARE vampires. But then, do we really want Elena to stop being Elena?
Stefan invites Rebekah over and tells her that he wants the cure for Elena, because he’s afraid that if Elena ever killed someone, she’d be SO OVERCOME with the feelings, *Drink!* that she’d turn them off completely. The FEELINGS. *Drink!* Rebekah understands how much he loves Elena, because she loved Conan that much too. Which is why she buried him in the place where they were to be married, with his sword, which was the key to reading the map, and (Ohshit! +6) she totally walked into that one. Then she totally walks into the ash dagger that Klaus has for her. (Ohshit! +7) It’s actually a lot more touching than that. Tears fall up outta Klaus’ and Stefan’s and Rebekah’s eyes. I’ve really been enjoying Rebekah this season, so I hope it’s only for a little bit. It looks like it might go back to the days of Klaus and Stefan adventure times, as Klaus heads out to find Conan, and Stefan keeps his secret.
Damon walks Elena home, and she apologizes for letting things get heated at the party, but the truth is, she doesn’t want to be like him. Stefan opens the door, and there is some awkwardness before Damon leaves and Elena starts feeling THE FEELINGS *Drink!* again.
Buster the Vampire Slayer totally chokes a hybrid’s head off *Drink!* with a silver chain while shirtless, *Drink!* and gets a new tattoo at the same time. Then he goes to visit sexy witch professor! Sexy witch professor’s his boss! (Ohshit! +8)
Wow. I feel like that was a pretty big episode, and all of the ohshits were pretty major. However, I really don’t think I want Elena to get the cure. I like her as a vampire. Even with all of the FEELINGS.
